| FreeSpirit328 24.06.2006 15:55 |
Ok, I don't really know what my point is in writing this...maybe I just need input from other people, or maybe I am crazy. I don't know. I had a bad night last night. I thought talking to my mother would help, but it only made it worse. I was telling her how I don't feel like I part of the group of people at church; how even though I'm in a room full of people, I still feel like the loneliest person on the planet. She listened for a while, and then she started bad mouthing my church and everyone in it. She told me that when the missionaries came over Thursday night (like they always do), she peeked through the blind and didn't like what she saw. She said she saw one of them looking straight at her with the look of the Devil in his eyes. Then she started saying stuff like the Missionaires were dweebs who dressed up like twins, and she didn't like them coming over. Anyway, she said that they had looks on their faces...like I don't what...she didn't say. I guess my point is that she's really making me feel insecure about people. I thought I made them laugh, I thought there were at least a few people who don't think of me as an inconvenience, but how can I know for sure? I can't see them. People can have looks of total disgust on their faces and still sound like they are enjoying being here, and I don't even know it. That means I've been making a total ass of myself for the past ten months. Of course I know understand that unless you are blind too, through no fault of your own, probably don't really know how I feel...that's okay. I'm just so insecure about everything...damn blindness took away the little control I had. |
| YourValentine 24.06.2006 16:28 |
You never really know about people except your family and the ones you really love. We all turn a "blind eye" to the fact that we simply do not know if people are honest with us or only friendly in our faces. I understand that you feel more insecure because you cannot see their faces. Surely I cannot advise you about these people your mother does not like. You said you did not feel to be a part of this group, so maybe she is right about them or maybe not, that is hard to tell. But one thing is sure: you are not an inconvenience only because you cannot see. One of my best friends is blind and she knows more than most people I ever met, she is the most sensitive person I can think of and her judgement means a lot to me. She was not always blind and she had bad times to get used to the situation. Today she knows who she is and she learnt to trust her other senses and she makes up her own mind. I really hope you get there,too. |
| magicalfreddiemercury 24.06.2006 17:28 |
Without seeing the faces of the people you mentioned, you sensed something wrong between you and them. Your mom simply validated that feeling. Instead of letting her comments make you feel insecure about people, you should, in my opinion, feel empowered. Are you and your mom right? That's impossible for any of us to say. But you 'knew' something wasn't working for you and you acted on it. Why not give yourself credit for that? At one time or another, we're all blind by choice in that we see only what we want to see. You faced this directly. That's to be commended. I think you should trust yourself and your instincts. |
| FreeSpirit328 24.06.2006 17:53 |
Thanks It's just that until the other day, my mother had never even seen these people, so I guess I'm also thinking how can she be so judgemental or maybe the old phrase, "first impressions aren't always what they seem (I think that's it)" I do know there are only three people at church that I know for sure are my friends. I guess I should be thankful for that....it's all the others (over 200 of them) who seem to be so ignorent. They don't want to bother with me not only because of the blindness but also the fact that I can't walk. Oh well, thanks for the advice and thoughts...I guess it's something I'll have to think about some more. |
| ~im a fool~ 24.06.2006 17:58 |
so are you with the whole church thing or not? do you like 'talking to god' or do you believe what you wnat to belive. i say think what you want to think and dont let anyone change it. |
| FreeSpirit328 24.06.2006 18:04 |
im a fool wrote: so are you with the whole church thing or not? do you like 'talking to god' or do you believe what you wnat to belive. i say think what you want to think and dont let anyone change it.I believe some of it, but not all. I just thought I had found a place where I'd fit in (finally). I guess I don't though A lot of them don't understand why I don't participate in prayer etc. I tell them I have anxiety, which is not a lie, but I also think praying and all that stuff is something personal that should be done on my own time without everyone else knowing what I'm praying for. |
| FreeSpirit328 24.06.2006 18:08 |
I just wanted to add that I'm still trying to find organizations to join, but I've searched online and there doesn't seem to be anything I'm really interested in. There's always soap fan clubs, but that would senseless because I can't read the magazine, see the photos or go to the lunches they hold once a year. Same thing with the Queen fan club etc. So my point is just that I'm still searching for the right group of people, people who are physically there in the same place I mean. I don't even seem to fit in with the blind people in the National Federation For The Blind (I'm a member). If it's not one thing, it's another, I guess. |
| YourValentine 24.06.2006 21:19 |
Perhaps you are not someone who fits in, perhaps you are someone who stands out. Maybe I am wrong but you seem to look for friends rather than some sort of group. Posting on this board is more that many people in your situation would be capable of, so I would assume you are a very bright person who has something to offer. If you have 3 friends in your church this is a start, don't you think? Spend time with your friends and you'll get the chance to meet more people without tying too hard to fit in somewhere. I know it's easy to give some cheap advice on the internet and I can imagine it's very hard for you but I think you don't give yourself enough credit. |
| magicalfreddiemercury 24.06.2006 21:40 |
