| Nathan 17.05.2006 13:49 |
Here, you can post any jokes you can think of. Nothing dirty or offensive now. |
| Mark_Sommers 17.05.2006 13:50 |
Thank you for giving us such a wonderful oppurtunity |
| Carol! the Musical 17.05.2006 21:36 |
Okay, I found a good one! Here it goes... A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing! Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!" Ha, and you thought it'd have a nasty ending! No, no, no, get your mind outta the GUTTER! XD |
| Nathan 18.05.2006 04:33 |
Oh my goodness, I can't believe that! LOL a thousand times. So, do you have any more you'd like to share with us? |
| Carol! the Musical 18.05.2006 16:53 |
I don't remember if I told this one... Sorry if I have! I love this one! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes about ten seconds and only costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and his own sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant; Twins. They aren't yours: Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Have a Nice Day THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING @ WAL-MART |
| Carol! the Musical 18.05.2006 17:03 |
Another one! It's called, "I Could Use a Little Money" Dear Father, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad |
| Carol! the Musical 18.05.2006 17:04 |
Hahahahahaha! Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time! LMAO! |
| KillerQueen840 18.05.2006 18:05 |
My friend told me this one today at lunch that she heard from someone else: "Hey, why does Jacko want to sell his ranch?" "I dunno." "Because it's over eight years old!" |
| Carol! the Musical 18.05.2006 18:32 |
Hahaha, lol!! |
| Penetration_Guru 18.05.2006 19:11 |
What's red & white and goes "beep...beep...beep...beep"? Arsenal's open top bus going back in the garage... |
| That guy who digs energy domes 18.05.2006 20:47 |
Blonde Cookbook Diary MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose. |
| greaserkat 18.05.2006 23:26 |
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?? One is plastic and is hazardeous to children, and the other is used to put groceries in. What do you call a blakc guy with a bike?? A thief. Sorry, couldnt resist. fucked up but funny. |
| The prophet's song 19.05.2006 04:48 |
Here's a George Dubya joke that took me a while to get ha ha George W. Bush and all his political buddies called a meeting to see what was going on in the world, when Condaleeza Rice stood up and spoke. "well Mr. President, we have had a reasonably good week so far, but yesterday I'm sad to say, a group of your secret service agents accidentally shot and killed three brazillian men". "Woah" George said "Condi, thats bad" then after a miniutes pause he said "exactly how many people is a brazillian?" (sorry if anyone reading this is brazillian) |
| deleted user 19.05.2006 08:17 |
Henri Kissinger, the pope and a hippie are traveling on a small plane. Suddenly, the pilot comes running past them: "The engines are on fire; we're crashing. I have to inform the airline". Having said that, he puts on a parachute, throws two more on the floor and jumps out the door. Kissinger immediately jumps up, and says: "I'm the smartest man in the world, the president needs me.", he puts on a parachute and jumps out the door. The pope says to the hippie, "son, I am a man of God, you take the last parachute." The hippie smiles, and says: "no need, your holiness, the smartest man in the world just took my backpack." |
| Erin 19.05.2006 10:43 |
Don't Fart in Bed This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. |