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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know" she replies "I'm gonna get tits too
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
"It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.The husband will still feeling fine.The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
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Daddy Calling Home
((RING))))
((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
** Brief Pause**
"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I