| -fatty- 2850 03.07.2007 07:03 |
Police are appealing for witnesses after a 80 year old Queenzoner was attacked in the personal forum in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Fatty (85) was shuffling down memory lane when he was attacked from behind. The 90 year old was then subjected to a vicious beating which left him fighting for his life and his big bag of Werthers Originals strewn across the ground. Doctors at the Eric & Demeter Memorial Hospital said that the 95 year old’s face looked as though it had been repeatedly struck with a hammer before being defecated on, although there are unconfirmed reports that he looked like that before the attack. Police have since arrested a council estate chav who has been named as 13 year old Vishnu in connection with the attack on the 100 year old Queenzone veteran. A spokesman for the cider drinking yob issued a statement to press gathered outside Dudley Fufkin police station. “Yeah I done the old geezer in. Wot you lot going to do about it anyway? He had it comin for mouthing off to me.” Queenzoners were gathered outside the hospital this morning in a silent vigil for fatty (105) and many were too upset to talk to our reporters. “It’s so sad that this sort of thing could happen to a 110 year old man,” said Janet with tears welling up in her beautiful green eyes. “We have had a lot of trouble around Queenzone lately from gangs of teenagers roaming around the forums but I never believed it would come to this. Deaconjohn also paid tribute to the 115 year old. “He was a smashing fella. I bought him a pint way back in 2004 and I just hope he pulls through so the tight fisted old bastard can buy me one back.” Several attractive young ladies who asked not to be named or actually brought into existence have entered into a suicide pact and plan to jump off a tall building should the 120 year old pass away. While many Queenzoners had gathered in support of the fatty (125) others had gathered to show their utter contempt for the rotund prick. Among them were international rock stars Donny Mars and Innuendo1990. “Yeah we’ve just taken time out of our busy world tours to come here and throw bricks through the fat bastards window.” said the 11 year old Mars. Doctors have said that things are looking rather grim for the 125 year old fatty. “Although he is no longer on the critical list, he’s not out of the woods yet. This morning he could only manage three breakfasts.” |
| bohemian 11513 03.07.2007 07:10 |
fatty wrote: ...This morning he could only manage three breakfasts.”...while humming to Paul McCartney´s Senior Delux Edition of "Memory Full" I guess?! ;-) |
| Lisser 03.07.2007 09:07 |
My GOD, the poor Werther's Originals.......... |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 03.07.2007 09:29 |
inspector Knockers,the officer in charge of this case codename "operation billy bunter" has released the following statement: "following on from our further investigation we can now reveal the latest details.the 130 year old man lying in his hospital bed is being kept alive on a diet of cold soup and is his having his wounds treated with goose fat.a vital clue was found at the scene of the crime,a small trail of what appears to be Cookies were found on the bald scalp of the geriatric fat man plus an IOU for a pint of beer with the letters F A T T Y printed on the bottom of a piece of paper was found in a sewn up trouser pocket of the victims crushed velvet pantiloons." inspector Knockers has said that more details will follow dreckly.. |
| Janet 03.07.2007 09:38 |
fatty, fatty, fatty.... ;-) |
| steven 35638 03.07.2007 09:59 |
That's amazing. :) |
| Sergei. 03.07.2007 10:07 |
Hehehe. I still think fatty's funny. ;P EDIT: Even if he think's I'm a malevolent little pustule... >_> |
| Erin 03.07.2007 10:13 |
Poor fatty....*sob* :-( |
| its_a_hard_life 26994 03.07.2007 10:48 |
LMAO... |
| Robin 03.07.2007 11:14 |
Oh, Fatty, why did I stay away so long? We old timers have to stick together. |
| Micrówave 03.07.2007 12:34 |
fatty wrote: Several attractive young ladies who asked not to be named or actually brought into existence have entered into a suicide pact and plan to jump off a tall building should the 120 year old pass away.Those aren't ladies, fatty forgets this is Queenzone. Good luck with all that fatty (130), Christ, you're old. About time these kind of stories are back, must be seasonal. |
