| deleted user 13.03.2006 12:03 |
Hi all,anyone got any jokes or funny stories??I need a laugh coz I feel crap today=( |
| flash! 28068 13.03.2006 13:00 |
I only know old, crap ones about Michael Jackson which you probably know but here it is anyway... When do you know its playtime at Neverland? -When the big hand touches the little hand (lol sounds dodgy i know!) |
| My Melancholy Blues 13.03.2006 13:01 |
Here is my kind of funny episode. Once I ordered a shrimp-fillet-o-burger at a McDonald shop nearby. Soon after I received my package bag, I opened the bag and I made sure what I received was truly what I ordered by the package paper wrapping the burger. Because I know this shop sometimes makes mistakes. I was relieved to see the wrapping paper showing a shrimp-fillet-o-burger. Soon I went home and opened it. Hmm, it really looked a shrimp-fillet-o-burger, even I opened its wrapping paper, so I bit it without doubt aaand "OMG! What's this?! It can't be!" I was so much surprized. Because the fillet which I bit was chicken! The fillet which was put into was NOT shrimp at all! "There! They did it again in a new way! I can't believe it!" |
| flash! 28068 13.03.2006 13:22 |
Psychiatrist phone Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal retentive, please hold. lol |
| Freya is quietly judging you. 13.03.2006 13:25 |
Haha! That's brilliant Flash! |
| its_a_hard_life 26994 13.03.2006 13:42 |
Hahahaha Flash! thats GREAT :D |
| Sergei. 13.03.2006 18:07 |
lol |
| -luke_taylor- 28432 13.03.2006 19:10 |
<font color=red>Sasha wrote: This is my signature joke... How do you tell an oral thermometer from a rectal thermometer? The Taste! *rim shot*ewwww |
| Munchsack 14.03.2006 12:14 |
A Scotsman is trapped in a room with a man-eating tiger, a poisonous snake and an Englishman. He has a gun with two bullets in it. What does he do? He shoots the Englishman with the first bullet, then shoots him again with the second, just to make sure. |
| deleted user 14.03.2006 12:15 |
Munchsack wrote: A Scotsman is trapped in a room with a man-eating tiger, a poisonous snake and an Englishman. He has a gun with two bullets in it. What does he do? He shoots the Englishman with the first bullet, then shoots him again with the second, just to make sure.LOl I like that one lol |
| Munchsack 14.03.2006 12:18 |
The really sad thing is it's probably true. |
| Kensington Love 15.03.2006 02:03 |
<font color=red>Flash! wrote: Psychiatrist phone Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal retentive, please hold. lolLOL! I LOVE that one! ;) |
| Kensington Love 15.03.2006 02:43 |
A young man goes to visit his uncle,who lives on the outskirts of town. They sit down to breakfast,and the young man observes that the plates are not very clean. He questions his uncle,only to be told,"They're as clean as cold water can get them." When they finish eating,the dishes are taken to the kitchen to be cleaned. Later, when the young man comes in for lunch,he notices what appears to be bits of dried egg from breakfast still on the plates. He questions his uncle again about the plates. "Look,I told you,they're as clean as cold water can get them,now just eat." Naturally,for dinner,the young man decided to go out. When he attempted to go outside,however,his uncle's dog was barking quite ferociously and would not let him pass. He called to his uncle,"The dog won't let me out." His uncle called out to the dog,"Cold Water,get your bum out of the way!" lol ;) |
| That guy who digs energy domes 15.03.2006 20:34 |
some comparison jokes What does Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common? 40 year old meat in 8 year old buns. What does a vending machine and Monica Lewinski have in common? They both say "insert Bill here" |
| Sherwood Forest 15.03.2006 20:40 |
what does michael jackson and jesus have in common? (singing) Jesus loves the little children |
| That guy who digs energy domes 16.03.2006 16:18 |
KensingtonLove(Dharankanawala) wrote: A young man goes to visit his uncle,who lives on the outskirts of town. They sit down to breakfast,and the young man observes that the plates are not very clean. He questions his uncle,only to be told,"They're as clean as cold water can get them." When they finish eating,the dishes are taken to the kitchen to be cleaned. Later, when the young man comes in for lunch,he notices what appears to be bits of dried egg from breakfast still on the plates. He questions his uncle again about the plates. "Look,I told you,they're as clean as cold water can get them,now just eat." Naturally,for dinner,the young man decided to go out. When he attempted to go outside,however,his uncle's dog was barking quite ferociously and would not let him pass. He called to his uncle,"The dog won't let me out." His uncle called out to the dog,"Cold Water,get your bum out of the way!" lol ;)nice |
| its_a_hard_life 26994 16.03.2006 19:28 |
<font color=red>Sasha wrote: What's black and white and can't get through the door? A Zebra with a spear through it's head.LOL |
| That guy who digs energy domes 16.03.2006 20:12 |
Here's one from coach- A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls..no point in you coming." |
| That guy who digs energy domes 16.03.2006 20:14 |
Another- All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, thelegs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !! |
| That guy who digs energy domes 16.03.2006 20:30 |
PIERRE THE PILOT Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breast. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,PIERRE,WHAT THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!" |