| Mr Mercury 28.09.2005 18:55 |
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry." |
| doremi 28.09.2005 19:03 |
Mr Mercury wrote: John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."LMAO and good ''surprise'' punchline! :-) |
| Carol! the Musical 28.09.2005 19:22 |
Lol, I´ve never heard that one before! |
| John S Stuart 30.09.2005 02:51 |
An Australian guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up. 'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.' |
| deleted user 30.09.2005 05:51 |
John S Stuart wrote: An Australian guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up. 'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'Great one. BTW mr. Stuart could you give me your e-mail please? I most prbably got something interesting. allright euhm a joke. A Serial Killer goes to hell. When the killer enters the gaits of hell the devil stands there waiting on him. He shakes hands with the devil and the devil starts talking. The devil says that the man has got to take over the punishment from someone in the hell. So they walked past a lot of people and they stopped at the place where Hitler was working. "This is Adolf Hitler, he has to make a stone for the grave of every jew he killed" said the devil. Then they passed Sadam Hoessain. "This is Saddam Hoessain, he has got to write a letter to every relative of the persons he killed. Then they finally came to the last cell. "This is the last punishment you can choose from to take over". The man looks and sees Bill clinton and Monica Lowinski."This is Bill Clinton he is getting blowjobs 24 hours a day from Monica Lowinski". "Well I'd like to take over that punishment" says the killer with a smile on his face. The devil said "Allright Monica you can go" |
| John S Stuart 30.09.2005 17:40 |
My email is in my profile. Click on my name. Then profile. |
| Bob The Shrek 30.09.2005 19:18 |
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.". "This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million dollars" replied the Pope. "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper .. "They must have seen you coming." |
| flash00. 30.09.2005 21:56 |
these are hilarious!! lollllll |
| Munchsack 13.10.2005 04:58 |
Here's a good one. When Queen took a year off work in 1983, Brian went on Safari. He was alone and just wandering around one day, when he met a tribe of Pygmys. They spoke a bit of English, and told him the name of their tribe was something which sounded like 'Wetherfukawe'. Brian was going to ask what the name meant, when one of them started jumping up and down, going "Where the fuck are we? Where the fuck are we?" |
| eggy 13.10.2005 05:10 |
Here's some to my type of humour... Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." A bloke goes into boots the chemist to buy some deoderant " Aerosol or ball " asks the assistant " neither " replies the bloke " it's for under my arms " A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight > loss program. > > The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands > before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in > nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her > neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight > loss company. > > The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." > > Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles > later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his > way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days > and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs > himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as > promised. > > He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound > program. > > The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the > most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his > life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a > sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have > me." > > Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in > excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but > when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and > wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. > Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only > to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. > > He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the > 7-day/50 pound program. > > "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This > is our most rigorous program." > > "Absolutely," he replies,"I haven't felt this good in years." > > The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it > he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing > nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that > read:, "I'm Ronald. If I catch you, you're mine..." Nelson Mandela is sitting at home w |
| Bob The Shrek 13.10.2005 05:29 |
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man explains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir", he says, "this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, that's too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have. |
| Munchsack 13.10.2005 06:12 |
In keeping with the laywer theme: A lawyer was cross-examining a police officer in court (TRUE STORY!!!) and the following exchange took place. Lawyer: Who gave you the statement? P.O.: One of my fellow officers. Lawyer: And do you trust your fellow officers? P.O.: Yes, I trust them with my life. Lawyer: Tell me, do you have a locker in your police station? P.O.: Yes, sir, I do. Lawyer: And do you lock your locker? P.O. Yes, sir, I do. Lawyer: Then tell me, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you find it necessary to lock your locker? P.O.: Well, you see, sir, we share our lockers with the supreme court, and sometimes lawyers walk through our room. |
| Munchsack 13.10.2005 06:12 |
In keeping with the laywer theme: A lawyer was cross-examining a police officer in court (TRUE STORY!!!) and the following exchange took place. Lawyer: Who gave you the statement? P.O.: One of my fellow officers. Lawyer: And do you trust your fellow officers? P.O.: Yes, I trust them with my life. Lawyer: Tell me, do you have a locker in your police station? P.O.: Yes, sir, I do. Lawyer: And do you lock your locker? P.O. Yes, sir, I do. Lawyer: Then tell me, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you find it necessary to lock your locker? P.O.: Well, you see, sir, we share our lockers with the supreme court, and sometimes lawyers walk through our room. |
| Munchsack 13.10.2005 06:12 |
In keeping with the laywer theme: A lawyer was cross-examining a police officer in court (TRUE STORY!!!) and the following exchange took place. Lawyer: Who gave you the statement? P.O.: One of my fellow officers. Lawyer: And do you trust your fellow officers? P.O.: Yes, I trust them with my life. Lawyer: Tell me, do you have a locker in your police station? P.O.: Yes, sir, I do. Lawyer: And do you lock your locker? P.O. Yes, sir, I do. Lawyer: Then tell me, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you find it necessary to lock your locker? P.O.: Well, you see, sir, we share our lockers with the supreme court, and sometimes lawyers walk through our room. |
| Munchsack 13.10.2005 06:13 |
Oooops, sorry!!!! |
| John S Stuart 13.10.2005 08:04 |
Munchsack: Sorry, but it wasn't that funny first time! |
| eggy 13.10.2005 11:01 |
A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep husky voice the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair----given that you are blind....that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I am 6 foot tall, 175lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady next to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think seriously about it Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says: "Nah....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." And another one… Do you know what they call that guy Musampa who plays for Man City? Chris. |
| Mr Mercury 13.10.2005 14:28 |
Who said "Defeat is ok"? Idi Amin's chiropodist... (de feet....) |
| Mr Mercury 13.10.2005 14:34 |
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic and a spanking. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said! |