Beautifully said, YourValentine, and I agree completely. |
| FreeSpirit328 24.06.2006 22:03 |
I keep telling myself that. Plus, I keep telling myself that it shouldn't be this hard to make friends...let them come to you. The problem with that is they come very far, and very few between, and most of them after a while don't bother with me anymore. I know it's because I complain too much, but when you literally never go out or anything, it's very difficult to find anything to talk about, which is why I prefer responding to threads instead of starting them. I'm very good at talking about me...God, that sounds so vain! It's not because I enjoy talking about me though...I guess despite the fact that I had high grades throughout school, I lack communication skills in some ways. Now I'll tell a quick funny story. Once I went shopping with my grandmother. When the woman at the door greeted us, she talked to me like I was two years old (I was at least eighteen), and put one of those smiley stickers on my jacket. I didn't say anything to her, but once we were out of her view I tore it off and said to my grandmother, "I guess she thinks I'm a retarted kid in a wheelchair!" I can laugh at it now, but at the time I was very insulted, lol. |
| magicalfreddiemercury 24.06.2006 22:29 |
Do you work Freespirit? Do you have specific interests? I'm a writer. I'm married and have a daughter. I'm 42. I have to say, same as you, I rarely feel as though I fit in. But you know what? I don't care. I'd rather be me alone than pretend to be someone I'm not just to fit in with others. And so I write. I love my career. I'm 'with people' all the time. I live vicariously through the characters I create. Sick? Pathetic? To others perhaps, but not to me. And when I do go out with friends or family you'd be surprised how many questions I get about my writing. So people are interested, despite the fact they think I'm a bit twisted for enjoying my own company over that of others. Don't just sit in your room and do nothing (you mentioned that somewhere, but I can't find it now). Learn to play the guitar. Write a story... if you can't type, there's a program... hmmm. Dragon something... that types as you speak. There are other programs that will read it back. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. The happier you are, the more people you'll attract. Just think how happy you'll be then. |
| FreeSpirit328 24.06.2006 23:33 |
magicalfreddiemercury wrote: Do you work Freespirit? Do you have specific interests? I'm a writer. I'm married and have a daughter. I'm 42. I have to say, same as you, I rarely feel as though I fit in. But you know what? I don't care. I'd rather be me alone than pretend to be someone I'm not just to fit in with others. And so I write. I love my career. I'm 'with people' all the time. I live vicariously through the characters I create. Sick? Pathetic? To others perhaps, but not to me. And when I do go out with friends or family you'd be surprised how many questions I get about my writing. So people are interested, despite the fact they think I'm a bit twisted for enjoying my own company over that of others. Don't just sit in your room and do nothing (you mentioned that somewhere, but I can't find it now). Learn to play the guitar. Write a story... if you can't type, there's a program... hmmm. Dragon something... that types as you speak. There are other programs that will read it back. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. The happier you are, the more people you'll attract. Just think how happy you'll be then. I don't work, but have been looking for a job for over three and a half years. I have two certificates in Customer Service, and it's amazing how unimpressive that is to employers, lol. Back in December, I interviewed with Bank of America. They had called me three times before I agreed to meet with them, but I finally did, and I was pretty confident they were going to hire me. I didn't end up getting hired though because I didn't have a Supervisor listed from when I worked as an Avon Rep. They thought that was odd, but I didn't know what to tell them...I never had a Supervisor; I was self employed. I have a lot of interests: singing/music (all types allmost), reading, animals, politics, computers, travel (although I never get to do any), and I used to enjoy writing. Sometimes I still do, but it depends what kind of mood I'm in and what my attention level is. I probably have more interests...I just don't know what they are yet. Transportation is an issue for me, so even though I would like to finish college with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, It's difficult to achieve. I know there's online classes, but I do better with a structured environment. (I tried online classes once and it didn't work out). LOL, I have a guitar, and if I can find someone who's comfortable teaching me how to read/write music, I'll surely learn. I absolutely LOVE the sound of the guitar! |
| ~im a fool~ 25.06.2006 13:48 |
well do you need to belive in god to make you feel safe or to go along with whatever your family does? |
| FreeSpirit328 25.06.2006 14:05 |
im a fool wrote: well do you need to belive in god to make you feel safe or to go along with whatever your family does?Hmmm....I didn't do it for them. I just always had an interest in this particular church, so I joined last September. I have cousins who belong to the church in a different state, and from what I had heard, everyone was so nice there, and my grandmother told me I was more likely to meet my future husband in a church rather than just at some kind of regular recreational function. I really liked it for a while, and then the insecurities started. There was a young single's dance some time back, but I didn't hear about it until the week after it was held. I don't know if I was the only one who didn't know about it, maybe most of the people didn't know either. That started it though. Most of the people I talk to over there know all too well how much I want to meet somebody to marry someday, so it just seemed to me like a possible conspiracy. I actually just got back from church a little while ago. I went with the older couple who truly are my friends. Well, I fell asleep during most of the first hour, lol |
