| Flashman 15.01.2006 09:22 |
After a recent bout of sickness, it appears I must have a camera inserted to check my colon, which they tell me is the cause of my malaise. A young oriental female doctor was kind enough to pop her finger up my bum – whether she sniffed it or not afterwards I couldn’t say, for my eyes were still tightly shut and my head still in a daze. What you poofters see in it, I’ll never know. I certainly couldn’t have accepted anything much larger than a finger. You must all get blind drunk before battle commences – your heads would need to be as well-oiled as your arseholes. Christ, I don’t know how you derive any sort of pleasure from that kind of business – it’s no bloody wonder you all mince about on your tippy-toes all day, you’re still recovering from your first ever joust. I presume they’ll be going in via the exit wound. Please God, let it be smaller than that lass’s finger! Never mind sedation – they’ll need six burly fellows just to pin me down. I know one chap who had to have a camera down his wotsit, if you’ll believe me. Oh Lord, don’t let it be down my wotsit! It’s so precious to me! We’ve been through a lot of women together. So, have you ever had a camera up your arse? Is it simply a case of ‘one up the bum, no harm done’, or is it far, far worse than I can possibly imagine? Please, be graphic if you must, I’m sat down. While I still can. |
| Banquo 15.01.2006 09:50 |
Had a camara inside my knee once. Looking at the inside of your kneecap was very disconcerting. Still plays up when the weather's bad, but for 32 I don't do that bad. |
| Jjeroen 15.01.2006 09:56 |
I'd almost shouted 'WO IST DAS KAMERAAAAAHHHH!?' ;-))) But no, I won't make fun of such an unpleasant operation... All the best Flashman!! |
| Flashman 15.01.2006 10:21 |
link A metal tube, rot you! 23cm into my intestines, hang it all! That settles it - I'll be swimming in so much brandy by the time I get there, they could park a bus up my arse and I'll be none the wiser. |
| Flashman 15.01.2006 12:28 |
I can't understand why I, of all people, should suffer from this particular malady. As everyone knows - God made me a perfect arsehole. |
| Brian_Mays_Wig 15.01.2006 12:33 |
My eyes are watering. Still, nice to see you back! |
| Thanks 15.01.2006 13:04 |
After all those years of giving, it's time to take. Just remember - there's always time for lubrication. |
| -luke_taylor- 28432 15.01.2006 13:11 |
Lol sick, eewww, i feel sorry for ya, but glad its not me, but im sure you could handle it i mean if a gay has a dick up his arse for fun lol, u might like it could be an experience for ya |
| YourValentine 15.01.2006 13:40 |
Just in case this is serious... Do not have anyone perform such an examination without a sedative. In my country the doctor has to explain the procedure/risks to you and you have to sign a 5 page paper to confirm that you are aware of all aspects of the procedure. The sedative will make you semi unconscious, so there is no anxiety and no pain. Do not let anyone insert anything into your body without such a sedative. If the doctor thinks it's unnecessary, he has probably the nature of a butcher and will treat you like this. Find someone else, preferably Barry's doctor. |
| Queenleaf 15.01.2006 13:53 |
Oh dear I laughed so much! I shouldn't - it sounds painful! Flashy's just so entertaining! |
| -luke_taylor- 28432 15.01.2006 15:46 |
<font color=FF0099>Linda Of The Valley wrote:oops someone made a mistakeQueenleaf wrote: Oh dear I laughed so much! I shouldn't - it sounds painful! Flashy's just so entertaining!It's not a joke, though! |
| carboengine 15.01.2006 16:10 |
I am unfortunately of the age group where this lovely procedure is recommended every so many years, so I had it done. I was super-hysterical prior, and as they do for everyone, they put an intravenous needle in, put me to "sleep", and then gave me something IV to "wake" me up, and I was not groggy afterwards. Rats! I missed the whole show which, if I had been awake, I could have watched on their "tv" screen. I saw just a minute or two at the beginning. It looked like a wild ride on the rollercoaster colon. Up. Down. Around the curve. Raise your hands up over your head and scream! The night-before prep, however, is by faaaaaaaaaar worse. How one little bottle of laxative can cause such a great and continous explosion is beyond me. Oh, poor Flashman, just seat-belt yourself to the toilet all night and let 'er rip. Do let us know how everything turns out. Well, maybe not everything. I am sure your rendition will be highly entertaining! |
