| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 06:02 |
EXTRACTS FROM THE PRIVATE & PERSONAL DIARIES OF FREDDIE MERCURY (1946-1991) DISCLAIMER The following extracts from the private & personal diaries of Freddie Mercury (1946-1991) are entirely fictitious and although based on real events, 99% of what you are about to read is in fact complete bullshit. It never happened. I feel obliged to point this out simply because I have in the past written quite obviousley false accounts of Freddie's life that have been taken by certain gullible members of the Queen Fan community as the gospel truth and this in turn has lead to confusion, accusations of slander and the odd death threat. So please bear in mind that what you are about to read is the combination of an over active imagination, eating cheese before bedtime, the use of non-prescribed drugs and the sincerest hope of bringing a smile to the faces of those who can take my stories with a pinch of salt. Should you find any of the following stories offensive in any way, then please accept my sincerest apologies. Alternatively, you may feel the need to question your own perceptions of reality and if you are in any way offended by such ridiculous stories, the problem lies with yourself and not with me. So get a fucking grip. Enjoy. FOREWORD BY FATTY 1967 was an eventful year to say the least. While Israel and Egypt were engaged in the six day war, the U.S, Great Britain and the Soviet Union signed a treaty banning the testing of nuclear weapons in outer space. While the first ever human heart transplant was performed by Dr Christiaan Barnard, Elvis Presley broke a million hearts by marrying Precilla Beaulieu. In the United States, Detroit suffered from the worst ever race riots in lving history while Thurgood Marshall was appointed the first ever black supreme court justice. The Beatles released 'Seargant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Muhammed Ali was stripped of his heavy-weight boxing title for avoiding the draft and Scotland gubbed England 3-2 at Wembley ,an event made all the sweeter by the fact that England had won the World Cup only the year before. Ha Ha Ha Get It Right Up Ye! Another event took place on September 5th 1967 and while it was unlikely to make the world's press sit up and pay attention, it was never-the-less an important day in the history of rock music. For in a small semi-detatched house in Feltham, Essex, Freddie Mercury celebrated his 21st Birthday. When Freddie came down for breakfast that morning he was greeted by sincere birthday wishes from his father Bomi, his mother Jer and younger sister Kashmira. There were cards and gifts from friends and family from as far away as India and Zanzibar. His mother and younger sister had even made a beautiful cake with the words 'HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY FREDDIE' in pink icing. Freddie loved birthdays and eagerly tore into the gifts piled high on the kitchen table. There was a fucking hideous jersey that his mother and father had given him. A Hi-Karate gift set (complete with soap-on-a-rope) from his sister. The next door neighbours had kindly sent him a record token with which he used to buy The Sgt Pepper album and his favourite auntie Sheroo, from back in India had sent him a hand made leather-bound diary. From 1967 until 1991, Freddie's aunt (assuming she was still alive, I don't fucking know.) sent him a diary every year on his birthday. More often than not the diary would be filled in with the dates of friends and families birthdays, doctors and dentists appointments and so on and so forth but on the odd occasion, Freddie would sometimes sit down and record the days events. often pouring out his heart and soul to the diarie's unjudgemental pages. Soon after his death, I approached Freddie's family with the proposal of publishing his diaries. I was told in no uncertain terms to fuck off and never darken their door again. I pursued my quest by contacting Mary Austin who gave me the same reply, this time accompanied by a hefty boot up the ar |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 06:03 |
29th OCTOBER 1977 Dear Diary Flying out to New Orleans tomorrow for the launch of the new album. Will have to speak to the guy from Eletktra to see what he has planned. F.M. 30th OCTOBER 1977 Dear Diary Spoke to the PR man from Elektra this morning. The meeting didn't last long as the guy had to be taken to the Emergency Room to have his notes removed from his arse by a state qualified proctologist. We have over 500 people attending tomorrows launch and this silly bugger wants to hire a bouncy castle, a magician and a guy who makes model animals from balloons. 'Hey don't sweat it Fred,' he says to me 'there's gonna be party bags too. each guest will receive a signed copy of the album, a noise-maker, a party hat and a slice of cake.' He mentioned a couple of other things but his voice grew increasingly higher as the A4 folder was rammed further up his hole. No doubt the dogs at the local pound could understand what he was on about. I will have to get in touch with Stickells and see what I can do to salvage this whole sorry mess. What we need is naked female mud wrestlers, strippers, hookers giving blow jobs in tents, women who can fire ping-pong balls from their fannies and drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. I need to devise a plan whereby guests can help themselves to a noseful of charlie without having to crowd into the toilets. How about a butler serving bowls of cocaine to guests on a silver tray.....No. Have to think of something a little more original. Oh well never mind. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Well I'll have to sign off now as one of my favourite films is just about to come on. The Wizard Of Oz. I love those little munchkins......hang on....I think I might have something here. F.M. 31st OCTOBER 1977 Dear Diary I spoke to Stickells this morning and he assures me that everything is ready for tonights party. He loved the idea about the dwarves too. Well I have to go and get ready now but I will write about it tomorrow. F.M. 11th NOVEMBER 1977 Dear Diary For some unexplainable reason I cannot remember the past ten days. and I have no idea what country I am in. I'll write again soon. F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 06:04 |
3rd JANUARY 1979 Dear Diary Had an idea for a song running around my head for a couple of days now. It's a sort of rock-a-billy tune and it has a kind of Elvis feel to it. I'm having problems with the chords though. Never mind though. I'm sure it will come to me. F.M. 5th JANUARY 1979 Dear Diary I am writing this from my hospital bed where I am being treated for burns to my hands and concussion. I had been working on that Rock-a-billy song all day and had all but given up for the night. I decided to have a soak in the bath when all of a sudden I had a great idea for a riff. I shouted for pheobe to bring me a guitar while I was still in the bath so I could try it out. I honestly thought he would have had the sense to bring me an acoustic guitar. The next thing I remember is a loud bang and I woke up in hospital. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 06:05 |
18th NOVEMBER 1984 Dear Diary That arsehole Jim Beach phoned me at 4.00am this morning to ask if I wanted to appear on some shitty charity single. The whole thing is called Elastoplast or something and it's being put together by some Irish guy called Bob Godfrey (isn't he the guy that does Henry's Cat on kids telly?) and a minature Scotsman. They want to get a load of singers to record a single in aid of the starving children in Eastbourne or something. So far they have roped in Bananarama and Kool & the Gang. I told him to fuck off and went back to sleep. F.M. 25th NOVEMBER 1984 Dear Diary Had a lie in this morning. Pheobe brought me breakfast in bed and the morning papers. Splashed all over the front pages were photos Phil Collins, Bono, Duran Duran, Boy George, Spandau Ballet and George Michael. It appears that they have got together to record a charity single in aid of the starving children of Ethiopia. Looks a dead cert to go straight to No 1. How come nobody told us about it? F.M. 13th JULY 1985 Dear Diary Well today is the big day. There's quite a crowd in the house today and we are all watching the beginning of the concert on telly. I noticed Jim, Roger, Brian and Crystal sitting behind Charles and Di at the opening ceremony. I'll bet you a pound to piece of shit that Crystal is trying to get into Diana's knickers. Well the car is here to pick us up so I'll write again tomorrow. F.M. 14th JULY 1985 Dear Diary I think yesterdays performance is one of the finest we have put on in years. Ok so we were only on stage for twenty minutes or so but it went really well for us. Brian & I came back on later to perform 'Is This The World We Created?' and some twat fucked it up by doing a sound check during our set. Rest assured that bugger is now floating down the Thames with a guitar string tightly wound around his neck. When we got back we watched the whole show which Pheobe had videoed for us. Status Quo weren't too bad but Rick's nose looked a little odd. If he doesn't take it easy with the charlie he's going to end up with one big nostril. Poor old Adam Ant wasn't exactly on top form was he. A performance as bad as that can send a guy doolally and I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up one morning and read in the paper that he had been flung in a looney bin for waving a gun around or something. I will have to have words with Phil Collins and Howard Jones. I leant them my prized white grand piano for the show and they both had drinks sitting on top off it. Have these buggers never heard of coasters before? I think I'll send them a turd in the post. Elton wasn't bad either but the guy who came on to sing with him was fantastic. I think his name's George Michael or something. What a voice and more importantly, what a body. It's a pity he's straight. Bowie was on top form for a change. As a performer I like him but he has a bad habit of making a prick of himself with some symbolic gesture. I swear to god, if I ever get hit by a bus and killed and someone puts on a concert in aid of me, I don't want Bowie within a million miles of it. The twat would probabaly end up on one knee reciting the Lord's prayer or something. On the whole it was a good day and we raised a lot of money for starving kids in Africa. We also discovered we enjoyed playing together again as a band. Tomorrow I'll ring the lads and we'll arrange to get together in the studio. We might even record a song inspired by Live Aid and then the good old fasioned British press can rip the piss out of us for cashing in on an African famine. F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 06:05 |