| DreaminQueen 25.06.2006 14:36 |
Theres been some great advice given to you here my dear. And I really dont know what i can add, but im going to give it a shot. I must start off by saying, you are a lovely person I think because lovely people have a hard time accepting that they are so. Because you cannot please everyone, and for some strange reason when these other people aren't happy, then for some reason, nice people have a tendency to blame themselves. I know i always think I do the wrong things quite often, despite what others tell me, i still have a tendency to feel like the horses arse. Perhaps thats because i hate it when theres an air of tension or when i feel someone is putting on a facade for whatever reason. But everyone at some point in their lives is insecure. And i must applaud you for admitting that perhaps you are. But in this case i dont think its that. However, as someone said earlier, trust your guy feelings, because more often they are right. Because i know that i read people i think fairly well. And if i get a bad feeling about them, it may not show up to later, but i am generally right. (god how conceited do i sound, im TERRIBLY sorry about this) But if you know you have 3 good friends that go on that. I cant imagine how things must be for you being blind, but i again applaud you for trying to broaden your horizons and trying to find somewhere to "fit". Beacuse some people in your stance would give up and sulk in the corner. But honestly, I myself dont fit in anywhere in particular either. So your blindness doesnt have as big apart in it as you think. Its that SOME people have a tendency to not participate with anyone whos views are different, love different music or whatever. Thats in no way your fault. It is that sometimes others wont take the time to get to know you, they put labels on others, like oh "thats the Queen girl, shes weird" or "Omg, shes got black nail varnish on, shes..." and fill in the blank. But dont ever be insecure about who you are, because confidence will show. And if you've got your three friends, thats perfect! Build some memories with them and watch yourself grow. Ok, ive completely rambled and i apologize for the length of this... I hope i can help, and plus i echo anything the others have said. |
| FreeSpirit328 25.06.2006 15:17 |
Thank you DreamingQueen :) I started to think about it and maybe I did generalize what my mother was saying. I think she was just mad because everyone except for those three people weren't consistant in my life. I don't think she thought all 200 hundred people should be, but she had it out for a few other people I had mentioned that night. I will add that she was drunk at the time, but then again, she usually is at night, so maybe it was just the wine talking...although I have also heard that sometimes people are more honest when they're drunk...I don'tknow. |
| DreaminQueen 25.06.2006 16:55 |
FreeSpirit328 wrote: Thank you DreamingQueen :) I started to think about it and maybe I did generalize what my mother was saying. I think she was just mad because everyone except for those three people weren't consistant in my life. I don't think she thought all 200 hundred people should be, but she had it out for a few other people I had mentioned that night. I will add that she was drunk at the time, but then again, she usually is at night, so maybe it was just the wine talking...although I have also heard that sometimes people are more honest when they're drunk...I don'tknow.Any time :-) Well you sometimes its hard to see what people actually mean in its entirety, so i suppose you take it as how you think she intentioned it. But you know the situation better than any of us so only you can make that call. But she cant expect 200 people to be consistent in your life. Especially when its like an unwritten rule that "People come and people go" in your life. But the ones who stay are the ones who truly count. And some come in earlier and stay and some come later and stay. But only time can tell that sort of thing i suppose. It can be a hard pill to swallow so to speak because Sometimes you'll have people (as im sure you may have experienced) who you think are here to stay, and it turns our wrong for whatever reason. But whomever comes into and out of your life, stays or goes, take it as experience and learn from it. But by the looks of things, you've got that well covered my dear! Good luck with everything else as well. |
| ~im a fool~ 25.06.2006 22:25 |
if you like it enjoy it. but if you find it confusing find a better way to spend your godly time. like at a youth group, or something. the only reason i go to youth group sometimes is because there are some really hot guys there. sad i know. |
| FreddiesGhettoTrench 25.06.2006 22:51 |
I know how you feel. It's hard to read people and it's easy to feel like people aren't being upfront with you. Just believe in yourself and let the rest take hold :) |
| ~im a fool~ 26.06.2006 10:57 |
those hot guys i was talking about, they dont come anymore. bummer. but none of them are as hot as brian may! (thats impossible) |
| FreeSpirit328 26.06.2006 15:03 |
im a fool wrote: if you like it enjoy it. but if you find it confusing find a better way to spend your godly time. like at a youth group, or something. the only reason i go to youth group sometimes is because there are some really hot guys there. sad i know.Well, we can both think it's said together, lol. One of the reasons I joined my church was to find a guy, lol. It's part of the reason I joined the National Federation For The Blind...to meet men. No luck though, except for one single 26 year old, the rest are Senior citizens who for the most part are married. We'll see what happens with In-sight, the new organization I'm joining. I fear that most of them are senior citizens as well though. |
| FreeSpirit328 26.06.2006 15:05 |
I could always get into all my insecuries about men, but I won't do that...that could go on for years, lol |
| DreaminQueen 26.06.2006 20:33 |
FreeSpirit328 wrote: I could always get into all my insecuries about men, but I won't do that...that could go on for years, lolAmen to that sister! me too! |