| Donna13 03.07.2007 13:44 |
"About time these kind of stories are back, must be seasonal." Seasonal? I wonder where fatty has been all this time. link Well, I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm glad he is back. |
| Vincent. 03.07.2007 14:20 |
Haha... Funny! :D |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 03.07.2007 14:37 |
inspector Knockers has revealed a plot by the patient to get 2 loaves of bread smuggled in to the hospital but was thrawted by the local vicar, so he is being forced to eat fruit. inspector Knockers said the following: "today,due to the current situation in the UK a routine safety check was carried out in a local hospital.it was done so purely for the benefit of our patients.one of the patients,an osama bin fatty was found to be smuggling 2 loaves of bread in via the local baker,a woman by the name of Janet.unfortunately his accomplice was stopped in the hallway of room 101 by the local vicar so he never got to see Janet's bloomers as once he got to Pastor Kidneys she was unable to take it any further.the patient was left to suck on the vicar's plums instead which he found quite juicy." more developments will no doubt follow.. |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 03.07.2007 18:57 |
its day 2 in the hospital for fatty as he recovers from his ordeal and he is bored and looking out of the window while the nurse treats his wounds with more goose fat. fatty is looking out the window at cute young birds.fatty likes young birds.he notices that there is a pair of PARUS CAERULEUS trying to build a new home in the tree outside his downtrodden flea ridden hospital bedroom window. as he looks closer at the young birds their newly built home falls out the tree and to the floor right in front of another nurse enjoying a drag on her fag.due to the new draconian laws brought in by this government fags can only be enjoyed outside now,one cannot put a fag in their mouth inside a public building [see a pic of george michael]. fatty is delighted though when the nurse stops sucking on her fag and picks up the birds home,the birds home is in a mess now but she decides to climb the tree with the birds home between her thighs as she shimmys up and put it back to where it was.fatty is now getting quite excited watching the birds which distracts the nurse treating him with the goose fat.. "what are you looking at?" asks his nurse. fatty replies,"im looking at the nurse outside with the nice pair of tits.shes climbing the tree and i can see that she has an untidy nest between her legs,it really is in a mess" did you know goose fat can be applied orally? fatty does... |
| Miss Multiples aka colfarrell1 03.07.2007 19:08 |
joxertheteddybearpirate wrote: its day 2 in the hospital for fatty as he recovers from his ordeal and he is bored and looking out of the window while the nurse treats his wounds with more goose fat. fatty is looking out the window at cute young birds.fatty likes young birds.he notices that there is a pair of PARUS CAERULEUS trying to build a new home in the tree outside his downtrodden flea ridden hospital bedroom window. as he looks closer at the young birds their newly built home falls out the tree and to the floor right in front of another nurse enjoying a drag on her fag.due to the new draconian laws brought in by this government fags can only be enjoyed outside now,one cannot put a fag in their mouth inside a public building [see a pic of george michael]. fatty is delighted though when the nurse stops sucking on her fag and picks up the birds home,the birds home is in a mess now but she decides to climb the tree with the birds home between her thighs as she shimmys up and put it back to where it was.fatty is now getting quite excited watching the birds which distracts the nurse treating him with the goose fat.. "what are you looking at?" asks his nurse. fatty replies,"im looking at the nurse outside with the nice pair of tits.shes climbing the tree and i can see that she has an untidy nest between her legs,it really is in a mess" did you know goose fat can be applied orally? fatty does...o dear dear dear.. Very funny! Only you could come up with that.. i will be gossiping with the great tit if u need me |
| Miss Multiples aka colfarrell1 03.07.2007 19:09 |