22nd NOVEMBER 1991 Dear Diary Feeling pretty shitty today. Jim came around earlier and talked me into issuing a statement to the press confirming that I have AIDS. Fucking parasites have been camped outside for the past couple of weeks now and I can't even go for a walk around the garden without those maggots peering over the wall trying to get a picture. Still it's not all bad news. That fat bastard Maxwell from the Daily Mirror fell off his boat and drowned last week. You would think a guy that resembled a whale would feel more at home in the ocean, wouldn't you? Let's hope Rupert Murdoch has some lion-taming lessons booked before I peg it. F.M 23rd NOVEMBER 1991 Dear Diary I feel worse today than I have felt in a long time. The statement went out last night and today's papers are full of it. Rick Sky from the Sun Newspaper kindly sent me an advance copy of my biography entitled 'The Show Must Go On' I glanced through it and reminiced on all the great times we spent together. The strange thing is I can't recall ever having met the little cunt. Not to worry. I'll have one of my boys go round and break his thumbs for him. Well I'm feeling a little tired now so I'll try and get some sleep and write again tomorrow. F.M. 24TH NOVEMBER 1991 Dear Diary Was it all worth it? You better fucking believe. F.M |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 06:08 |
It would be unfair to dominate so much space with every enrty in Freddie's diaries (many of which are just birthdays, anniversaries and so and so forth) so from now on I will only post those entries that are requested by the fans. Let me know what you want to read about and the date (so I can make it up.....I mean look it up) and I will post what I find. fatty. |
| Bohardy 20.04.2004 06:40 |
Well, Bo Rhap would have us believe Fred killed a man some time around 1975. Do the diaries shed any light on this? |
| Daburcor? 20.04.2004 06:51 |
"That fat bastard Maxwell from the Daily Mirror fell off his boat and drowned last week. You would think a guy that resembled a whale would feel more at home in the ocean, wouldn't you?" Damn... That Freddie really was a cold one wasn't he? Great stuff fatty! LOL! |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 08:53 |
Bohardy> Oddly enough between the years of 1969 and 1973, Freddie mentions 5 seperate murders that he was involved in. Although he makes no link between Bohemian Rhapsody and the fourth murder, certain facts from the case files suggest it may have something to do with the song. The following extrct is dated as 11th February 1974. Dear Diary I am writing this with one hell of a hangover and a bad case of guilt. I went to a party last night and got smashed out of my head on drink and drugs, in fact when I opened my eyes this morning to look at the sky, I was unable to distinguish between real life and fantasy. I wish I could invent a hangover cure but that would take a degree in chemistry and a lot of funding. Unfortunately I am a relatively poor boy as is my family. Still, I have never felt the need for sympathy and I expect none. Anyway back to last night's party. I got talking to a handsome young chap but the music was so loud we ended up going out into the garden to chat. He was very complimentary to me and said he admired my simplicity, the way I very easy come easy go. As we chatted he produced some cocaine and we snorted a couple of healthy lines each. Every time we started to get low we would take a line and get high again. I was chopping out a line when a light breeze picked up and blew about ten quids worth off the mirror. The guy I was with started shouting and swearing and generally throwing a wobbler about the waste of £10 worth of good quality ching. I pleaded with him to calm down and told him that at least the wind had blown the coke in his direction. He was still going mental and told me in no uncertain terms that it didn't matter which way the wind was blowing. He was still stomping around the garden throwing a hissy fit and I knew I had to try and calm him down. I splapped him around the face but this just made him worse. He chased me back inside the house and I ended up having to hide in a cupboard. It was while this lunatic was hammering on the door baying for my blood that I noticed a shotgun propped up in the corner. It must have belonged to the hostess's father who was a keen shooter. I armed myself with the shotgun, made sure it was loaded and opened the door. The guy was still there threatening to puch my lights out so I did what any other sane, rational person who was ripped to their tits on coke did. I put both barrells to his head, pulled the trigger and blew his brains all over the lovely Laura Ashley wallpaper on the hall wall. Well a brutal murder with a shotgun is enough to dampen the spirits of any party and the guests began to disperse. I didn't fancy hanging around either so I thanked the hostess for a lovely evening, apologised for the mess and went home to bed. When I woke up this morning and remembered the events of the previous evening I began to feel remorse and needed to speak to someone. I phoned Mum and told her everything. How I had killed a man, how I felt as though I had thrown my whole life away. I was scared in case the police came around, arrested me for murder and I would be hanged until Mum reminded me that hanging had been abolished in 1965. Mum was pretty cool about the whole situation then she put Dad on the phone. Dad isn't as calm in these kind of situations and I knew I was going to get a flea in my ear. By this time of course the coke was wearing off and I was getting shivers down my spine and my body was aching. Dad as expected went mental. It's hard to understand the old fella when he gets into a strop. He's of Persian decent and starts using words I don't fully understand, like Basmillah, Scharamuche and Fandango. He even told me I was grounded for the next three weeks. I told him I was going on tour with the band then I heard my folks arging about whether they should let me go. 'Let him go' says Mum 'We'll not let him go' replies Dad and this just goes on and on with them contradicting each other. In the end I screamed 'Let me go' and I could h |
| deleted user 20.04.2004 09:06 |
I'm going to have to wait to read this until I get home otherwise I may disturb the students here in the library from my giggles... |
| iGSM 20.04.2004 10:02 |
I wonder if there's anything in there about the hiring of that young upstart John Deacon. |
| Bohardy 20.04.2004 10:09 |
Brilliant fatty. At last we can draw a line under that mystery, and put paid to all those other outlandish, and quite frankly daft claims as to what Bo Rhap was all about. I'm also keen to know if Fred had any particular thoughts on the significant events here of 28/11/90? I don't recall ever hearing what his political leanings were. |
| Saint Jiub 20.04.2004 10:43 |
What about the making of "It's a Hard Life" video, Freddie's first experiences in Japan in '74, or the writing of Death on Two Legs |
| Nickipee 20.04.2004 12:02 |
I've always wondered what he thought of that t-shirt Roger wore at Wembley, or indeed about Roger's solo "career". Or why Brian took up with his parallel universe counterpart. Or John's jumpers..... Nicki |
| Brian_Mays_Wig 20.04.2004 12:55 |
Absolutely superb........I always wondered what was the thinking behing Johns BIG Radio Ga Ga hair. These diaries should be sent to Brianmay.com ;) |
| Janet 20.04.2004 13:10 |
I just knew that fatty's next 1000 posts would be just as wickedly entertaining as the first 1000! |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:43 |
11th JANUARY 1971 Dear Diary Well here I am tucked up in bed with a steaming mug of Ovaltine and my beloved diary. Today we spent hours auditioning for a new Bass Player. There were four in all and if there's one thing I have learned about bassists, it's that they are all as dull as dishwater. The first guy looked as though his mammy had knitted him, ran out of wool for his ears and used a pair of socks. I swear to god he looked like a fucking spaniel. The second guy insisted on showing us slides from his holiday in the Isle of Wight. The third guy came in wearing a tank top and tartan bellbottoms and the fourth guy was so mind numbingly dull that Brian attempted to slash his own wrists before he had even started playing. It looks as if we are going to go with the third guy. I'm not sure if he is a qualified clergyman but his name is Deacon John, maybe he's a monk. He can certainly handle his instrument but Roger has reservations about having a guy in the bans that makes John Selwyn Gummer look sexy. I explained to them that the duller the bassist looks, the more flambouyant we might appear. A major plus is that Deacon is a bit of a whizz kid when it comes to electronics. He might come in handy if we ever need a lightbulb replaced or something. F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:43 |
29TH NOVEMBER 1990 Dear Diary Not much happening today. Had a band meeting concerning the Greatest Hits 2 album. I hate those kinds of meetings. Thank god there will never be enough material around for a third. Most of the Newspapers are focusing on the departure of Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister. I have never been that political and I never bothered to vote but I like most sane people on the planet am glad to see the back of her. I met her in 1984 at some charity function or other. Well when I say I met her, what actually happened was I went into the gents lavatory and saw her standing at the urinal having a slash. She then washed her hands and left. She could wash her hands from now till doomsday but she'll never get the blood of the miners off them. I have never heard of this new guy before. I don't know if he is a military man but I think his name is Major John. He looks a bit of a speccy twat and the weirdest thing about him is that he appears to have a moustache under his skin. Well that's all for today. I still have my medication to take and I want to write some more material for a possible posthumous album. F.M |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:44 |