| brENsKi 15.01.2006 16:40 |
Flashman wrote: So, have you ever had a camera up your arse? Is it simply a case of ‘one up the bum, no harm done’, or is it far, far worse than I can possibly imagine? Please, be graphic if you must, I’m sat down. While I still can.depends if the camera and sound crew are still attached when it goes in and whether they are shitting (sorry shooting) widescreen or 4x3 |
| Brimon 15.01.2006 16:57 |
While you're in there, it might be worth asking them if they'll give your teeth the once over. I only mention it because someone once said you talked out of your arse. |
| blerp 15.01.2006 17:01 |
This is exactly why I will never become a doctor. |
| jcrawford79 15.01.2006 18:08 |
Flashman wrote: So, have you ever had a camera up your arse? Is it simply a case of ‘one up the bum, no harm done’, or is it far, far worse than I can possibly imagine?I've had a colonoscopy and a EGD. There's nothing to it. They give some Valium or Versed IV before the procedure and then they wake you up when its done. Besides, the diameter of the endoscope is very, very small. The only unpleasant part of the whole ordeal is the night before with the mag citrate or whatever laxative they prefer to use. Makes for a very restless night. |
| Queenleaf 15.01.2006 22:46 |
<font color=FF0099>Linda Of The Valley wrote:no no hun I know it isn't that's why I said I shouldn't. i only ment that Flashman is entertaining about the most dismal topics!Queenleaf wrote: Oh dear I laughed so much! I shouldn't - it sounds painful! Flashy's just so entertaining!It's not a joke, though! |
| Togg 16.01.2006 07:00 |
Sounds like it's time to take one for Queen and country Flashman! now which Queen is up to you! Hope it goes well, I understand the first three or four times it can smart a little, after that it should slip right on in without any bother. On a serious note, well worth getting it over with don't leave it too late otherwise believe me it can be a LOT worse! All the best |
| Mayboy 16.01.2006 07:38 |
LOL that post definately helped my afternoon at college Best of luck with it all dear Flashy im sure it will be over as soon as u know it ;-) All the best |
| Lisser 16.01.2006 09:20 |
Get well wishes from Lisser!!!! :) |
| .DeaconJohn. 16.01.2006 09:26 |
Hard luck Flashy. Sounds like a right pain in the arse. |
| Queenleaf 16.01.2006 13:06 |
Nathan! I never see you on msn anymore! *kisses* |
| Flashman 17.01.2006 07:58 |
Many thanks for the countless e-mails, PMs and good wishes from all the thousands of Flash fans out there. Naturally, I have been far too busy to read any of them, but Hudson assures me they were all suitably moving, if a little light in the monetary donations department. Appointment card arrived yesterday - I'm booked in for the end of April, so there's plenty of time yet for me to worry myself stupid. I have decided to turn up for the gig half-sluiced on brandy. That way I'll be too drunk to care much - but should still retain some ability to fight back if necessary. They ain't rummaging around my chocolate starbox without a struggle! Christ, it's no way to earn a living, isn't that. |
| Togg 17.01.2006 09:31 |
Arrh good that will give them plenty of time to warm up the probe that goes in first! |
| Sir Archie Leach 17.01.2006 14:45 |
I was talking to old Beecham-Smythe at the Reform Club Flashy and he swears its like having a brick thrust up your arse. He also believes the doctors like to thrust a finger or five up there as a thrill. Couldn't sit down for a month due to the excruiating pain. Anyway all the best old bean! |
| That guy who digs energy domes 17.01.2006 14:48 |
I had ear problems the first 14 years of my life and I had a camera inside my head several times. It was neat to watch the TV and see what my ear was like but it hurt like hell when they gave me the skin graph to cover my eardrum. Then, I had to wear a huge gauze thing on my head for a day and I wasnt allowed to do anything athletic for 45 days and it SUCKED! |
| Forever88 17.01.2006 22:37 |
