John S Stuart 01.02.2007 13:33 |
The Patented John S. Stuart Healthy Living Programme Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ........ Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is so good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride. Any subscribers? |
Ale Solan 01.02.2007 13:51 |
I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one? |
Lester Burnham 01.02.2007 13:54 |
John S Stuart wrote: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride.This is one of my favorite quotes ever. My friend repeated a variation of this to me a few years ago, and I've lived by it since. That said, I'm already a happy subscriber, so I'll just weigh in with my support to this system. It really works! |
Eviltwin 01.02.2007 13:58 |
Oh...It would appear I've wandered into a "man's thread" I'll just take my scale and leave. |
John S Stuart 01.02.2007 13:59 |
Alex Solan? wrote: I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?You want X-large, XX-large, or the most popular XXX large? (And no XXX IS a size - and not a pornographic grading system!) |
AspiringPhilosophe 01.02.2007 14:11 |
**laughes** That is brilliant! I'll have to remember this when I'm in my cardio variety aerobics class tonight and I'm ready to kill my instructor. However, it is kinda funny that this stuff is fine for guys to do, but no guy wants to be with a girl who subscribes to this theory, because she won't be very "attractive" |
Ale Solan 01.02.2007 15:08 |
John S Stuart wrote:I'm already XL so I'll be looking forward to get a XXL. Cheers.Alex Solan? wrote: I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?You want X-large, XX-large, or the most popular XXX large? (And no XXX IS a size - and not a pornographic grading system!) |
Nathan 01.02.2007 15:34 |
I think I might put in a subscription too. Mind you, I don't think I need it. I'm fresh as a daisy already. |
thomasquinn 32989 01.02.2007 15:38 |
John S Stuart wrote:I've been using your system for years, yet I'm skinny as hell :D See? It works!Alex Solan? wrote: I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?You want X-large, XX-large, or the most popular XXX large? (And no XXX IS a size - and not a pornographic grading system!) |
Micrówave 01.02.2007 15:59 |
{Submitted question} The Patented John S. Stuart Healthy Living Programme Q: Is smoking a good way to lose weight, or do I really need to lose weight? |
John S Stuart 01.02.2007 16:25 |
Micrówave wrote: Q: Is smoking a good way to lose weight, or do I really need to lose weight?Mr. Microwave: Tobacco is just good for you - period - whether you wish to lose weight or not. End of discussion. BUT THIS TELLS ME YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING!!! Tobacco is a p-l-a-n-t. And a plant is still a vegetable. How could more vegetables be bad for you? You don't need to be a Doctor to figure that one out - duh!!! PS: Having just looked at your profile pic I now see that you meant taco - rather than tobacco smoking. Well this is still good. Have you not heard of a mixed vegetable diet - so smoking tacos still works. Personally though, I think you need to visit an optician - let's be honest here - misreading the word 'TobACcO' for 'TACO' must be a sure sign for new spectacles in anybody's language;-) |
John S Stuart 01.02.2007 16:26 |
Alex Solan? wrote:ONLY XX-L?John S Stuart wrote:I'm already XL so I'll be looking forward to get a XXL. Cheers.Alex Solan? wrote: I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?You want X-large, XX-large, or the most popular XXX large? (And no XXX IS a size - and not a pornographic grading system!) My god - you on a diet or something? |
Smitty 01.02.2007 16:58 |
Remember, you can't spell Diet without DIE!! |
Ale Solan 01.02.2007 18:06 |
John S Stuart wrote: ONLY XX-L? My god - you on a diet or somethingI think you forgot an important subject in your programme: a girlfriend/couple/wife/lover. I'm a bit worried about my girlfriend and about the fact she wouldn't find me any more attractive if I go further in your Healthy Living Programme. Note apart: she's an "anti trans fat" person. Shame on her, right? |
John S Stuart 01.02.2007 18:28 |
Alex Solan? wrote:But if you lose weight, won't there be less of you for her to love?John S Stuart wrote: ONLY XX-L? My god - you on a diet or somethingI think you forgot an important subject in your programme: a girlfriend/couple/wife/lover. I'm a bit worried about my girlfriend and about the fact she wouldn't find me any more attractive if I go further in your Healthy Living Programme. Note apart: she's an "anti trans fat" person. Shame on her, right? I guess she wouldn't want this - right? |
deleted user 01.02.2007 19:29 |
I've been following this programme all my life and it has worked. My weight has been 106 lbs. for about the past five years ! |
Raf 01.02.2007 19:42 |
CMU HistoryGirl wrote: However, it is kinda funny that this stuff is fine for guys to do, but no guy wants to be with a girl who subscribes to this theory, because she won't be very "attractive"Pffft. Real men are metrosexual men. |
sparrow 21754 01.02.2007 21:51 |
John S Stuart wrote:nicotine is also soothing, anger makes the heart rate go up, tobacco has nicotine (well cigarettes anyway), so more cigarettes= calm heart, less spazzy stressy people.Micrówave wrote: Q: Is smoking a good way to lose weight, or do I really need to lose weight?Mr. Microwave: Tobacco is just good for you - period - whether you wish to lose weight or not. End of discussion. BUT THIS TELLS ME YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING!!! Tobacco is a p-l-a-n-t. And a plant is still a vegetable. How could more vegetables be bad for you? You don't need to be a Doctor to figure that one out - duh!!! PS: Having just looked at your profile pic I now see that you meant taco - rather than tobacco smoking. Well this is still good. Have you not heard of a mixed vegetable diet - so smoking tacos still works. Personally though, I think you need to visit an optician - let's be honest here - misreading the word 'TobACcO' for 'TACO' must be a sure sign for new spectacles in anybody's language;-) ive been a fan of mr stuarts program for years. even tho i cant smoke :-p |
thomasquinn 32989 02.02.2007 09:59 |
<font color="lime">Raf840 wrote:You're trying to find an excuse for shaving your ass?CMU HistoryGirl wrote: However, it is kinda funny that this stuff is fine for guys to do, but no guy wants to be with a girl who subscribes to this theory, because she won't be very "attractive"Pffft. Real men are metrosexual men. |
Erin 02.02.2007 11:19 |
Finally..a diet I can stick to! Thanks for the advice, John! |