EXACT DATE UNSURE 1984 Dear Diary Well it seems as if I'm mister unpopular at the moment. We shot the video for our third single from the Works album today. 'It's A Hard Life'. I wrote the bloody song so I think it's only fair that I dictate what outfits we wear. I wore a sexy red number with ostritch feathers and a line of eyes running from my chest down to my pecker. The lads came into my dressing room and started pissing themselves laughing and said I looked like a giant prawn. I soon wiped the smiles off their faces when I showed them their outfits. Brian's togged up in a skanky old brown fur coat that I picked up at a cancer research charity shop. The assistant assured me that it's previous owner was incontinent and had died in it. I bought the previous owner too and had her skull and thigh bone turned into a guitar. I dressed Roger in a rather fetching black and white number which he didn't seem to mind until I showed him the ruff. He looked as if he's swallowed a pavlova and it got stuck in his throat. As Deaky had laughed at my costume the loudest I made sure he got the worst of the bunch. Ha Ha . It was supposed to look like a horse buthe looks like a fucking pantomime cow. He couldn't get the hat on though, he's still going through his afro phase. The video went without a hitch, apart from that fat cow Barbera Valentine standing on my foot and the lads walking around with faces like thunder. So now they're not speaking to me and calling me Mr Bad Guy....hang on that gives me an idea for a song. F.M |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:45 |
APRIL 1974 Dear Diary This morning we arrived in Japan to kick off the tour. There were over three thousand fans there to greet us all screaming 'WE LOVE ROGER' 'WE WANT ROGER' ROGER IS ACE'. Well if Japan wants Roger they can fucking well have Roger. The country is one almighty shithole and I aint coming back. F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:45 |
15th AUGUST 1974 John's birthday-remember to send card. Dear Diary I've been working on a song for the new album which deals with our ex-managers. It's hardly what you might call a cheerful little ditty in fact it contains references to the shameful and underhanded way they dealt with our finances. I have the framework of the melody and most of the lyrics but I'm struggling to come up with a suitable title. At the moment it's a toss up between 'Death On Two Legs' and 'Where The Fuck Is My Money You Dirty Theiving Bastards |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:46 |
3rd MARCH 1986 Dear Diary We had a band meeting this morning to discuss the forthcoming European Tour. Diana Mosely gave us a sneak preview of our stage wear and I have to say I am very impressed with her work. I have white trousers with red and gold piping and a choice of two military style jackets. One in white the other in yellow. She has also created a beautiful crown and ermine robe that I am going to wear for the finale. Brian has a long white jacket and trousers and John seems happy eough to wear a t-shirt and shorts. I'm not so sure about Roger's though. It's a black and white stripey jersey and tight black leggings. All that's missing is the black mask and a bag with SWAG written on the side and candlesticks poking out. F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:47 |
19th NOVEMBER 1991 Dear Diary The Pain has become almost unbearable and the doctors are reluctant to give me a straight answer as to how long I have left to live. To make matters worse, Roger came to visit me today and in the course of our conversation he mentioned his solo career. You can only imagine how shocked I was and it took all my skills as a stage performer to act as though I was aware of this. When he went home I had Pheobe look into this and it turns out he has released 2 solo albums and a further two albums as lead singer with another band. I had no bloody idea what he was talking about. Roger kept asking me which of his solo songs I liked best and I had to pretend to lapse into a coma to avoid answering him. I really will have to set a day aside and listen to them. In fact I think I'll make a note in my diary just now and keep that day free. F.M. 25th NOVEMBER 1991 Keep day free to listen to Roger's solo albums. F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:47 |
EXACT DATE UNSURE 1987 Dear Diary I am not one to pass judgement on anyone, god knows I've gone through lovers like a dose of salts so I have no room to talk but I heard today that Brian has left Chrissy and is moving in with his lover Anita Dobson.Apparently she is an actress in some programme about working class people in the East-end of London. I didn't even know London had an East-end. I think I met her once at the party after the Wembley show last year. It was pheobe who had to tell me that I had met her mind you. I spent an hour and a half thinking I was talking to Brian in a cocktail dress. Still. Brian's a decent guy and I know he will be there for his kids when times get tough. Least said the better all round I think. F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:48 |
31st JANUARY 1978 Dear Diary Deaky came in to the studio this morning in what I have heard described as a nodad jersey. It was olive green with purple stars and had a v neck. I beleive they are called nodad jerseys because when children are told to wear them to school they scream 'No Dad!' F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 20.04.2004 14:48 |
2nd JANUARY 1984 Dear Diary Saw Deaky today for the first time since we finished working on the last album. He is worried about the South African leg of our forthcoming tour and does not want to be thought of as a racist. He didn't actually say as much but that is the only reason I can think of for growing a fucking huge afro. So long as he cuts it before we shoot the Radio GaGa video. F.M. |
| Pim Derks 20.04.2004 15:10 |
Radio Ga Ga video was shot in November 1983 ;-))) |
| rhapsody__87 20.04.2004 15:53 |
Oh man, fatty, you top yourself EVERY time! I love it! How about Freddie's thoughts on the audience at the concert we all have from Montreal, the We Will Rock You one? And the photo shoots for the Sheer Heart Attack album? This is so funny fatty... keep it up!!! :-) |
| Sir Archie 'Tiffany' Leach 20.04.2004 17:56 |
Fatty do you have a job? |
| Nickipee 20.04.2004 18:39 |
Just off to change my incontinence pants Fatty. Thanks Nicki |
| Fenderek 21.04.2004 08:22 |
fatty wrote: 19th NOVEMBER 1991 To make matters worse, Roger came to visit me today and in the course of our conversation he mentioned his solo career. You can only imagine how shocked I was and it took all my skills as a stage performer to act as though I was aware of this. When he went home I had Pheobe look into this and it turns out he has released 2 solo albums and a further two albums as lead singer with another band. I had no bloody idea what he was talking about. Roger kept asking me which of his solo songs I liked best and I had to pretend to lapse into a coma to avoid answering him. I really will have to set a day aside and listen to them. In fact I think I'll make a note in my diary just now and keep that day free. 25th NOVEMBER 1991 Keep day free to listen to Roger's solo albums.OMG- that's one of the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life... Keep'em coming! |
| Fenderek 21.04.2004 08:28 |
Look up for: - Golden Rose Festivals - HOT SPACE sessions - working with Michael Jackson |
| Voice of Reason 2018 21.04.2004 08:29 |
Well done, Fatty! I hope you mind me making a somewhat pathetic contribution - just to keep some of the pressure off you... March 1986 Dear Diary We had a band meeting this morning to discuss the forthcoming European Tour. Diana Mosely has created a crown and ermine robe that I am going to wear for the finale. This is all becoming a bit like Spinal Tap... F.M. |
| YourValentine 21.04.2004 09:07 |
Did you find/write up any evidence of Freddie planning his funeral in the diaries, fatty? |
| Krizzy 21.04.2004 11:40 |
LMAO!!! fatty ROCKS!!! You just about made my day!!! LOL! Love and kisses, Kriz ;o* |
| All Star 21.04.2004 14:39 |
fatty wrote: 29TH NOVEMBER 1990 Dear Diary Not much happening today. Had a band meeting concerning the Greatest Hits 2 album. I hate those kinds of meetings. Thank god there will never be enough material around for a third.LOL! Superb stuff!!! |
| mogge 21.04.2004 15:13 |
The Grim Reaper (a.k.a. Fenderek) wrote: - HOT SPACE sessionsAt last we will get proof that Hot Space were recorded by aliens dressed up as Freddie and the boys. BTW fatty. LOL and thanxs! You made my day. |
| Daburcor? 21.04.2004 15:32 |
"Dear Diary Not much happening today. Had a band meeting concerning the Greatest Hits 2 album. I hate those kinds of meetings. Thank god there will never be enough material around for a third." LMAO! Wow Fatty!!! You just get better and better as the days go by! :'D Do you have anything about the Mr. Bad Guy album that would be interesting? And, I agree with mogge. You made my day as well! ;D |
| Pluto 21.04.2004 15:41 |
omg fatty these are so funny cant wait for more to come |
| S@turn 21.04.2004 16:24 |
I was wondering if somewhere is a reveal when FM found out or realized he was gay.... |
| MexQueenFM 22.04.2004 16:02 |
"I spent an hour and a half thinking I was talking to Brian in a cocktail dress." LMAO!! Great work fatty!! |
| rogut 23.04.2004 06:24 |
Fatty...I have a bone to pick with you. Everyone in my office now think's I'm mad as I've been sat here roaring with laughter for the last 20 mins. Keep it up though...brilliant stuff ! |
| -fatty- 2850 23.04.2004 06:45 |
Sorry I haven't answered any quereies for the past couple of days but I was rather unwell. Sir Archibald> Yes I am currently employed but have been off sick for the past three weeks with a ruptured disc in my spine. This affords me the opportunity to lie in bed smoking Afghan Woodbines which combined with Diazapam (prescribed) is a recipe for these entries. fatty. |
| Daburcor? 23.04.2004 06:52 |
"Yes I am currently employed but have been off sick for the past three weeks with a ruptured disc in my spine." Yipes Fatty! Sorry to hear that! |
| -fatty- 2850 23.04.2004 07:22 |
Don't worry about it Dan. It's actually an old war wound I have been suffering with for quite some time. It all started in 1991 when Iraq invaded Kuwait. I got up to turn the telly over, slipped on my son's Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle Battle Wagon and fucked my back. It still comes back to haunt me every once in a while but as an ex-junky I know what drugs to take to dull the pain and I am enjoying the holiday so to speak. Anyway back to Freddie's Diaries...... fatty. |
