OgreBattleField1980 29.05.2005 19:04 |
Just thought id say Hi to ya .. always enjoy your posts . I also wondered this ... do i ever annoy you like others who post here?I dont post that often but lately i have ... when i have time i try to. Sincerely Ronnie J |
Lester Burnham 29.05.2005 23:11 |
Dear Ronnie, I got your letter today. It was a very well written letter, and you should be proud of yourself. Maybe hang it on the fridge, if you want. To answer your question, no you do not piss me off in any way. This may be because of your inactivity of posting, or just that I don't find you all that annoying. Either way, you're a good poster with several good things to say. In fact, because I'm sure everybody values my opinion so greatly, there is nobody on this board that pisses me off - well, not anymore, now that The Three Stooges have been banned. Well, I suppose I should be wrapping this up right about now, but thanks for listening and keep it sloppy. Yours, Lester Burnham |
iGSM 30.05.2005 07:05 |
Dear Lester, Will you be my valentine? Love, Dr Peg. |
Sonia Doris 30.05.2005 09:38 |
hm... *takes note* indeed hm... |
Lester Burnham 30.05.2005 09:55 |
Dear Dr. Peg, We have received your letter and a representative/correspondant from our offices will respond to you shortly. In the meantime, please enjoy any of our other corporate-sponsored products. All the best, Lester Burnham, Inc. |
iGSM 30.05.2005 10:15 |
LIKE CHEESE?!! Dr. Peg loooooooooves cheese..or gump. |
deleted user 30.05.2005 10:26 |
I think Lester arse is now all clean. |
OgreBattleField1980 30.05.2005 10:34 |
Lester Burnham wrote: Dear Ronnie, I got your letter today. It was a very well written letter, and you should be proud of yourself. Maybe hang it on the fridge, if you want. To answer your question, no you do not piss me off in any way. This may be because of your inactivity of posting, or just that I don't find you all that annoying. Either way, you're a good poster with several good things to say. In fact, because I'm sure everybody values my opinion so greatly, there is nobody on this board that pisses me off - well, not anymore, now that The Three Stooges have been banned. Well, I suppose I should be wrapping this up right about now, but thanks for listening and keep it sloppy. Yours, Lester Burnhamlmfao my , thanks .. just a fan "May I have your autograph" lolol |
Lester Burnham 30.05.2005 10:40 |
The Lord Of Darkness wrote: I think Lester arse is now all clean.Wow, talk about unnecessary and just downright creepy. |
iGSM 30.05.2005 10:44 |
Lester! Ha! Get it..I'm sa..ah, shaddup. *walks away* |
Lisser 30.05.2005 15:12 |
Dear Lester, I have this problem. Can you help me with it? I see dead people. Respectfully, Lisser |
Lester Burnham 30.05.2005 18:04 |
Dear Lisser, You won't believe this, but I got a letter from a dead person who said she sees Lissers. I wasn't quite sure what that person meant, but now it's starting to make sense. To assist with your problem, I have enclosed a book titled "What To Do When You See Dead People" by yours truly. I think it will benefit you greatly. Take two aspirin and call me anytime. Yours, Lester |
deleted user 30.05.2005 18:19 |
Dear Lester Why am i cursed with such bad luck and when am i due to leave this place called earth? like date, time etc? Cheers Begg |
iGSM 30.05.2005 20:36 |
That's the worst book I've ever read! |
Lester Burnham 30.05.2005 20:47 |
taylorgaga, Unfortunately, it looks like your bad luck has reigned once again and you aren't due to check out of mortality - ever. That's right, you will live forever, as the song goes, and even when the universe has imploded, you will aimlessly float around nothingness for all eternity. A thousand apologies. Keep it sassy, Tallahassee. Lester |
iGSM 30.05.2005 20:51 |
That's the worst prediction of fate I've ever read! |
Lester Burnham 30.05.2005 20:53 |
I don't see you coming up with anything better. |
iGSM 30.05.2005 20:59 |
I wrote my thesis on it! |
BEF 31.05.2005 16:41 |
|
The Real Wizard 01.06.2005 01:40 |
Lester, I think I'm a lesbian. What would you do with/to me if it were true? Sincerely, Bob |
OgreBattleField1980 02.06.2005 01:06 |
Golly , im loving this thread ... lol Lester YOU ARE THA MAN! |
Lester Burnham 02.06.2005 09:17 |
EvilTwin, You should remember that the people across the hall are still people, and it is unfair for you to judge, whether they're Portugese, Lebanese, or from Greenwich Village, New York City. Perhaps they're very good friends? Having just taken a look on Google at a few Lebanese women, I only have one request for you: befriend them immediately and bring a camcorder, for the love of God! Time for a cold shower. Yours, Lester |
Lester Burnham 02.06.2005 09:19 |
