Onions and Christmas Trees
Okay so this kid is about 10 years old. He had just met a girl at school that he liked. So he went to his Grandpa and said "Grandpa, what do I need to know about women?"
So his grandpa says "Their breasts, you must know about them."
"What about them?"he asks.
His grandpa says "okay, when a women is in their 20s-30s, their breasts are like melons: Firm and always reliable. When a women is in their 30s-40s their breasts are like pears: a little less firm but still reliable. Now, when a woman is in their 40s to 50s their breasts are like onions."
"Onions you say, how?"
"Well, when you look at them they just want to make you cry."
Well, the kid's sister overheard their conversation and went to her grandma and said "Grandma, is there anything I need to know about men?"
"Yes, you need to know about their d***"
What do I need to know?
Well, in a mans 20s and 30s, their d*** is like a redwood: Tall, strong, and always reliable. In a mans 30s and 40s, their d*** is like birch trees: a little flimsy but still reliable. Now, in a mans 40s and 50s their d*** is like a Christmas tree.
A Christmas tree?
Yes: They're old and rotten and the balls are just there for decoration.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
have already posted this elsewhere - so apols if you're already seen it - or if you're offended
sick joke....
Michael Jackson out of breath yells at his mate Liz Taylor
MJ - "hey Liz eey-haoo, ee-ee!! - i think Gary Glitter must be gay!"
LT - "well, lordy! what makes you think that Michael?"
MJ - "ee-ee - his cock tastes of sh*t"