| Daburcor? 23.04.2004 07:35 |
Those damned turtles. ;) My mother had a few ruptured disks in her spine... She had them removed in November. |
| -fatty- 2850 23.04.2004 07:51 |
Rhapsody 87> You asked about Freddie's reaction to the audience at the Montreal concert. Unfortunately Freddie rarely mentioned his feelings of audiences at any given concert. He often referred to his fans as scum and felt the need to shower after each show to rid himself of their working class stench. After searching through all 24 volumes of his private & personal diaries, I could only find three shows where he felt the audience was worthy of his performance. They were Ingleston 82, Birmigham NEC 84 & Wembley 86. Coincidentaly they also happened to be the three concerts that I attended so one can only assume that I brought out the best in Freddie and his sole purpose in life was to entertain me. As for the Sheer Heart Attack photo shoot, I did find an extensive entry but for some unknown reason (I can't be bothered looking it up) there was no date. Dear Diary This afternoon we shot the album cover for our third LP 'Sheer Heart Attack'. I still have no idea why we have decided to call the album 'Sheer Heart Attack' as the song it refers to is one of Roger's compositions which he assures us should be ready in time for our sixth album. We all had our own ideas of what the cover should look like. I wanted to have a photo of a big cock but was voted down again. Roger (as usual) wanted us to dress up as women. We haven't dismissed the idea entirely but we might put it in a pend file until 1984 or something. John had this rip roaring idea of having us lined up in a row wearing smart business suits. I swear to god, could that guy be any duller if he tried? What with the album being called 'Sheer Heart Attack, Brian wanted us lying in hospital beds, hooked up to cariograph machines. In the end we spent so much time arguing that the photographer, whose name I can't remember (again I can't be bothered to look it up) told us that Chelsea were playing at home that afternoon and if we didn't get a fucking move on, we could have the album cover shot at the photo-booth in Paddington Station. To cut a long story short, we stripped off to the waist and lay on the floor while the photographer climed up a rickety old pair of step-ladders and clicked off a couple of rolls. Then he decided to make us look a little more exotic by pouring freezing cold water all over us. The only problem was that under the hot studio lights, the water dried off very quickly. Luckily I saved the day by suggesting that we smear ourselves with vaseline which I always keep in my bag in case of....er...well... Never mind. We all got lubed up, the photo was taken and sent off to Supa-Snaps. Please bear in mind that it's only 1974 and one hour processing won't be around for a while yet so with a little luck we should get the pics back in a fortnight or so. F.M |
| Daburcor? 23.04.2004 08:10 |
"Please bear in mind that it's only 1974 and one hour processing won't be around for a while yet so with a little luck we should get the pics back in a fortnight or so." Oh my GOD! Freddie was a psychic!!! :O |
| -fatty- 2850 23.04.2004 08:38 |
Grim Reaper> The only mention of the 1984 Golden Rose festival is that Freddie was forced into wearing leggings beneath his wrestling leotard. The second appearance in 1986 is just as uneventful apart from the after-show party in which Mark O'Toole (former bassist of Frankie Goes To Hollywood) made a snide comment to Freddie concerning poor lip-sync skills. Freddie laughed it off but later that evening he followed the scouse git into the toilets and battered him to within an inch of his life with a warm air hand drier that he ripped off the wall with his bare hands. The 'Hot Space' sessions cover some three months of the 1981 diary and consist of a single sentence for each day. 'This album will be the end of our careers.' This is punctated by one entry which states' David Bowie turned up today and jammed for a while. This album will be the end of our careers.' Again the dates are something I simply cannot be bothered checking but this an entry from sometime between 1982-1984 concerning the meetings with Michael Jackson Dear Diary Roger and I are in L.A at the moment for some reason or other and decided to pay a visit to our old friend Michael Jackson. We drove out to Neverland (which he may or may not live in at this point in time) and were greeted by a 7'4, 28 stone, heavily armed security guard. He asked our names and the purpose of our visit before calling the house on the intercom system. 'A Mr Mercury and a Mr Taylor to see you sir' growled the guard and we could hear a faint high pitched voice answer back. 'Oh shit, I forgot all about those limey bastards coming round this afternoon, stall them while I get these goddam kids back down into the dungeon.' After 15 minutes or so the guard waved us on and it took another hour and a half to drive to the house itself. On the way we passed a fully functioning fairground, an eary shrine to Elizabeth Taylor, a zoo, the earthly remains of John Merrick (The Elephant Man) and a rather sheepish looking group of naked gentlemen running towards the woods with their clothes bundled up in their arms. Roger thought he recognised two of them as Gary Glitter and Jonathon King but I told him he was being silly. Michael met us at the door and welcomed us inside. It was the first time I had been to Neverland and although it was a little glitzy for my taste, it was indeed a beautiful house. He is like myself something of an art collector and he has one of the most extensive collections of fine art in the U.S. In the Hallway he has two Dalis a Constable and a Turner. His dining room is full of original Jackson Pollocks and in his living room he has a couple of Picassos and an original DaVinci sketch. Roger was telling me that on a visist to the bathroom he has a collection of prints behind the cistern. He didn't know who the artist was but they were all of children in various stages of undress. After a breif tour of the house, Michael took us downstairs to his recording studio. I don't know how he manages to get any work done down there because of the contant sobbing of children. Michael assured me that the noises came from the orphanage next door. Funny but I don't recall seeing any orphanages when we arrived. We spent the rest of the afternoon recording a couple of tracks which will hopefully be released as part of a box set sometime in the 90s. Later on as we left Neverland, we saw Mick Jagger arriving humming a tune not too dissimilar to the one I had been working on with Michael Jackson earlier. As we got back to the main gate we saw our old pal Pete Townsend from The Who. We waved but he didn't seem to see us. Perhaps he was too busy crouching as far down in the seat of his car as he could. Anyway, It was nice catching up with Michael again, even if he is getting weirder by the day and his holier than thou attitude is starting to get on my tits. It's ok for him to sexually molest children but he goes apeshit if I do a line of ching in his bathroom. F.M. |
| -fatty- 2850 23.04.2004 09:04 |
Barb> I have discovered that Freddie left detailed plans for his own funeral arrangements, but since I never attended the ceremony myself I am unable to confirm or deny if his final wishes were carried out or not. 23rd OCTOBER 1991 Dear Diary The doctors have told me that my condition is is such an advanced state that I might not make it till Christmas and I should start thinking about making any final arrangements concerning my last wishes. Pheobe's dad is an undertaker and I have decided to leave eveything up to him.I would like a traditional Christian service as I have no interest or belief in Zorasrianism anyway. The only other stipulations I have made are that there should on no account be any flowers, no music by Monstserrate Cabbelle or Aretha Franklin and no fish paste sandwiches at the buffet. I don't particularly care what happens to my ashes but if my fans wish to pay their final respects, I suggest they scrawl a large ugly message on the walls of Garden Lodge in spray-paint or magic marker. This will if anything, annoy the hell out of that old cow Mrs Patterson across the road who for the past five years has been moaning about my cats creeping into her garden and shitting on her roses. F.M As I have already stated I did not attend the funeral so I am unaware if Freddie's final wishes were carried out to the letter. On the other hand if you read the Private & Personal diaries of Elton John on TaylorMayed's website there is an enrtry that states that Elton enjoyed the fish paste sandwiches served at the funeral of Freddie Mercury and I am sure the great man would turning in his grave if he were to discover his last wishes were so willfuly ignored. fatty. |
| -fatty- 2850 23.04.2004 09:05 |
S@turn> The diaries only go as far back as 1967 and it seems clear that Freddie had been on the other bus for quite some time before that. fatty. |
| -fatty- 2850 23.04.2004 09:08 |
Dan> There are a great deal of entries from around the time Freddie was recording 'Mr Bad Guy in Munich. They do however concenrtate more on what Freddie got up to at night and could not possibly be repeated on a family orientated website. So until I get a note from Dark Myuutwo's mum, they will have to remain a secret. fatty. |
| MexQueenFM 23.04.2004 12:37 |
"'A Mr Mercury and a Mr Taylor to see you sir' growled the guard and we could hear a faint high pitched voice answer back. 'Oh shit, I forgot all about those limey bastards coming round this afternoon, stall them while I get these goddam kids back down into the dungeon.'" LMAO!! did Freddie ever write what does "knock me down for a six anytime" mean? (Body Language) |
| Mr Mercury 23.04.2004 12:39 |
fatty, you said that Freddie's diary mentioned the Ingliston 82 gig. What does it say coz I was there too. Dave |
| Daburcor? 23.04.2004 14:53 |
"Dan> There are a great deal of entries from around the time Freddie was recording 'Mr Bad Guy in Munich. They do however concenrtate more on what Freddie got up to at night and could not possibly be repeated on a family orientated website. So until I get a note from Dark Myuutwo's mum, they will have to remain a secret. fatty." If they're THAT bad, You can keep them Fatty. How about Brian? Anything mean about him in there? |