Bob, I'm sorry, it's a little difficult for me to type now, what with the shower running and all, but if you were a lesbian, I'd probably administer shock therapy while weeping uncontrollably, then give up and learn to accept you for who you are. The next natural step, of course, would be to invite you and several of your Lebanese friends over to my place for the weekend and partake in several activities, most of which cannot be mentioned on this board. Looks like the cold shower isn't working. Time for drastic measures. MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY! MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY!!! Painfully yours, Lester |
Fenderek 02.06.2005 09:57 |
Dear Lester, 25 years ago I found out I'm Polish. What can I do about it? I hope it's not contagious... Regards Tom |
Lisser 02.06.2005 10:10 |
Dearest Lester, I took the two aspirin, now I see Lebanese women all the time. What do I do now???? Indirectly Yours, Lisser |
Lester Burnham 02.06.2005 10:17 |
Fenderek, Your name is Tom? That doesn't sound very Polish to me. I'm beginning to think that you may be yanking my chain, or kielbasa, as they say in Poland. That's the only Polish word I know, and I'm fairly certain it's not that Polish. In regards to your situation, I can only say that I'm very sorry. Being Polish is not fun, and the only thing you can do is to quarrantine yourself to the island of Poles, somewhere in the deep Pacific. I'm not sure of the location, but I think it's 35 degrees latitude, 84 degrees longitude. Tell them that Alan Alda sent you - that should speed up the process. Patriotically yours, Lester |
Lester Burnham 02.06.2005 10:19 |
Lisser, You obviously forgot to call me anytime. That was a pretty vital step in the prescription process, and my orders should not be altered in any way. However, I am willing to forgive you as long as you and some of your Lebanese friends come over to my place and bring some whipped cream. Oh, and leather. Leather is always good. So much for that cold shower. Is it hot in here? Oh my. - Lester |
Lisser 02.06.2005 10:22 |
Dearest Lester, How could I have forgotten to phone you? I should be punished. Lisser |
iGSM 02.06.2005 10:23 |
Lester, I am half beetle. What do I do? iGSM? |
Lester Burnham 02.06.2005 10:25 |
Lisser, It's quite alright, as I do not have a phone. Just a minor oversight on my part, but it might have been a vital piece of information for you. Probably should have mentioned that. However, if you wish to be punished, I'm sure we can come to some sort of, ahem, 'agreement'. - Sugar Daddy |
Lester Burnham 02.06.2005 10:27 |
iGSM, Can't you see I'm busy here? Ahh, I suppose I'll answer your question anyway. It all depends on which Beatle. Personally, I would be proud to be any of them, but if you were John or George, then you'd have a slight problem as you'd be half-dead. This will not do. What's that? Oh, beetle? Hmm. Call an exterminator? Or embrace your beetleish ways and enjoy all that being a beetle has to offer. Snake! - Lester |
Fenderek 02.06.2005 10:28 |
Dear Lester, They didn't let me in. They just pointed out at the sign "Lebanese Only". (apparently Alan Alda is Lebanese as well) What do I do now? Can I become a Lebanese? Wouldn't it sort out the problem? I don' think you can be Lebanese and Polish at the same time... With regards Tom |
Lester Burnham 02.06.2005 10:31 |
Tom, With all this talk of Lebanese lately, I've decided to become an ordained Lebaneser. This means, through a rigorous process, you can become Lebanese with my 32-step Program, "Lester's Guide to the Lebanese". With three easy payments of $245.99, American currency only (none of that crazy Polish stuff, whatever it's called), in six to eight months you too can become Lebanese! And let me tell you, if you become an ordained Lebaneser, the amount of Lebanese that surround you is insanely worth it. I mean, if all of them look like Lisser, how can you possibly refuse! Yours, Lester |
iGSM 02.06.2005 10:41 |
Thanks muchly LB. I'm cured *eats feces* Oh, about that.. I developed a habit for it in Spain. |
Fenderek 02.06.2005 10:41 |
Dear Lester Is the shipment of $245.99 worth kielbasa all right? Cheers, Tom PS Is the fact that I don't look as good as Lisser a drawback...? Can an ordinary looking person become a Lebanese...? And what if I start to see dead people? |
Sonia Doris 02.06.2005 10:50 |
Dear Lester, My cat doesnt find my guinea pig attractive any more... What do I have to do? Btw... Can I borrow a Lebanese woman? Yours trully, Sonia |
Lisser 02.06.2005 10:58 |
<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dear Lester, My cat doesnt find my guinea pig attractive any more... What do I have to do? Btw... Can I borrow a Lebanese woman? Yours trully, SoniaI am for rent Sonia. We are Lebanese if pleaaaaaaase. We are Lebanese if you don't please. Meow. |
