| That guy who digs energy domes 18.05.2006 21:02 |
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like .. Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like . Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like . Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like .Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like . Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like .. Commercials . You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like . Government Bonds . They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10 Men are like . Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like . Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like . Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots .. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. |
| Erin 18.05.2006 21:03 |
That's about right. |
| Carol! the Musical 18.05.2006 21:10 |
Haha, cool!! |
| bohemian_queer 18.05.2006 21:24 |
Hear hear! (wait.. is it "here here"?) Whichever, I thought it called for that response. :-P Nice one Ben :D |
| bohemian_queer 18.05.2006 21:24 |
If you want sexist jokes, here's on to burn the women! :D Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight talked excessively without making sense became overly emotional couldn't drive failed to think rationally argued over nothing, and refused to apologise when wrong. No further testing is planned. |
| mayniac316 18.05.2006 21:30 |
ROTFL! :D Those were great! Do you have anymore? Here are some guitar jokes I found along these lines... Why Guitars are better than Men: - Guitars don't watch TV. - Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs. - Guitars don't snore. - Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom. - If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one. - You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own. - You don't have to feed your Guitar. - Guitars never argue, you are always right. - Guitars never try to show you off to their friends. - Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars. - Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars. - Guitars don't care about their performance. - Guitars don't get you pregnant. - Guitars don't have mothers. - When you've finished playing, you can put it away. - You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it. - Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players. - You don't have to explain to a Guitar if you don't feel like playing tonight. - Guitars don't have egos. - Guitars don't need remote control units. - You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used. - You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right. - You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control. - Your Guitar never finishes before you do. - You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother. - Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday. - When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and know that it can be fixed). - Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar. - Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard. |
| That guy who digs energy domes 18.05.2006 21:39 |
WAL-MART APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny..... NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice Pr esident. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ? DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I ! be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. |
| The prophet's song 19.05.2006 04:36 |
Three men were on a hike and came across raging river in which they really needed to cross. The current was so strong they dared not swim across it. All of a sudden, a genie appeared, giving each one of them a wish. The fist man wished for the speed to get across, and out of thin air popped a jet boat and he whizzed over the other side. The second man wished for the height to get across and just like that his legs grew so large he could step over the river. The third man wished for the brains to get across, and with a blink of an eye, he turned into a woman and used the bridge. |
| deleted user 19.05.2006 08:08 |
<b><font color=teal>Sasha wrote: Fem(i)nist.I was just about to say that. |
| Erin 19.05.2006 10:23 |
<b><font color = "crimson">Thomas Quinn wrote:Y'all are so anal..;-)<b><font color=teal>Sasha wrote: Fem(i)nist.I was just about to say that. |
| Mr.Jingles 19.05.2006 10:49 |
Erin wrote:Hmmmmmmmmmmm!... anal<b><font color = "crimson">Thomas Quinn wrote:Y'all are so anal..;-)<b><font color=teal>Sasha wrote: Fem(i)nist.I was just about to say that. |
| Erin 19.05.2006 10:56 |
Mr.Jingles wrote: Hmmmmmmmmmmm!... anal:-P |
| AspiringPhilosophe 19.05.2006 11:06 |
Excellent jokes thus far, all! Here's one for you... His and Hers Road Trip HERS 1. Pulls off at wrong exit. 2. Opens window. 3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer. 4. Arrives at destination presently. HIS 1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. 2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. 3. Drives an extra five miles just in case. 4. Finally rolls down window. 5. Hocks a loogie. 6. Pulls up to a 7-Eleven. 7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee and beef jerky. 8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway. 9. Gets back into car. 10. Farts, after he closes the door. 11. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven. 12. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was. 13. Almost hits a deer. 14. Curses the night. 15. Curses you. 16. Curses the large Slurpee. 17. Stops by the side of the road. 18 Takes a leak. 19. Still taking a leak. 20. Almost done...I think. 21. Returns to car. 22. Drives and fiddles with radio. 23. Yells at you for suggesting the map again. 24. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. 25. He hates your sister, ever since she called him a pernicious weasel. 26. He had to look up pernicious. 27. Couldn't find a dictionary. 28. Finally found a dictionary. 29. Couldn't spell pernicious. 30. Seethes at the memory of it all. 31. But she is laughing inside. 32. And of course you're still lost. |
| deleted user 19.05.2006 11:48 |
Erin wrote:Y'all? Do I look like a southern man to you? Hell, they'd lynch me before noon on the first day I was in the south, I bet!<b><font color = "crimson">Thomas Quinn wrote:Y'all are so anal..;-)<b><font color=teal>Sasha wrote: Fem(i)nist.I was just about to say that. |
| Erin 19.05.2006 12:29 |
<b><font color = "crimson">Thomas Quinn wrote: Y'all? Do I look like a southern man to you? Hell, they'd lynch me before noon on the first day I was in the south, I bet!Nah..just put on a klan hood, and you'll be safe. I do hope you don't think the South is that bad. |