| rhapsody__87 23.04.2004 15:05 |
Ah, how about something about Freddie's 39th birthday party in Munich? |
| -fatty- 2850 23.04.2004 21:34 |
Mr Mercury> This is the entry in which Freddie describes the show at Ingleston. 1st JUNE 1982 Dear Diary Well this is the first time we have played north of the border in a long time and it has to be said that Scottish fans are among the finest in the world. What made the night particularly special was a young guy aged about 13 or fourteen years old, quite near the back. He was a chubby young fellow with a crop of red hair and he appeared to be there with his older brother, who by contrast appeared to be a right tosser. As we tore through our set this young lad cheered and waved and spurred us on to bigger and better things. Yesterday I was seriously considering leaving the band. In fact I thought about killing myself too but seeing this young Scotsmans enthusiasm has rekindled my spirit and although I probably won't credit him on any future tours or albums I hereby dedicate the rest of my career to him. God bless him and should anyone discover this entry in my diary long after I am dead and gone, I would like it known that I bequeath all my worldly goods to that fat wee laddie from Leith. F.M |
| Gunpowder Gelatine 23.04.2004 21:56 |
These are hilarious. I love the Michael Jackson one. |
| Kuku 23.04.2004 23:08 |
LOL!!! Not only funny, but really thought-provoking as well! |
| FairyQueen 24.04.2004 13:26 |
I almost pissed myself while reading the Michael Jackson entry......I loved it when Michael said the sounds of sobbing children were coming from an orphanage next door....hilarious....fatty..you should consider writing a book.... I'd like to know if Freddie wrote anything about the kids that were in "The Miracle" video..... |
| Daburcor? 24.04.2004 23:20 |
Wow fatty! You are entitled to a LOT of stuff as far as that last entry goes! :O |
| geeksandgeeks 25.04.2004 10:53 |
Fatty dear, I'd like to know what Freddie's diary entry from the night of John's wedding to Veronica was. Just curious... |
| Pim Derks 25.04.2004 11:55 |
Any comments from Freddie on the Immortals project by John ? Any comments on Brian working with Minako Honda ? |
| Voice of Reason 2018 26.04.2004 08:29 |
1971 Did a gig tonight. Could not believe the cheek of that bass player trying to upstage me! Doesn't he know I'm going to be a megastar? When we got to the dressing room, without even discussing it with the others, I said 'Barry, you're fired!' He then tells me his name is Doug and that Barry quit the band a few weeks ago. Why aren't I informed of things like this? And, is there anywhere we can find a bass player who's just happy to stay quietly in his own corner of the stage? |
| -fatty- 2850 26.04.2004 09:30 |
A petty man (and I can be a petty man if the mood takes me) might take umbridge at someone else revealing entries in what are supposed to be extracts from private and personal diaries. On the other hand if they are as superb as the one above then they are more than welcome. Feel free to add more, even if they conradict entries already included. fatty. |
| MercuryArts 26.04.2004 14:38 |
Any entries about when Freddie and the boys were visited by Sid Vicious while recording the NOTW album? |
| chancelloramethyst 27.04.2004 11:52 |
Hey, fatty, anything about Bowie or Elton "Sharon" John? Does Freddie talk about Brian alot? Don't leave us hanging, please, fatty! These are great! -Amethyst |
| Fenderek 27.04.2004 12:01 |
What about writing "Delilah"...? Or anything about recording with Montserrat...? |
| Saint Jiub 27.04.2004 15:50 |
Me thinks the diaries are written in invisible ink and the pages are fading ... or Fatty has gotten bored with the topic. |
| geeksandgeeks 27.04.2004 19:47 |
Bullwinkle wrote: Me thinks the diaries are written in invisible ink and the pages are fading ... or Fatty has gotten bored with the topic.Yeah, that usually happens the moment I reply to it. Perhaps I smell. |
| iGSM 27.04.2004 20:04 |
Well about that actually. |
| Daburcor? 27.04.2004 20:18 |
Oooooooooooooooooooooh... Geeks is stiiiiiiinnnnkyyyy.... :O |
| Richard Orchard 28.04.2004 02:59 |
Are there any people that have managed to channel Freddie's spirit so we can find out what he thought of Queen + 5ive... |
| Richard Lopata 28.04.2004 04:10 |
I've been away for quite a while, so today I'm reading this for the first time. When I read the section: "Brian's togged up in a skanky old brown fur coat that I picked up at a cancer research charity shop. The assistant assured me that it's previous owner was incontinent and had died in it. I bought the previous owner too and had her skull and thigh bone turned into a guitar." I really laughed my ass off way to go fatty! |
| Daburcor? 28.04.2004 04:44 |
"Are there any people that have managed to channel Freddie's spirit so we can find out what he thought of Queen + 5ive..." I did once, But it seems that Freddie didn't even know it happened. In fact he had wanted to leave the band for a looooong time! He told me "Kicking off was my way out! I couldn't care less what those pricks do now!" then he added "...As long as they don't make more than one version of 'rock you' every five years." So, I had to tell him the bad news... For those that worship Freddie like a God, Freddie's coming, And he is pissed... Drunk that is. Watch out for your shoes. |
| Freddie-B 28.04.2004 14:06 |
Brilliant, as per. Genius in places, I think! Seriously fatty if you get me banned from anymore public places for laughing too much, I'll come and find you eventually! |
| Holly2003 28.04.2004 15:42 |
"Roger came to visit me today and in the course of our conversation he mentioned his solo career. You can only imagine how shocked I was and it took all my skills as a stage performer to act as though I was aware of this" Absolutely classic, as is the MJ, Gary Glitter, Pete Townsend stuff. Keep it up. |
| The Mad Hatter 28.04.2004 22:15 |
Genius Fatty!! I love it, keep them coming!! |
| Voice of Reason 2018 29.04.2004 04:46 |
August 1984. Done a gig in Dublin tonight. Got back to the hotel and a fan managed to squeeze around the parked vehicles to shake my hand! Aren't my minders meant to protect me from this? This fan is probably the sort of obsessive who'll win the Queen mastermind at the Fan Club conventions when they start in a couple of years time. And so very obviously heterosexual! I had to shower to rid myself of the working-class stench. Not coming back to Ireland unless we play at a Castle. |
| Pluto 30.04.2004 15:27 |
keep them comming fatty |
| SergeantPepperDG 29.09.2004 19:11 |
WRITE MORE! |
| LiveAidQueen 29.09.2004 19:17 |
fatty wrote: 18th 13th JULY 1985 Dear Diary Well today is the big day. There's quite a crowd in the house today and we are all watching the beginning of the concert on telly. I noticed Jim, Roger, Brian and Crystal sitting behind Charles and Di at the opening ceremony. I'll bet you a pound to piece of shit that Crystal is trying to get into Diana's knickers. Well the car is here to pick us up so I'll write again tomorrow. F.M. 14th JULY 1985 Dear Diary I think yesterdays performance is one of the finest we have put on in years. Ok so we were only on stage for twenty minutes or so but it went really well for us. Brian & I came back on later to perform 'Is This The World We Created?' and some twat fucked it up by doing a sound check during our set. Rest assured that bugger is now floating down the Thames with a guitar string tightly wound around his neck. When we got back we watched the whole show which Pheobe had videoed for us. Status Quo weren't too bad but Rick's nose looked a little odd. If he doesn't take it easy with the charlie he's going to end up with one big nostril. Poor old Adam Ant wasn't exactly on top form was he. A performance as bad as that can send a guy doolally and I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up one morning and read in the paper that he had been flung in a looney bin for waving a gun around or something. I will have to have words with Phil Collins and Howard Jones. I leant them my prized white grand piano for the show and they both had drinks sitting on top off it. Have these buggers never heard of coasters before? I think I'll send them a turd in the post. Elton wasn't bad either but the guy who came on to sing with him was fantastic. I think his name's George Michael or something. What a voice and more importantly, what a body. It's a pity he's straight. Bowie was on top form for a change. As a performer I like him but he has a bad habit of making a prick of himself with some symbolic gesture. I swear to god, if I ever get hit by a bus and killed and someone puts on a concert in aid of me, I don't want Bowie within a million miles of it. The twat would probabaly end up on one knee reciting the Lord's prayer or something. On the whole it was a good day and we raised a lot of money for starving kids in Africa. We also discovered we enjoyed playing together again as a band. Tomorrow I'll ring the lads and we'll arrange to get together in the studio. We might even record a song inspired by Live Aid and then the good old fasioned British press can rip the piss out of us for cashing in on an African famine. F.M.:-) |
| SergeantPepperDG 30.09.2004 17:21 |
I printed this out and I was reading in all day during school. It was really hard trying not to laugh in class. |
| Fenderek 17.10.2005 07:57 |
One of my absolutely afv threads on QZ ever! There was another one, when Freddie was visited on his death bed by Rog and Bri and John but i think this one got lost... I can't find it even on the old board :( |
| Mr Mercury 17.10.2005 11:33 |
Still funny even after all this time!! |
| Suigi 17.10.2005 21:43 |
Can't...stop...laughing!! At which point do these diary entries end? I noticed that he's got at least one post-death, maybe there's something from beyond the grave. (I daren't do one, b/c I can't get the man's personality down at all) By the way, what other topics have you inundated with this comic gold? I do believe a Collected Workes of Fatty is in order. |
| Sergei. 29.03.2006 16:13 |
I just thought I would bring this topic up again since it is such a classic! LOL i love these entries, fatty! |
| Sebastian 29.03.2006 17:30 |
Fred didn't post from beyond the grave, he had separated 25th November to listen to Roger's solo albums, and of course he never could (that's the joke about that entry). And yes I think this thread should be sticky. Cheers Fatty!!!!! |
| The Real Wizard 30.03.2006 15:14 |