colfarrell1 wrote:oops it should me goosipingjoxertheteddybearpirate wrote: its day 2 in the hospital for fatty as he recovers from his ordeal and he is bored and looking out of the window while the nurse treats his wounds with more goose fat. fatty is looking out the window at cute young birds.fatty likes young birds.he notices that there is a pair of PARUS CAERULEUS trying to build a new home in the tree outside his downtrodden flea ridden hospital bedroom window. as he looks closer at the young birds their newly built home falls out the tree and to the floor right in front of another nurse enjoying a drag on her fag.due to the new draconian laws brought in by this government fags can only be enjoyed outside now,one cannot put a fag in their mouth inside a public building [see a pic of george michael]. fatty is delighted though when the nurse stops sucking on her fag and picks up the birds home,the birds home is in a mess now but she decides to climb the tree with the birds home between her thighs as she shimmys up and put it back to where it was.fatty is now getting quite excited watching the birds which distracts the nurse treating him with the goose fat.. "what are you looking at?" asks his nurse. fatty replies,"im looking at the nurse outside with the nice pair of tits.shes climbing the tree and i can see that she has an untidy nest between her legs,it really is in a mess" did you know goose fat can be applied orally? fatty does...o dear dear dear.. Very funny! Only you could come up with that.. i will be gossiping with the great tit if u need me |
| Miss Multiples aka colfarrell1 03.07.2007 19:10 |
colfarrell1 wrote:oops it should be goosipingjoxertheteddybearpirate wrote: its day 2 in the hospital for fatty as he recovers from his ordeal and he is bored and looking out of the window while the nurse treats his wounds with more goose fat. fatty is looking out the window at cute young birds.fatty likes young birds.he notices that there is a pair of PARUS CAERULEUS trying to build a new home in the tree outside his downtrodden flea ridden hospital bedroom window. as he looks closer at the young birds their newly built home falls out the tree and to the floor right in front of another nurse enjoying a drag on her fag.due to the new draconian laws brought in by this government fags can only be enjoyed outside now,one cannot put a fag in their mouth inside a public building [see a pic of george michael]. fatty is delighted though when the nurse stops sucking on her fag and picks up the birds home,the birds home is in a mess now but she decides to climb the tree with the birds home between her thighs as she shimmys up and put it back to where it was.fatty is now getting quite excited watching the birds which distracts the nurse treating him with the goose fat.. "what are you looking at?" asks his nurse. fatty replies,"im looking at the nurse outside with the nice pair of tits.shes climbing the tree and i can see that she has an untidy nest between her legs,it really is in a mess" did you know goose fat can be applied orally? fatty does...o dear dear dear.. Very funny! Only you could come up with that.. i will be gossiping with the great tit if u need me |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 04.07.2007 06:20 |
[bumped] |
| Donna13 04.07.2007 09:29 |
|
| write your letters in the sand 04.07.2007 09:32 |
Only Fatty could pry the international press spotlight away from Glaswegian John Smeaton (BAA's own Jack Bauer). Courage, our rapidly aging friend, courage. |
| ~im a fool~ 04.07.2007 15:27 |
this is just great!! |
| yamaha 04.07.2007 17:45 |
Oh, the old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be, Ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be. The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be, Many long years ago. Many long years ago, many long years ago. The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be, Many long years ago. The old gray mare, she kicked on the whiffletree, Kicked on the whiffletree, kicked on the whiffletree The old gray mare, she kicked on the whiffletree Many long years ago. Many long years ago, many long years ago, The old gray mare, she kicked on the whiffletree Many long years ago. |
| StormtrooperInStilettos 04.07.2007 21:00 |
That's horrible! Let's just hope he can pull through and be able to enjoy 4 breakfasts in the near future! |
| write your letters in the sand 04.07.2007 21:14 |
Send your charitable donations to the Fatty Breakfast Fund: buyfattybreakfast.com |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 04.07.2007 21:42 |
