|"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams.
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." Author
"It's so long since I've had sex; I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.
"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, ' that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." Emo Philips.
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz SLK 230 convertible." Unknown.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal.
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that' s the law." Jerry Seinfeld.
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children". A Mum.
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic - "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
those are great :-D
|And a few more one-liners to help the day along ...
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Perhaps fortunately, I can't take the credit for any of them!
|Very good!! Heehee :D
Here are some more for you via the comedy god that is Peter Kay:
> **The Genius of Peter Kay...**
> I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid'
> When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
> My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten
> years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
> I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
> I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on
> my real ladder.
> I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
> French Toast during the renaissance.
> My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
> got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> S*x is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
> have a good hand.
> I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
> you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
> If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
> I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
> wrong answers.
> You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.
> **Peter Kay's questions...**
> Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
> of the earth?
> Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your *rse?
> Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand
> up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries'
> have a 'use by' date?
> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp no one would eat?
> Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
> to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
> What do you call male ballerinas?
> Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
> then what is baby oil made from?
> Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars
> the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
> somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you
> but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
> **Peter Kay's Universal Truths**
> Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
> pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps..
> Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
> Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
|"Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator."
heeeeeeeey! i did that and i grew up in the 90's!! go me!! :-P
|lol!!! :D All of these are great. And Nina, I've done that too! lol There used to be this odd math problem with Dolly Parton in that the guys in my class used to do to get that #. :P|
|those are all great lol|
|LOL! great :D i was running out ;)|
|It's not true that all I do all day is post on here, but here are some more ...
Real notes to British milkmen:
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.