Fenderek wrote: One of my absolutely afv threads on QZ ever! There was another one, when Freddie was visited on his death bed by Rog and Bri and John but i think this one got lost... I can't find it even on the old board :(I saved this one. Enjoy (again)!! ---------------------------------------- Saturday 23rd November 1991, Garden Lodge, London. Roger, Brian & John have come to say their final goodbyes to Freddie. Roger, Brian & John poke their heads around Freddie's bedroom door. Brian: Hi Fred, it's us. Can we come in? Freddie: Well to tell you the truth 'Noel's House Party' has just started. Can you come back in about an hour? Brian: (looking slightly perplexed) er...ok. An hour or so later Roger, Brian & John peek around the bedroom door again. Roger: Is it ok to come in now Freddie? Freddie: Oh sorry dear, but 'Blind Date' has just started and I want to see if Wayne and Donna hit it off on their weekend to Skegness. Roger: Er.....em...Well shall we come back in another hour or so? Freddie: Yes, you do that dear and if you see Pheobe on your travels ask him to bring me up a cup of tea and some wagon wheels, would you? Roger: Er...ok. An hour later the three of them trot back upstairs and into Freddie's bedroom. Brain: Can we please come in now Fred? Freddie picks up a copy of TV QUICK and reads the listings for Saturday night. Freddie: Hmmmmmmmmm...Ok, you've got half an hour. 'Murder She Wrote' is on at 10. Roger and Brian sit in chairs beside the bed while John parks himself at Freddie's feet. Roger: Well Freddie, how are you feeling? Freddie: Oh you mean apart from the chronic mouth sores, ulcers and crippling agonising pain of drawing breath. Roger: Yeah. Freddie: Not too bad. At this point Pheobe enters the bedroom carrying a tray of tea and Jaffa Cakes. Freddie beckons Pheobe over to him and whispers something in his ear. Pheobe takes the plate of Jaffa Cakes away and returns a minute or so later with a plate of plain digestives. Freddie: Well boys, I suppose you know why I've called you here tonight. It looks like this thing has finally got the better of me and I don't think I'm going to be around much longer. John: What thing? Freddie: You know, my condition. John: I'm sorry I haven't got a fucking clue what you're talking about. Freddie: AIDS. John: Who's got AIDS? Freddie: I've got AIDS? John: Well this all news to me. Freddie: Oh of course you weren't at the last meeting were you? John: No I was on holiday in Beliz. Brian: (interupting) Look John, Freddie explained to us at our last meeting that he had contracted HIV in the eighties and it was now full blown and he didn't have long to live. John: But how did you catch AIDS? I thought that only affected drug users and homosexuals. Roger: For fuck's sake John, don't tell me you didn't know that Freddie was gay. Brian: I think you missed that meeting too. Brian hands John a folder containing the minutes of the last twenty years band meetings. Freddie: While John is catching up I want to straighten out one or two things with you two. Roger & Brian: OK. Freddie: First of all, the name Queen dies with me. Brian: AWWWWW Freddie! Freddie: No arguments Brian. I don't mind you and Roger going off on your own projests but Queen dies with me. Roger: Can't we carry on as a three peice band? Freddie: I don't think John will be able to cope without me to look after him. Just look at the poor bugger. Freddie points to John who looks up from the papers in the folder. John: Did we really release Bohemian Rhapsody as a single? Freddie: You were in Torquay when we had that meeting dear. John shrugs his shoulders and goes back to reading. Freddie: (to Roger & Brian) See what I mean. Brian: So what does the future hold for Roger and me? Freddie: Don't worry about |
| Sebastian 30.03.2006 15:20 |
Priceless. And again I curse the fact I didn't come up with such thing. |
| Sergei. 30.03.2006 15:59 |
I believe that Fenderek's thread, "Fatty's pieces-if you have a sense of humour you'll LOVE these" should be made sticky because they contain links to all of fatty's classics and we have easy access to them whenever we are in need of a good laugh. |
| blerp 30.03.2006 19:19 |
These are so funny! The one that Sir GH saved is fantastic :) I also really like the Sheer Heart Attack entry. |
| Voice of Reason 2018 31.03.2006 07:39 |
Thanks for reviving these Child - absolute classic! Can anyone add to them? |
| Sebastian 31.03.2006 10:49 |
Yes you can but you've got to achieve the almost impossible task of being as good as fatty. Cheers |
| RETROLOVE 02.04.2006 09:57 |
fatty wrote: Grim Reaper> The only mention of the 1984 Golden Rose festival is that Freddie was forced into wearing leggings beneath his wrestling leotard. |
| RETROLOVE 03.04.2006 04:21 |
fatty wrote: 19th NOVEMBER 1991 Dear Diary The Pain has become almost unbearable and the doctors are reluctant to give me a straight answer as to how long I have left to live. To make matters worse, Roger came to visit me today and in the course of our conversation he mentioned his solo career. You can only imagine how shocked I was and it took all my skills as a stage performer to act as though I was aware of this. When he went home I had Pheobe look into this and it turns out he has released 2 solo albums and a further two albums as lead singer with another band. I had no bloody idea what he was talking about. Roger kept asking me which of his solo songs I liked best and I had to pretend to lapse into a coma to avoid answering him. I really will have to set a day aside and listen to them. In fact I think I'll make a note in my diary just now and keep that day free. F.M. 25th NOVEMBER 1991 Keep day free to listen to Roger's solo albums. F.M.LOL!!! That is too damn funny Fatty!!! Keep it coming!!! |
| RETROLOVE 03.04.2006 05:39 |
Sir GH<br><h6>ah yeah</h6> wrote:Fenderek wrote: One of my absolutely afv threads on QZ ever! There was another one, when Freddie was visited on his death bed by Rog and Bri and John but i think this one got lost... I can't find it even on the old board :(I saved this one. Enjoy (again)!! |
| Sebastian 17.05.2006 18:16 |
Of course I can't stand up to 1% of Fatty's creativity, wit or humour, but here's a poor attempt to keep these diaries going: ------- UNKNOWN LONG RANT, SOMETIME IN LATE 70S Dear Diary: Saw Brian's son today. It was about time for that hairy bastard to have children since our dear Johnny's already got two and probably he's expecting a thid anytime soon. It seems like the poor bugger is not that dull when he's with 'er indoors. Maggie's son is called Jimmy, which shows again that he's as predictable as the day is long. Just when I came visitting he told me he had written a song named Fat Arsed Birds or something, no comments! Poor little Jimmy, the combination of Brian and Chrissy must lead to weird kids, I bet he'll grow up into some lazy career such as physiotherapist, and I wouldn't be surprised if he ever finds a way to use future technology and put a shitty collection of memories in order to share his (anything but interesting) stories with the public. Anyway, the visit helped me to forget about my own problems for a while: Mary told me to fuck off just because she figured I was a shirtlifter. I mean, I knew my girlfriend was dim-witted, but nearly a decade and she hadn't noticed? I'm starting to date that cute little lad, Tony Bastin, I think that's his name - I hardly understood what he said while he bit that bloody pillow. He always lets me entertain him even if I feel jealousy. Whenever we have it off he asks me not to stop him and he keeps making up those silly games about question-answer, when one says "rolls" and the other says "royce", one says "pillow" the other says "bitter". Funny ol' bloke who, let's face it, is nowt but a bore, but he fucks well so I'll keep him unless he stops playing the fucking game. At least he helped me with my depression, telling me not to try suicide. But I'm quite worried about my recent lack of imagination for song titles. I guess for the next couple years I'll just pick a random page of these diaries and make up a little ditty out of the most stupid words I find. By the way, that blonde bitch Mary didn't get the post for me as a revenge, so I had to go to the office. I'm expecting a letter from Elton about a possible group we're gonna form with Rod Stewart. We've been having that idea for donkey's years but haven't defined anything yet. While I was there I ran into that bearded bastard Paul Rodgers from Free. Brian admires the bugger and he's even told me he'd love to play together with him when they're both old, fat and grumpy. Myself, I think he's total pants and if I go with Elton and Rod and form our group or I leave Queen for some reason anytime, the worst person who could possibly replace me is that nasty ol' twat. I swear I'll never grow a ridiculous moustache like his. Time to leave since Roger's screaming next door some sort of crap like "no more of that jazz". The worst is that he thinks that insane yelling can be called "music". We've definitely got to change our producer, and change our music, even if it's to the most stupid beat-driven shite ever. But as long as we get into Yank charts ... I love NY, too many wooly woofters in there, I think I'll just take some holiday in the US now that I think of it! --------- BIG APPLE VACATION, THE NEXT DAY Been here for some hours and I ran into that odd clown Jamie Moses. He claims to know Crystal and he asked me for an autograph. I thought he was gay and gave him the key to my hotel room but he felt offended and declined my proposal. I got brassed off and started to call him all sorts of names after which he said something along the lines of "someday I'll dance on your grave and get rich with your music". Poor little tart. Other than that, Roger phoned and told me John Harris quit. John's so pissed off that he wants us to dedicate the album we're working on at the moment to him, since it's the crappiest thing we've ever done: the |
| M a t i a s M a y 18.05.2006 02:10 |
It's REALLY great :D |
| Sebastian 18.05.2006 10:25 |
