Dropped my guts in public today and it was worse than cattle's business. I kid you not - it could have come from the Devil's own arse, that bastard - the air was so thick you could see it.
Now, I wasn't dragged up, well, not much. I've made the best of my life considering my father's doolally and my mother's long since dead, rot her. But one thing I try not to do is fart in polite company.
Fair enough in front of your pals after a few quaffs - you can make a game of it. 'Name That Tune' being the pick of 'em.
But one thing I would never normally do, unless taken by illness or perhaps great rage, is let one rip when there's folk getting about their daily business. It's not big and it's not clever.
So, I checked my surroundings, spotted a quiet corner where probably nobody has strayed since the late Jurassic and shuffled over, attempting to make walking from the knees down appear the most normal thing imaginable.
Just arrived in the nick of time, had a final quick glance to check the coast was clear, grabbed a drainpipe for leverage, and let loose. It was fabulous! Like giving birth to a brown Angel - sheer bliss.
Bloody typical - I didn't have time to even sniff the air to guess the vintage when a young lady marched straight over and enquired of the time.
Well, I think that's what she was enquiring. What she actually said was 'Excuse me, have you got the ohforfuckssakeyoudirtybastard', before spinning on her heels and charging away wafting one arm theatrically about and holding her snout with t'other.
A cracking piece she was as well. I'd have given her wind from t'other end in different circumstances, given half a chance. But I've blown it now. Literally!
Bloody people. They shouldn't be allowed out, half of 'em.
Don't you agree that they should all be shot? At least for a bit? Okay, just the French then?
And the Turks, of course.
Barry © wrote: Flashy, the only way i have found to let off a huge fart and to be able not make it smell to high heaven is to light it. They give off a blue and purple coloured flame. Only thing is you have to watch your fingers don't get burnt.
Or your butt hair!! Not that I've ever lit my ass on fire but my brother and his friends used to do it all the time and my brother caught his butt hairs on fire. It was hilarious but the smell of burnt hair mixed with an already rancid fart tops the cake.
My Mum is pretty lethal in the trouser trumpet department, the range of tone she can achieve is legendary. When she is out of hospital and fully recovered we are hoping to get her back into the studio to do a follow up to her debut album 'Sounds of the Serengeti' ;-)
Will know more on Tuesday, Barry. Docs will operate on Monday to remove as much of the tumour from the brain as they can and it will be another 10 days before they know for sure whether it's malignant or benign.
A bit pissed off that it has taken nearly 2 weeks to diagnose this, originally they thought it was just a mild stroke.
I am back down to London tomorrow morning.