A joke, which I hope will be apppreciated by all. Even you conservatives. ;)
To the citizens of the United States of America :-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchial duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The
Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you
who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English
accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit
or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you
must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered
down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying
out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football" i
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From
November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred
to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser
(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to
be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey man, quid pro quo! Learn about MAH accent! Ah'm sick 'n tahred of always havin' to put on this fakey veneer jus' so people can unduhstand me when ah TAWK.
As anyone who has met me in person knows, I have reason to sympathize with the Brits.
Pretty good, but as much as that sounds like a great idea, do we REALLY NEED Tony Blair? He's been living in Bush's ass since 2001.
And by the way...EWWWWWW. Potatos fried in animal fat? That's unappetizing.
deleted user 07.11.2004 13:22
Yay! ^_^ That would be much better! Or at least the parts that I read. You really did write a lot...
I've seen this one before but it's still funny. However: it missed out 'nuclear' (nucular?) and the post proved to be self-contradictory with saying that the bleeps in Jerry Springer were to be removed but later the word 'cr*p' appeared.
I still found it amusing.
That is all.
Hey.. I am all for that change.. because once we are reunited with our British heritage then Queen/Brian Roger.. will be required to play here as it is part of their country again.. :)
God Save The Queen.....
deleted user 08.11.2004 13:26
Does legal permanent residents become part of the new British empire too?