25th MARCH 1989 Dear Diary: Today Elton had his birthday, but I missed his party because I'm stuck in Switzerland working on the album. It's going on slowly since that cunt Brian wants to save all the songs for his solo project. On top of that, he's planning to release it shortly after I die so he can sell the bloody thing. I'm applying reverse psychology on him as I'm always singing his tunes to try to persuade him to give them to the band. It did work with one song, one named I Can't Live With You. I'm trying to convince the tart to let me sing Headlong as well since he simply can't handle rock vocals. Other than those, so far I've written two songs, one as a tribute to Noel Coward (who is expecting me to visit him in either heaven or hell quite soon), and another one influenced by Zeppelin, although I'm sure Robert would never be able to sing it correctly, he'd even forget the bloody words. The twat rang me up this morning by the way ... he'd lent me that JR Tolkien story, The Hobbit, and wanted to know if I'd liked it. He also told me he'd been singing Crazy Little Thing a lot lately and he wanted to do it on stage sometime, especially if it was at Wembley or something. I told him "over my dead body" and hung up. Back to the Tolkien thing, it was sort of spooky, since I was reading it and suddenly a troll came into the studio. He said hello to me and to David Richards and sat down to chat. I thought I was on coke again but the ugly-faced lad kept speaking to us and telling how he liked the album we were working on. Brian asked him to record the flamenco guitar on 'Innuendo' and I could hear the "thing" could play quite well. I was still quite scared and kept going 'round the studio hiding from goblins, since I thought the damned book was becoming real. Suddenly I heard a noise and crapped my pants out of fear, but then I realised it'd been my cat Delilah. I promised to compose a song for her if she never scared me again. Went to change and run into Roger, who insisted that for this album we should share credits as we did with 'The Miracle'. I told him "that's ok dear, anybody with one ear and half a brain will notice that 'Innuendo' can't be written by you, so it doesn't matter what do the credits say". As he was leaving I asked him who that guitar creature was, and he told me he was Steve Howe. The chap even says he's my friend but I don't remember him, I mean, there had been dwarfs at my parties, but never a troll as far as I know. He looked heartbroken to see I didn't have a clue and then he showed me a photo of his PA. Then I remembered: he's the Yes bloke who's got a beautiful roadie! I'm a little tired so I'll get some zeds. |
| PlanetMercury15 20.05.2006 09:13 |
omgosh i am sitting here laughing hysterically at this someone please make more! |
| rocks. 20.05.2006 09:56 |
"This will if anything, annoy the hell out of that old cow Mrs Patterson across the road who for the past five years has been moaning about my cats creeping into her garden and shitting on her roses. F.M" ROFLMAO!!! HAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh my god, rofl Sebastian, really takes the biscuit...rofl! |
| Sebastian 20.05.2006 12:12 |
January 1989 Dear Diary: Shot the video for 'The Miracle' today. That stupid kid who played my part kept thinking he was me for some time after the filming ended. I don't know why but it seems like the little lad is gonna grow up well and have some beautiful bird. He passed the audition over some scores of children, including an annoying irritable odd faced one who Brian had particularly liked. It looks like the boy's parents are fond of minimalistic low budget soap operas since they named him Robert Peter Williams. Brian even played a crappy version of 'We Are The Champions' with the kid, adding a pretentious solo at the end. So long as it never gets recorded... -------- 15th August 1986 Dear Diary: The tour has finally ended a week ago and I'm enjoying a well-deserved break. Went with Jim and some others to watch that 'Biggles' film, only because Neil Dickson was there, and during one of the featured songs Ratty told me "that's John playing bass, it's completely his style". I just laughed because I know he would never be in a project outside Queen. I mean, can you picture him working on, say, an Elton John track? No way! Even if Roger were there as well, the poor bloke would get missing between the control room and the bathroom if I'm not there to help him out. At the theatre I ran into Tim Curry, who kept setting me up because of my (according to him) ridiculous stage antics. I only wish I don't die before I can see him making a fool of himself playing a pathetic part in a TV film, for instance, doing that silly clown of Stephen King's new novel. That hangin' lady that resembles a blowfish, Sarah Brightman, was there as well, and she told me her husband was working on a musical about the Phantom Of The Opera and wanted me to star along with her. I sort of liked the idea but as soon as I listened to the main motif I noticed he had plagiarised Roger Waters. Can't that cunt be original for once? --- 16th August 1986. Dear Diary: Brian rang me up and told me he was going to produce a Jap teenager named Minako Kudo. Poor old Brian, he's depressed because he knows he's not getting any younger and wants to feel he can still attract a beautiful lady. I'm sure that twenty years from now, if Brian's still doing concerts someway (and I'm sure he will since he can't simply understand when the golden days are over), he might even lose sense of balance and fall down. I don't know what's Roger doing right now. When I phoned him his kid told me he was "working with The Cross". Perhaps he's bored and became a male nurse or something... |
| Sebastian 20.05.2006 12:48 |
19th June 1987 I went to the Marquee today and saw an American band, Guns N' Roses. The ugly guitarist plays like God but the banjaxed singer is a pretentious twat who apparently can't hear his own cat-voice. He told Phoebe he wanted to meet me but I just spit on his face and told him to fuck off. I hate the bastard and he entered into the list of people I never want ever to sing my songs, especially 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. The other two on the list are the barmy bluesser Paul Rodgers and the petty geezer Bruce Dickinson, who was on the audience with me and overheard I was working on an album with Montsy and asked me if I could contact them with each other. Silly old fart - it's obvious that she'd rather die than go down to the level of a cunt who sounds the bloody same always. ----- 20th June 1987 I still can't believe I'm working with Montserrat Caballé. I had to do it since duets are quite popular right now: Aretha's releasing a single with George Michael, and what hurts me deeply is that the prat does sing quite nicely. Yet I know I'd have done it better and I'm planning my revenge with the fat lady. Mike Moran is on the sessions too, he's playing piano and helping me out in the creative process. I'm feeling thrilled that Elaine Paige is recording an album of Queen covers next door, although I think it won't be released for a decade or so. Her hubby, Mr Rice, offered me to write lyrics for a couple of tracks and I accepted, that frees me a lot and lets me focus on the music and Montserrat. Elaine sings really well and she's one of the few people I enjoy doing Queen songs. I'd hate if one of our tracks were to be performed by that throatless gumpy Paul Young, or that beast Annie Lennox from Eurythmics. In fact I'd hate if the Queen name were ever associated in one way or another to either Dave or her. I'm off since I've got to work on a Japanese lyric I'm doing. It's merely random syllables put together forming nonsense words but very few of the public will ever know... ------------- 25th May 1984 Just recorded 'I Was Born To Love You'. I'd written that one in NYC some weeks ago and my driver insists me that he liked more the ballad feeling (sort of Love Of My Life-esque) instead of the disco beat I want to put it into. But I'm entirely sure the record can sell better if it's dance-oriented, none of my fans would complain about that. Not everything is good news unfortunately: I'd wanted to perform a duet with Robert Plant but instead he decided to take Roger to drum for him during a short while. He's probably hurt because Jimmy decided to form a band with that bloody tart Paul Rodgers. I can't blame Robert, only an idiot would ask Mr Loser to sing for them. I also heard Roger Waters'new album, which had been planned for his band but he decided to put it under his name. The last two Pink Floyd projects had been almost entirely his so 'twas a natural step for him. I'm just dissapointed about his obstinacy: the bloody pillock's a brilliant musician and he can certainly choose whom to work with (I'd love if his director, that Kamen something, ever scores an arrangement for one of Brian's crappy ballads and flourishes it up a bit), but when it comes to singing the old china's just a pseudo-melodic sewer. Doesn't the word "pitch" ever appear in his vocabulary? I was told the band dissolved, which is just logical: they would never be able to sell-out stadiums without Rog, and I think now he's touring the States with Eric Clapton. Thank God he's got good taste for guitar players: Brian's a good friend of that unwashed tart Tony Iommi. As long as he or the Metallica twats never dare playing 'Stone Cold Crazy' that's all right. ----------------- |
| RedSpecial1979 21.05.2006 21:26 |
I can't believe how great these are! Good on ya both, fatty and sebastian! |
| rocks. 21.05.2006 21:46 |
ROFL!!! I love it, speccially the bit on Annie Lennox, she cannot sing. IMO. Hahaha, Paul ROdgers bits are hilarious too! NICE! |
| PlanetMercury15 25.05.2006 17:59 |
create more someone, please? |
| Sebastian 26.05.2006 11:37 |
Here's one more: ----- Unknown date Dear Diary: Met one of those stupid lazy twats, he told me his name was Greg Brooks. He's total pants but I guess someday Queen Productions are going to be so idiot to pay him for doing inaccurate so-called "research". I know I tend to refer to my fandom as the great unwashed, but compared to him they're divinities. Should he ever insult one of them without reason, or just because he can't accept that 95% of the Queen community knows loads more than he could in a million eons, they've got my glad permisson to smack him to death. |
| PlanetMercury15 26.05.2006 16:00 |
:O) thats good |
| rocks. 26.05.2006 17:09 |
Feul to the fire.... :D |
| Sebastian 26.09.2006 22:16 |
I couldn't come up with an excuse to bump this thread, but I'm doing so anyway... |
| teleman 27.09.2006 00:44 |
August 30 1970 Dear Diary: That singer Paul Rodgers played the Isle of Wight Festival with his band Free. They have no style or flair. No joie de vivre but very working class. I know I shall captivate a larger audience, perhaps worldwide. Roger insists people will think Paul Rodgers is my idol. I don't know why he says that. Does he have an agenda? The rest of my life will be spectacular. Paul Rodgers will end up living somewhere like Canada singing cover songs. August 30 1970 Dear Diary: Brian was very preachy today. He will probably be a grouchy old man one day. Everyday getting up on his soapbox and prattling on about something or other. |