its day 4 and fatty gets some visitors:.... fatty is lying in his bed peeling the setting goose fat off his wounds when he hears a familiar voice.its Salmon Rushkie his east european fisherman friend.Salmon used to be a writer before he became a fisherman,he used to write books about father christmas.one of his books,"the saint nick verses" got him into a lot of trouble with non-believers so he stopped writing and became a fisherman. Salmon has brought a fish breakfast in for fatty.fatty likes breakfast,he has breakfast 4 times a day.todays breakfast consists of shellfish products,Salmon Rushkie passes Fatty an assortment of shellfish which Fatty covers in salt,pepper and vinegar and starts to devour.fatty always uses too much salt on his food.Salmon asks Fatty if he would like to taste what he's eating,fatty says yes. after a few minutes a nurse pops into the room to check on fatty and she notices that he's eating his shellfish breakfast and asks if she can have a taste.fatty lets her but she doesnt like the flavour of the shellfish. later that day,Fatty's other friend janet comes to visit him with a bunch of flowers and asks him what he's been doing.. "well" says Fatty "my friend Salmon came this morning with a seafood breakfast" he continues "he asked me if i wanted to taste his winkle so i put it in my mouth.it wasnt very nice.the nurse came in to see what we were up to,so i offered her my cockle which she tasted but she spat it back out again as it was too salty for her liking" can you get concusion from a bunch of flowers? fatty can... |
| Sergei. 05.07.2007 16:21 |
Joxer.... xDD |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 05.07.2007 18:13 |
<font color=teal>Cookies?<h6>A Scientist wrote: Joxer.... xDDcouldnt resist it. it would of been rude not to ;-] |
| Janet 05.07.2007 19:07 |
Oh my... ;-) |
| J R Deaky 05.07.2007 20:51 |
This is f***ing good. I'm in bed and i've nearly pissed it with laughter!!!XD |
| ~im a fool~ 06.07.2007 21:37 |
J R Deaky wrote: This is f***ing good. I'm in bed and i've nearly pissed it with laughter!!!XDi know how you feel!! |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 06.07.2007 21:44 |
its day 6 and fatty is getting restless... fatty is bored and calls his special friend who works in the backroom of his favourite shop.fattys favourite shop has blacked out windows and serves its goods from under the counter in brown paper bags. fattys friend is half welsh and half japanese and she arrives with an assortment of magazines for him which he hides under the mattress.as hes doing this he catches her with his elbow and it soon gets bruised and enlarged so he uses some of joxer's ointment to sooth it. as he applies the ointment his friend asks him if he would like to visit the new restaurant at the top of the stock cube factory,fatty agrees as he likes stock cubes on his 4 daily breakfasts and has never been to the factory. later after his friend has gone Janet comes to visit him and asks him how his day has been while emptying his bed pan... "well" says fatty."ive had a strange day,firstly Myfanny Isitchi and im sore after i caught her with my elbow on the bed so ive rubbed some goose fat into it and my swelling is going down now .after i leave here she wants me to take her up the Oxo Tower and im very excited about it as ive never taken anyone up the Oxo Tower before" can you fit a bed pan on someones head? janet can.... |
| Sergei. 06.07.2007 21:46 |
ROFL, Joxer, are you sure fatty doesn't look anything like this? link XD |
| Miss Multiples aka colfarrell1 08.07.2007 17:23 |
joxerthesnaileatingpirate wrote: its day 6 and fatty is getting restless... fatty is bored and calls his special friend who works in the backroom of his favourite shop.fattys favourite shop has blacked out windows and serves its goods from under the counter in brown paper bags. fattys friend is half welsh and half japanese and she arrives with an assortment of magazines for him which he hides under the mattress.as hes doing this he catches her with his elbow and it soon gets bruised and enlarged so he uses some of joxer's ointment to sooth it. as he applies the ointment his friend asks him if he would like to visit the new restaurant at the top of the stock cube factory,fatty agrees as he likes stock cubes on his 4 daily breakfasts and has never been to the factory. later after his friend has gone Janet comes to visit him and asks him how his day has been while emptying his bed pan... "well" says fatty."ive had a strange day,firstly Myfanny Isitchi and im sore after i caught her with my elbow on the bed so ive rubbed some goose fat into it and my swelling is going down now .after i leave here she wants me to take her up the Oxo Tower and im very excited about it as ive never taken anyone up the Oxo Tower before" can you fit a bed pan on someones head? janet can....depends how little the head is |