Sonia Doris 02.06.2005 11:03 |
Lisser wrote:meooow. ah yeah!!!<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dear Lester, My cat doesnt find my guinea pig attractive any more... What do I have to do? Btw... Can I borrow a Lebanese woman? Yours trully, SoniaI am for rent Sonia. We are Lebanese if pleaaaaaaase. We are Lebanese if you don't please. Meow. (how much is the rent?) |
Sonia Doris 02.06.2005 11:08 |
i could use some vietnamese therapy... |
OgreBattleField1980 02.06.2005 23:31 |
Sonia , are you crazy lil thing called Sonia .. if not either way I shall say Hi ! |
_amadeus_ 03.06.2005 01:00 |
Dear all of you, Stop writin' letters! From, _amadeus_ |
iGSM 03.06.2005 01:03 |
No, I don't think we'll be doing _that_. Ta. |
Lester Burnham 03.06.2005 01:39 |
Dear amadeus, I don't recall anybody asking you. Plus, stop it with all the smileys, it's just stupid now. - Lester P.S. I forgot what everybody else wrote, but I'll get to your letters eventually. |
deleted user 03.06.2005 08:44 |
Dear Lester, This 3 year old boy at the daycare in which I work keeps coping feels with me. What do I do??? All coped out, Miss James |
Lisser 03.06.2005 09:04 |
_amadeus_ wrote: Dear all of you, Stop writin' letters! From, _amadeus_Dear Amadeus, Go play in traffic. Dear Sonia, I'll take whatever you got! ;) Dear Lester, I forgot what I wanted to say to. In Jeopardy, Lisser |
iGSM 03.06.2005 09:41 |
Dear Eric. I am a spoon. Jealous? SO DIE |
Sonia Doris 03.06.2005 14:35 |
<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote:can i watch? :Pthe_hero wrote:Lol!!!!!!!!!<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: Hi Lester My belly hurts 'cuz I ate too much vbananas with chocolate syrup... what do I do then???? Sincerily yours Marial-BI'll take this one if you don't mind Lester... *rubs MarialVy's belly... mmm :P |
deleted user 03.06.2005 14:39 |
the_hero wrote: In fact I want to be grapefruit's spoon.. unless she uses it for purposes I don´t want to find out....At this moment.. only god knows what you are thinking about. |
Sonia Doris 03.06.2005 15:18 |
<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote:and???<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote:It's G-Rated<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote:can i watch? :Pthe_hero wrote:Lol!!!!!!!!!<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: Hi Lester My belly hurts 'cuz I ate too much vbananas with chocolate syrup... what do I do then???? Sincerily yours Marial-BI'll take this one if you don't mind Lester... *rubs MarialVy's belly... mmm :P |
Sonia Doris 03.06.2005 15:45 |
<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote:good good<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote:Sure silly<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote:and???<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote:It's G-Rated<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote:can i watch? :Pthe_hero wrote:Lol!!!!!!!!!<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: Hi Lester My belly hurts 'cuz I ate too much vbananas with chocolate syrup... what do I do then???? Sincerily yours Marial-BI'll take this one if you don't mind Lester... *rubs MarialVy's belly... mmm :P *gets recorder* all ready now ^_^ |
Sonia Doris 03.06.2005 15:59 |
<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: If you record it... you have to give me the rights50% - 50%? |
Sonia Doris 03.06.2005 16:39 |
<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: Well 33.33% to each one, okay???noooooooooooooo! 50% to me 25% to each one of u! |
OgreBattleField1980 03.06.2005 16:48 |
omg what have i done! lmfao |
OgreBattleField1980 03.06.2005 17:00 |
indeed i must have ...all because i wanted to speak with lester ... sheesh lol |
Sonia Doris 04.06.2005 04:28 |
the_hero wrote:yes, i know... isnt it great?<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote:Selfish b*tch :P<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: Well 33.33% to each one, okay???noooooooooooooo! 50% to me 25% to each one of u! |
iGSM 04.06.2005 11:34 |
Lester is quite the ladies man. Not that he has lots of ladies but when a topic becomes 'hot' he abandons it. I remember when he killed me for my flesh. I cursed that day for minutes at a time. He raped me and made fun of my village (it was called Arse). Bastar. D is coming in a new upgrade. God, I should stay off the alcohol. |
Lester Burnham 05.06.2005 17:17 |
Dear all, I have returned. I will address your letters in the order in which they were received. But first, I will have some... alone time with myself, as I have been sitting in a car for the past seven hours. Painfully, Lester |
Lester Burnham 05.06.2005 23:34 |
Let's see here...