| rocks. 27.09.2006 16:59 |
teleman wrote: August 30 1970 Dear Diary: Brian was very preachy today. He will probably be a grouchy old man one day. Everyday getting up on his soapbox and prattling on about something or other.HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! |
| Mr Mercury 23.07.2007 19:03 |
Fatty, is there anymore updates by any chance? |
| queen_of_hunter_93 24.07.2007 03:17 |
do you have any diaries when thay were in a party after the gig in san diego?? i heard john's hand was wounded, so i wanna know what's freddie's expression.. it was in 16 December 1977.. is there anything?? thanks before.. |
| Holly2003 24.07.2007 03:52 |
The funniest thing on this thread is the comment that Annie Lennox can't sing. |
| Donna13 24.07.2007 11:18 |
I loved fatty's characterization of John and Freddie in the bedside chat. So funny!!! |
| Sebastian 24.07.2007 12:42 |
17th December 1977 Yesterday we had quite a fun gig in San Diego ... Cheap Trick were our support group and they planned a practical joke on poor old Johnny: one of them would dress up as a stripper and then smack his hand with a hammer. The trick worked and I wet my pants laughing that hard. It's all in videotape, but I hope Roger won't get hold of it, otherwise he could even delete it for some porn thing in the upcoming years - you know, when he's old and with fake teeth and birds only want him for the money. Then we had a do celebrating Billy Gibbon's birthday. The chap has been one of Bri's role models, he even stole his habit of playing with a coin instead of a pick, and some tapping figures. At the party there was a young talented axeman whom Gene Simmons had recommended, he told us he was gonna steal Billy's and Brian's tapping and make people think he invented it. I don't think the public will ever be that imbecile... Speaking about birthdays, I received a letter from Mick Ralphs, inviting me to the birthday party of that stupid Paul Rodgers. Mick's all right, I like the lad, but I can't believe he decided to join forces with a loser who instead of singing, produces annoying groans as if he'd got some testicular pain. Pathetic from beginning to end. |
| Mr Mercury 26.07.2007 08:37 |
Now I know why Fatty hasnt done anymore stuff from the diaries...... Freddie wanted to kick him up the arse :( link |
| lillian 27.07.2007 02:00 |
How about when Freddie was the best man when Roger got married? I love your work...thanx for sharing :) |
| queen_of_hunter_93 28.07.2007 05:31 |
thanks!! it's sooo funny!! what about when john was married?? is freddie there too? |
| Kate4Freddie8 19.08.2007 15:18 |
Hiya erm btw you said you couldnt get hold of any diaries from Freddie but my m8s uncle has loads! ;p |
| Sergei. 23.08.2007 14:52 |
Kate4Freddie8 wrote: Hiya erm btw you said you couldnt get hold of any diaries from Freddie but my m8s uncle has loads! ;pWhat? |
| BradJarre 30.08.2007 09:06 |
9NOVEMBER1991: i had worked on my latest song mother love. i hope they will release it. ididnt had the strength any more to sing the whoole song,man that aids was realy killing me now. if i belive the doctors i could live for 2more weeks. but i think its over within 1 week. all i know is that the press is stalking me. i hope none of the photo,s of me in the studio leak. |
| Joeker 07.04.2008 18:06 |
innuendo1990 wrote: 9NOVEMBER1991: i had worked on my latest song mother love. i hope they will release it. ididnt had the strength any more to sing the whoole song,man that aids was realy killing me now. if i belive the doctors i could live for 2more weeks. but i think its over within 1 week. all i know is that the press is stalking me. i hope none of the photo,s of me in the studio leak.You're fucking stupid. |
| Mr Mercury 08.04.2008 16:00 |
kingarthur wrote:Thats Bradley for you. Im sure in his own small mind he thought what he said was funny.innuendo1990 wrote: 9NOVEMBER1991: i had worked on my latest song mother love. i hope they will release it. ididnt had the strength any more to sing the whoole song,man that aids was realy killing me now. if i belive the doctors i could live for 2more weeks. but i think its over within 1 week. all i know is that the press is stalking me. i hope none of the photo,s of me in the studio leak.You're fucking stupid. |
| Barbie Jupiter 13.04.2008 18:51 |
Fatty!!!!! Honestly enjoyed your "Freddie Diary"XD... I will keep up reading it! Sometimes it feels like it's really Freddie, but i really doubt he would use that much dirty words in his diary. After all he was intelligent. But yet, agree that you imagine that Freddie fancied George MichaelXD I've seen one interview where he speaks about GM, and that was enough for me to declare (although of course it can be simply a stupid deceive of self-imagination!!XD)that he really liked him!XD PS Fatty, just checked your profile... Why did i think you're femaleXD |
| Barbie Jupiter 13.04.2008 18:54 |
innuendo1990 wrote: 9NOVEMBER1991: i had worked on my latest song mother love. if i belive the doctors i could live for 2more weeks. but i think its over within 1 week.Bradley?!?..... Why did you write sth like this.. I'm confused. It's bad to make fun about Freddie's illness and death. |
| Poo, again 14.04.2008 07:23 |
August 24 1959 Took a penis up my butt for the first time. How delightful! |
| Winter Land Man 16.04.2008 04:46 |
Sebastian wrote: He passed the audition over some scores of children, including an annoying irritable odd faced one who Brian had particularly liked. It looks like the boy's parents are fond of minimalistic low budget soap operas since they named him ****Robert Peter Williams****.Hahaha, that one's funny, about Robbie Williams |
| Winter Land Man 16.04.2008 04:47 |
Fatty & Sebastian, can you guys write some more? These are hilarious and great to read. Thanks so much! |
| Sebastian 16.01.2009 16:34 |
18th January (IIRC) 1975 Time to pay the piper: I'd made a bet with Norman Sheffield that the last one of us to get married would be John (that's logical, isn't it?), and I lost! What's even worse: it was a shotgun wedding to a Catholic girl (are they planning to have ten kids or what?). So... I lost all my money and the band's to Trident, but I can't tell them the truth. My only chance is accusing the Shef's of stealing from us and write a vicious song about them. Back to old Deacy, he's out of his mind about his wife, even saying she's his best friend... I'd never heard such thing in my entire life! Who's getting married next? I bet on Roger, or myself, or both! Some day in 1968-9 Dear Diary Tim introduced me to his band-mates. The drummer lady's so bloody gorgeous, she'd work as a perfect excuse to cover up my taste for willies. She's got a beautiful voice too! As for the guitarist, he's a trainspotter: reading physics or something, and being into fiction and stuff... D-U-L-L! He's even got a rant-notebook for fuck's sake!!! Having said that, the cunt can play, so he'd probably be useful for me in the future. One week later Went to another Smile rehearsal. I found out the guitarist's an expert in re-telling events from completely manipulative perspectives; that'll sure come in handy in the future. As for the drumming lady, she's a bit of a mad one... she smokes and drinks and drives and plays guitar, and has a male pseudonym (that gave me an idea: in the future, I'm gonna call all of my male acquaintances by female names). Tim's a fucking amateur on bass, he should quit and let me do his part. Some time in 1969-1970 Moved in with that bird, Roger. As she was taking a shower I stepped in and realised she's actually a man! Who would imagine? Some day in 1970 Tim finally quit, and I decided to step in. After a very meticulous 10-minute lesson, I found out playing bass isn't as easy as it seems, so I'd rather sing and find someone to play that thing. Here are my ground rules though: he's gotta be extroverted, he's gotta hate black music, he's gotta sing all the time, and he should never ever get an afro. |
| Sebastian 16.01.2009 17:07 |
Some day in the 80's Dear Diary: Went up North for a short holiday, and saw a guy called Stevie Riks impersonating me. He's a genius! Late sixties Dear Diary: 'Twas old film night somewhere in the city, so I went with Roger and watched 'A Night at the Opera'. Hated it. And what sort of a stupid title is that? |
| Sebastian 19.08.2013 12:34 |
Bumped. The best QZ era ever IMO. |
| The Real Wizard 19.08.2013 12:59 |
Hell yes. Nothing will ever top this thread. Too bad there's a flaw in the old forum threads that cuts off the longer posts prematurely. Fatty, if you're in there somewhere - did you save hard copies of your brilliant work? |
| Togg 20.08.2013 05:48 |
Indeed these were good times... someone find Fatty and get his arse back here |
| FreddieMercury1998 31.12.2013 12:25 |
The more i read about Freddie the more i love him he is fu*king hilarious. |
| thomasquinn 32989 31.12.2013 13:02 |
I know you can't chain up people and make them work for you all the live-long day...but does that also apply to Scotsmen? Is there any chance we could, say, draft/steal/'liberate' fatty and *make* him write more? Or maybe just go by his house and get him boozed up? Or beg? I'm open for anything, really... |
| Sebastian 31.12.2013 17:02 |
Those were Freddie's favourite diaries. |
| Thistle 31.12.2013 20:20 |
^ 99.9% of the time :p Great stuff. Always loved these :) |
| Sebastian 30.03.2015 14:34 |
-fatty- 2850 wrote: Still it's not all bad news. That fat bastard Maxwell from the Daily Mirror fell off his boat and drowned last week. You would think a guy that resembled a whale would feel more at home in the ocean, wouldn't you? Let's hope Rupert Murdoch has some lion-taming lessons booked before I peg it. F.MThe best moment of QZ. Ever. |
| mooghead 30.03.2015 15:50 |
Sebastian wrote:Are you bored?-fatty- 2850 wrote: Still it's not all bad news. That fat bastard Maxwell from the Daily Mirror fell off his boat and drowned last week. You would think a guy that resembled a whale would feel more at home in the ocean, wouldn't you? Let's hope Rupert Murdoch has some lion-taming lessons booked before I peg it. F.MThe best moment of QZ. Ever. |
| Sebastian 30.03.2015 23:21 |
Not at all. On the contrary, I'm very much enjoying these old threads. |