| John S Stuart 27.10.2005 00:39 |
This chav is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "Whit wis that fur?" he cries "That wis fur for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she. "Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.". She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says "whit wis that fur?" "Your horse phoned!" she said. A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's kidd-on wir married!" "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket!" as he turned aroon an farted hertedly. A Glesga woman form Glasgow's West End was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman! A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks. The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." (Pieter you listening...?!!!) The mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!" A middle-aged married couple are having a long-lie in bed before church on a Sunday morning. The wife showers, enters the bedroom naked, and looks at herself up-and-down the full length of the mirror on the wardrobe door. Depressed the wife turns around to the hasband and says; "I'm gettin old, I'm gettin fat, 'n am gettin ugly. Go gizza compliment". The husband instantly replies... "But Yir eyesights still bliddy good!". |
| Lester Burnham 27.10.2005 00:53 |
No offense meant, John, but aren't you up rather early (or late, I'm not quite sure what time it is over there)? And I must say, these jokes make me proud to be of Scottish descent. |
| John S Stuart 27.10.2005 01:01 |
Lester Burnham wrote: No offense meant, John, but aren't you up rather early (or late, I'm not quite sure what time it is over there)? And I must say, these jokes make me proud to be of Scottish descent.Yes - very bad routine. I don't sleep now. I doze two or three hours then awake. Then I fall asleep in the afternoon. My arm is still sore from the physio, and the pain seems to be worst at night. Should be OK when I get back to work, and a good routine. Being Scottish, I can of course get off with telling such stupid stories! |
| YourValentine 27.10.2005 05:17 |
Very funny :) I know why I postpone my Scotland trip from year to year, it's the fear not to understand a word, lol. Although I have a friend from Edinburgh who speaks English for foreigners... |
| @ndy38 27.10.2005 06:09 |
I think it's just the west of Scotland accent which confuses everyone. And the Fife accent, dear god the Fife accent is the strongest. Examples: 'Do ye kin there's a wappy n thi kitchen' Translation: Are you aware that there is a wasp in the Kitchen? 'Ye kin whits happenin emorn?' Translation: Do you know what is happening tommorow? 'Kut telt us' Translation: Kathrine told me. |
| -fatty- 2850 27.10.2005 07:15 |
It just so happens that my second book "A Smack In The Pus" goes on sale today and contains a plethora of slang Scottish phrases, bad grammar and spelling mistakes. It's available in all good bookshops and quite a few shitey bookshops too at £5.99 and if you buy one I promise that I won't spend all the royalties on prostitutes and drugs. Incidently, if you see a book called "Nedworld" (also published today) which contains most of the jokes at the top of this page, the illustrations were by yours truly. You don't have to buy that book though. I've already been paid for that. Happy reading fatty. |
| PieterMC 27.10.2005 08:12 |
Hey fatty did you happen to see Scunnered when it was on? |
| John S Stuart 27.10.2005 09:22 |
PieterMC wrote: Hey fatty did you happen to see Scunnered when it was on?An excellent programme. I take it your dad sent it to you? Do you get "Still Game" too? |
| -fatty- 2850 27.10.2005 09:22 |
I did see Scunnered and have to admit that I was rather offended that they never gave me a free plug for the book. Never mind though, as soon as I've tracked down Craig Hill's home address, I'll send him a turd in the post. I know he didn't produce the show but I really cannot abide the fucker. fatty. |
| PieterMC 27.10.2005 10:05 |
John S Stuart wrote: An excellent programme. I take it your dad sent it to you?Yeah my Dad stuck it on a DVD for me. Thought it was pretty good. Not sure if Erin understood more than 5% of the program :-) Didn't get Still Game. What was that? |
| John S Stuart 27.10.2005 10:46 |
PieterMC wrote:linkJohn S Stuart wrote: An excellent programme. I take it your dad sent it to you?Didn't get Still Game. What was that? The good thing is that it has no Karen Dunbar! |
| Erin 27.10.2005 11:24 |
Ahh..just thinking of that first time I got on a bus in Glasgow with you, Pieter. The bus driver started talkin', and I know I turned around and gave Pieter that deer in headlights look. Didn't understand a word that came outta the guy's mouth..;-) I think I'm slightly better now. I'd venture to say I understood 10% of that "Scunnered" show... |
| Lisser 27.10.2005 11:29 |
Erin wrote: Ahh..just thinking of that first time I got on a bus in Glasgow with you, Pieter. The bus driver started talkin', and I know I turned around and gave Pieter that deer in headlights look. Didn't understand a word that came outta the guy's mouth..;-) I think I'm slightly better now. I'd venture to say I understood 10% of that "Scunnered" show...Definitely 9%, not 10%!! |
| Erin 27.10.2005 11:31 |
Lisser wrote: Definitely 9%, not 10%!!Ya dinnea kin fit we're talkin' aboot, do ya?? This is for you, Melissa: link |
| YourValentine 27.10.2005 12:49 |
Of course we all noticed how casually you ignored the "husband story", Pieter :) |
| PieterMC 27.10.2005 13:09 |
YourValentine wrote: Of course we all noticed how casually you ignored the "husband story", Pieter :)Say what now? :-) |
| Queenrule 27.10.2005 13:20 |
Is This Your Way Of Takeing Your Piss Out Of The Scottish Because I AM Scottish Myself |
| PieterMC 27.10.2005 13:24 |
I am Scottish, so is John S Stuart and so is Fatty |
| Erin 27.10.2005 14:27 |
So is Fat Bastard and Scrooge McDuck..:-) |
| John S Stuart 27.10.2005 16:52 |
Erin wrote: So is Fat Bastard and Scrooge McDuck..:-)You forgot Mrs Doubtfire! |
| Queenrule 27.10.2005 16:56 |
Ok soz |
| Lester Burnham 27.10.2005 17:03 |
John S Stuart wrote:And Mrs. Featherbottom, for all you Arrested Development fans out there.Erin wrote: So is Fat Bastard and Scrooge McDuck..:-)You forgot Mrs Doubtfire! |
| @ndy38 27.10.2005 18:29 |
Alexander Graham Bell, James Watt, Andrew Aidan Lamb....... |
| PieterMC 28.10.2005 08:02 |
If it's not Scottish it's crap!! |
| Erin 28.10.2005 11:48 |
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| Erin 28.10.2005 11:49 |
PieterMC wrote: If it's not Scottish it's crap!!link |
| John S Stuart 28.10.2005 23:06 |
Erin wrote:You must admit though - the boy's got good taste!PieterMC wrote: If it's not Scottish it's crap!!link John |