<font color=purple>Miss James wrote: Dear Lester, This 3 year old boy at the daycare in which I work keeps coping feels with me. What do I do??? All coped out, Miss JamesMiss James, So good to hear from you! Well, the three year old boy is obviously a pick-pocketer. What you classify as coping a feel he classifies as a diversion as he steals your wallet from your pocket. Nevermind that you don't keep your wallet in your pocket; he doesn't know that. He's just trying to formulate a plan to use in later years. Either that, or he thinks you're attractive. I'd go with that one, as it seems far more plausible, but if you want to believe the malarkey I fed you in my first paragraph, I wrote a book about it: "Young Boys And Their Wandering Hands". Yours, Lester Fenderek wrote: Dear Lester Is the shipment of $245.99 worth kielbasa all right? Cheers, Tom PS Is the fact that I don't look as good as Lisser a drawback...? Can an ordinary looking person become a Lebanese...? And what if I start to see dead people?Tom, I'm still finding it hard to believe that your name is Tom. Then again, if you believe my name is Lester, then I have something implausible to sell you. Speaking of selling things, I will reluctantly accept the kielbasa as a payment. And just because you're not as good looking as Lisser (who is, really?), doesn't mean you can't be a Lebanese. If you start to see dead people, engage in conversation with them. They can be really interesting if you just take the time to chat. - Lester <font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dear Lester, My cat doesnt find my guinea pig attractive any more... What do I have to do? Btw... Can I borrow a Lebanese woman? Yours trully, SoniaSonia, Your cat is probably suffering from aoxomoxaitis, which has yet to be defined by any kind of medical-sounding person, but roughly translates to the appreciation of The Grateful Dead. It is a very difficult "itis" to cure, as your cat will undoubtedly now be stoned off its gourd from now to eternity. The liberal use of marijuana will now cause your cat to become lackadasical and find things generally boring while listening to annoyingly slow jam rock and improvisations. While we're on that subject, have your cat send me some weed and I will gladly send you as many Lebanese women you want. Soberly yours, Lester |
Lester Burnham 05.06.2005 23:41 |
iGSM wrote: Dear Eric. I am a spoon. Jealous? SO DIEDear Pete Townshend, Please record another album. Thank you. - Lester <font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: Hi Lester My belly hurts 'cuz I ate too much vbananas with chocolate syrup... what do I do then???? Sincerily yours Marial-BDear Maria, Well, obviously that Dutch wonder Thijs has beaten me to it, but I think you should know that he, in no way, shape, or form, represents my opinions or remedies, nor is he affiliated with my way of thinking or Lestco Inc. Refunds and complaints can be handled by anyone but me, as I am too fragile emotionally and cannot handle criticism all that well. - Lester EvilTwin wrote: Hmmm, If Lester were here I think he would tell all of you people who think you are or want to be spoons, that perhaps all you need is a nice soak in a cup of hot tea. Now on to my problems. Dear Lester, I keep having this uncontrollable urge to type piss off wanker, piss off wanker, piss off wanker, over and over again.....wait, No I'm cured of that. But I still don't know what to do about all the sex, violence, language, and nudity on my VCR.Dear EvilTwin, You obviously misinterpret my penchant for hot tea. I actually can't stand the stuff, and wouldn't wish anyone to float in it as that is probably the worst punishment imaginable. Of course, nobody has wronged me quite yet, but if someone should... well, best get your two sugars and cream ready, eh! Your problem, as I see it, has to do with the confusion over the meaning of "piss off". Americanly, it means to "irritate", while in Britishish it is to mean "fuck off". You are obviously thinking of the other definition - "piss" as in "urinating" - and have punctuated your sentence poorly. Generously, I have altered it for you; it should read, "piss, off wank. er?" Because this is the case, I can only offer you grammar lessons and a confused "what the fuck". In regards to the sex, violence, language, and nudity on your VCR, you may want to eject your amateurly-made wedding night video and turn on something more wholesome. - Lester |
Sonia Doris 06.06.2005 04:39 |
Dear Lester, I am very thankful for the diagnosis u gave to my cat. I will now be able to solve his problems. About the weed, how much do you want? Yours trully, Sonia |
Fenderek 06.06.2005 08:32 |
