There's a guy who hangs around Leith and goes by the name of LaLa. Many moons ago he was a talented young footballer and actually signed for Glasgow Rangers. Then along came heroin and he spent the next few years slowly killing himself. A few years ago he wandered into a chippy in Leith Walk and handed the assistant his own severed penis and asked her to fry it up. Since then he has spent roughly 11 months of each year as a guest at one of her majesty's many hotels.
A couple of years ago I caught him trying to climb through my living room window and I had to admonish him by breaking two of his fingers.
The last time I saw him was just before Christmas when he mistook a car for a bouncy castle and several burly policemen helped him into the back of a paddy wagon.
According to the Edinburgh Evening News he spent last Tuesday wandering around Leith inviting passers-by to shake him warmly by the hand. The only problem was, it wasn't his hand. Naturally the police were curious as to why LaLa was walking around with a severed hand and traced it back to it's original owner who apart from now owning one glove too many, had over fifty stab wounds in his chest.
So LaLa's off to the big hoose wi the wee windaes.
fatty.