-Luke_Taylor- wrote: Lol sick, eewww, i feel sorry for ya, but glad its not me, but im sure you could handle it i mean if a gay has a dick up his arse for fun lol, u might like it could be an experience for yaYes but a dick is softer and pliable and doesnt go so deep, believe me, id know. |
| jcrawford79 17.01.2006 22:43 |
What's become of this place..... |
| carboengine 18.01.2006 04:23 |
Flashman wrote: Many thanks for the countless e-mails, PMs and good wishes from all the thousands of Flash fans out there. Naturally, I have been far too busy to read any of them, but Hudson assures me they were all suitably moving, if a little light in the monetary donations department. Appointment card arrived yesterday - I'm booked in for the end of April, so there's plenty of time yet for me to worry myself stupid. I have decided to turn up for the gig half-sluiced on brandy. That way I'll be too drunk to care much - but should still retain some ability to fight back if necessary. They ain't rummaging around my chocolate starbox without a struggle! Christ, it's no way to earn a living, isn't that.Gosh, April is a long way off. I am a big fan of homeopathic medicine, and I know there are a lot of homeopathic practitioners in the U.K. I have read numerous times that the Royal Family consults with homeopaths, and they certainly are a healthy lot! Do look into it - a well-prescribed remedy could hopefully work its cure and thus make the camera procedure unnecessary. |
| Togg 18.01.2006 04:43 |
I still say he should have it done, it could be one of those life changing moments! |
| FriedChicken 18.01.2006 06:42 |
I think Flashy is afraid that he might like it |
| Togg 18.01.2006 07:54 |
True Barry, the camera is indeed very small, however it's the film crew that go in after it that smarts a little. |
| That guy who digs energy domes 18.01.2006 08:45 |
Forever88<h6>glah glah glah</h6> wrote:*cough**gag*cough**vomit*-Luke_Taylor- wrote: Lol sick, eewww, i feel sorry for ya, but glad its not me, but im sure you could handle it i mean if a gay has a dick up his arse for fun lol, u might like it could be an experience for yaYes but a dick is softer and pliable and doesnt go so deep, believe me, id know. |
| Flashman 01.02.2006 06:06 |
Save me! My appointment has been brought forward to February 10th! I'm doomed! Doomed, I tell yer! Isn't there anyone out there willing to stand in for me? I'll be your bestest pal - I'm on my knees pleading here, rot you! Oh God, why must you forsake me in my hour of direst need, you bastard? Please let me be alright, just this once - and I promise from this day forward to never take your name in vain again, or be cruel to those less fortunate than myself. I might go off the rails a bit now and again, when in drink for instance, which can't be helped surely, but I really will try. Honest, I will! *Curls into ball and sobs uncontrollably, pausing occasionally to shake fist to the heavens* |
| Togg 01.02.2006 07:04 |
Never mind Flashy, you know what they say 'never put off' and all that, you might however want to practice a little first, for the pain you understand. Try singing We are the Champions while a friend runs at you from behind with a broomstick. I gather that was the inspiration for several of Eltons early hits! |
| Togg 01.02.2006 07:34 |
I saw that Barry, amazing how the hell did it get online? |
| Flashman 01.02.2006 08:07 |
This is all Blair's fault - him and his kind! Bloody NHS! If he'd have had anything about him, this would have been spotted years ago and sorted out with a few tablets and a lollipop. They're all bloody useless, don't you see? Forgive me, I ain't myself. It's these drugs I'm taking - they put me on edge all the time. I'll just have to stop smoking it, I suppose. This damned government! If only they'd spent a few quid on healthcare instead of frittering it all away on support groups for pigging lesbians. I haven't paid my taxes all these years just for Sandy bloody Toksvig to feel comfortable with herself, hang it all! It's the end for me, I know it is! I can't abide pain, y'see. Dishing it out's different, of course. It's all coming back to haunt me, ain't it? Time for Flashy's comeupance, and not before time, you're all thinking, blast you. If I get there and the sawbones in charge has got hands like shovels, I swear I'll swing for one of you lot! Goodbye, cruel world! |
| -fatty- 2850 01.02.2006 08:41 |