| Janet 08.07.2007 19:45 |
colfarrell1 wrote:Good call.joxerthesnaileatingpirate wrote: its day 6 and fatty is getting restless... fatty is bored and calls his special friend who works in the backroom of his favourite shop.fattys favourite shop has blacked out windows and serves its goods from under the counter in brown paper bags. fattys friend is half welsh and half japanese and she arrives with an assortment of magazines for him which he hides under the mattress.as hes doing this he catches her with his elbow and it soon gets bruised and enlarged so he uses some of joxer's ointment to sooth it. as he applies the ointment his friend asks him if he would like to visit the new restaurant at the top of the stock cube factory,fatty agrees as he likes stock cubes on his 4 daily breakfasts and has never been to the factory. later after his friend has gone Janet comes to visit him and asks him how his day has been while emptying his bed pan... "well" says fatty."ive had a strange day,firstly Myfanny Isitchi and im sore after i caught her with my elbow on the bed so ive rubbed some goose fat into it and my swelling is going down now .after i leave here she wants me to take her up the Oxo Tower and im very excited about it as ive never taken anyone up the Oxo Tower before" can you fit a bed pan on someones head? janet can....depends how little the head is ;-) |
| inmydefence 09.07.2007 10:46 |
There's a very Terry Wogan vibe happening on this thread.... its like Janet and John X-rated. |
| Miss Multiples aka colfarrell1 09.07.2007 10:56 |
Janet wrote:thank youcolfarrell1 wrote:Good call. ;-)joxerthesnaileatingpirate wrote: its day 6 and fatty is getting restless... fatty is bored and calls his special friend who works in the backroom of his favourite shop.fattys favourite shop has blacked out windows and serves its goods from under the counter in brown paper bags. fattys friend is half welsh and half japanese and she arrives with an assortment of magazines for him which he hides under the mattress.as hes doing this he catches her with his elbow and it soon gets bruised and enlarged so he uses some of joxer's ointment to sooth it. as he applies the ointment his friend asks him if he would like to visit the new restaurant at the top of the stock cube factory,fatty agrees as he likes stock cubes on his 4 daily breakfasts and has never been to the factory. later after his friend has gone Janet comes to visit him and asks him how his day has been while emptying his bed pan... "well" says fatty."ive had a strange day,firstly Myfanny Isitchi and im sore after i caught her with my elbow on the bed so ive rubbed some goose fat into it and my swelling is going down now .after i leave here she wants me to take her up the Oxo Tower and im very excited about it as ive never taken anyone up the Oxo Tower before" can you fit a bed pan on someones head? janet can....depends how little the head is |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 09.07.2007 15:21 |
inmydefence wrote: There's a very Terry Wogan vibe happening on this thread.... its like Janet and John X-rated.consider it a tip of the hat to all of Wogan's TOGS.i have to stop what im doing when he reads one the stories to Boggy.have you got the janet and john cd's? |
| sparrow 21754 10.07.2007 00:07 |
*sends flowers and a small can of goose fat to fatty* possibly for a recovering 5th breakfast? |
| inmydefence 10.07.2007 07:15 |
joxerthesnaileatingpirate wrote:No i haven't but i bet they are comedic gold! there is a certain amount of genius to the mans wit. guess thats why his breakfast show is one the (if not THE) most viewed breakfast show's in the world!inmydefence wrote: There's a very Terry Wogan vibe happening on this thread.... its like Janet and John X-rated.consider it a tip of the hat to all of Wogan's TOGS.i have to stop what im doing when he reads one the stories to Boggy.have you got the janet and john cd's? |