I too have suffered the indignity of having a camera shoved up my Nat King Cole. That in itself was painful enough but what still worries me is that the doctor seemed able to operate the camera with both hands on my shoulders. Hang on a bleeding minute....... fatty. |
| FLASH_GORDON 01.02.2006 08:44 |
WHO HERE HAS CULITUS?PARDON THE SPELLING |
| Togg 01.02.2006 11:24 |
Poor old Flashy, well you can take some comfort in knowing that when my father had a similar experience a good number of years ago, not only did they send a camera in there, they also needed a tripod! Things are a little smaller these day, still that will bethe least of your worries, if they find something, someone will have to go in after it... |
| Flashman 01.02.2006 16:30 |
They'd better use summat, or I'll break the fucker's legs. Here's fun - can you come up with some song titles to suit my situation? I've a few to start you off:- Another One Bites The Pillow Ring Of Fire Arselona I can laugh at myself y'know. But if I hear one more snigger from you lot - I'll post you my stool culture. |
| Sir Archie Leach 01.02.2006 17:54 |
You can't beat a nice cup of tea after a camera up the arse. |
| Flashman 02.02.2006 03:19 |
The Shite Comes Down Seven Shades Of Rhye My Hairy Ring Sheer Fart Attack Shite From The Inside It's good that at least one of us tries to keep this Forum high-brow. |
| Togg 02.02.2006 04:25 |
Jeeeeeesus! Driven by poo Tear it up! ooh A splinters tale and my old favourite non queen epic 'Brown girl in the ring' |
| Flashman 02.02.2006 04:38 |
One for the aficionados amongst you: The Ring (The Sigmoidoscopic Reduction Of Flash) |
| Flashman 02.02.2006 07:39 |
194 hours and 21 minutes.... For all you who are holding a vigil, lighting candles, etc. - 3pm Friday 10th is the exact time my eyes will be as big as saucers. Stain Power, by the way. |
| scallyuk 02.02.2006 08:20 |
Flashy , While I don't envy you one jot you should remember there's always money to be made out of mucky videos. There's got to be someone out there who'll pay good money to see this. Ask them for a copy and stick it on e-bay. When it's a trade between embarassment and hard cash , cash wins eveytime. |
| Munchsack 02.02.2006 16:33 |
I think I've still got one up my arse. JOKING OVER Good luck, Flashman. |
| deleted user 03.02.2006 23:08 |
The Buttman. I own that movie. Twice. Cheers. Mr. Tampon Tea. |
| Munchsack 04.02.2006 05:35 |
One camera. At least, I hope it's just one. |
| That guy who digs energy domes 05.02.2006 22:36 |
<font color=blk>Sasha<font color=red>38 wrote:Say what you will dear but how is your alcoholic college boyfriend who lives 4000 miles away?Queen Of Wrestling<h6>Jamie's Slave</h6> wrote: I had ear problems the first 14 years of my life and I had a camera inside my head several times.The major difference? Room between your ears = <---------------------------------------------> Room between Flashy's cheeks = * Get it? |
| Forever88 06.02.2006 16:15 |
<font color=blk>Sasha<font color=red>38 wrote: Here you go Flashy...at least based on this joke you can be sure you are not ugly... *You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist, and he sticks his finger in your mouth* LOL :)haha sorry this is completely irrelevant but love your signature! |
| Crazy LittleThing 10.02.2006 02:35 |
Flashman wrote: Save me! My appointment has been brought forward to February 10th! I'm doomed! Doomed, I tell yer! Isn't there anyone out there willing to stand in for me? I'll be your bestest pal - I'm on my knees pleading here, rot you! Oh God, why must you forsake me in my hour of direst need, you bastard? Please let me be alright, just this once - and I promise from this day forward to never take your name in vain again, or be cruel to those less fortunate than myself. I might go off the rails a bit now and again, when in drink for instance, which can't be helped surely, but I really will try. Honest, I will! *Curls into ball and sobs uncontrollably, pausing occasionally to shake fist to the heavens*For the record: Today is February 10. I'm guessing the video will be available on the QZ Tracker, RapidShare, and Dimeadozen shortly, and Trancer will put it up for sale on eBay within 48 hours. Good luck Flashy. Watch your back. Perhaps earplugs might help drown out the gleeful laughter of Sir Archie who is still smarting from the last time you routed him at tennis. |
| Crazy LittleThing 10.02.2006 02:35 |
What double post? |