Lester Burnham wrote: Tom, I'm still finding it hard to believe that your name is Tom. Then again, if you believe my name is Lester, then I have something implausible to sell you. Speaking of selling things, I will reluctantly accept the kielbasa as a payment. And just because you're not as good looking as Lisser (who is, really?), doesn't mean you can't be a Lebanese. If you start to see dead people, engage in conversation with them. They can be really interesting if you just take the time to chat. - LesterDear Lester, I followed your instructions and engaged in conversation with dead people I see (yes- it did happen when I became a Lebanese- is it common?). Anyway- they told me your name is not Lester... However, I have to say they are really boring- the whole converstaion was up to me really, they just nodded. I tried with the party tricks but they still seemed bored... Or was it becuse they weren't Lebanese and didn't understand the word I was saying...? Anyway- I would like to assure you my name IS Tom, although to be perfectly honest- that's the translation. I won't give up the polish version as it just sounds silly. There's just one question I would like to ask- why am I writing those letters...? Is it an addiction? Yours confused Tom PS The second shipment of kielbasa is on the way. |
deleted user 06.06.2005 09:26 |
Dear Lester, I just ordered your book and will be greatly enlightened on the world of pick-pocketting as soon as it arrives. Gratefully, Miss James |
iGSM 06.06.2005 09:41 |
Dear Lester, What is the speed of sound divided by a whale? Love, iGSM? |
OgreBattleField1980 07.06.2005 01:07 |
Lester , I think you are becomming the new Dr. Phil , lmfao. |
The Real Wizard 15.06.2005 00:26 |
Fenderek wrote: Dear Lester, 25 years ago I found out I'm Polish. What can I do about it? I hope it's not contagious... Regards TomGreatest post ever. (I forgot about this topic..!!!) Lester and Tom... you guys are hilarious! |
OgreBattleField1980 15.06.2005 08:56 |
ya im dying laughing every time i read it too ... |
Lester Burnham 15.06.2005 09:34 |
Oh right. Er, I'd forgotten all about this. How embarrassing.
Fenderek wrote: Dear Lester, I followed your instructions and engaged in conversation with dead people I see (yes- it did happen when I became a Lebanese- is it common?). Anyway- they told me your name is not Lester... However, I have to say they are really boring- the whole converstaion was up to me really, they just nodded. I tried with the party tricks but they still seemed bored... Or was it becuse they weren't Lebanese and didn't understand the word I was saying...? Anyway- I would like to assure you my name IS Tom, although to be perfectly honest- that's the translation. I won't give up the polish version as it just sounds silly. There's just one question I would like to ask- why am I writing those letters...? Is it an addiction? Yours confused Tom PS The second shipment of kielbasa is on the way.Tom, I have received the second shipment of kielbasa, and I must say that it's delicious. I have used it to augment all sorts of meals - salads, cereal, oatmeal, soup... it's stunning, really. You ship a good kielbasa. Incidentally, that's the reason that the Lebanese aren't talking to you, because even though you may have converted to their way of thinking, they still know that you are not one of them. I apologize for not telling you this sooner, but there's really not a lot you can do to rectify this situation. Unless you give them a nice patch of carpet - for some reason, and in my experience (many years of which there are), this always works. Then they will open up and start talking about things they like. For some reason, I've discovered they love parades. Anyway, best of luck, and keep that kielbasa coming! Yum yum. - Lester iGSM wrote: Dear Lester, What is the speed of sound divided by a whale? Love, iGSM?iGSM, You know the answer. It lies within you. All you need to do is look down deep into your soul and discover the truth. Once you do that, you can live harmoniously with yourself and learn how to cook a good meal while doing it. Failing that, the answer is the sine of boysenberry pie over the root of John Entwistle. - Dr. Les P.S. How's that for inspirational? |
Lester Burnham 15.06.2005 11:10 |
the_hero wrote: Dear Lester, talking about inspiritation, there is not much more left in me. What can I do Oh you randomness and wise Lester?the_hero, As I do not want to botch your name, I have resorted to calling you "the_hero". I'm fairly certain it is Thijs, but my mind has honestly become swiss cheese. Impossible to remember even the slightest... err... Anyway, I have looked at your charts, and you can rest assured that there is plenty left in you. In no specific order - and this is off the top of my head - I noticed a stomach, heart, pair of lungs, and about thirty feet of small and large intestine. I think there was more, but there was really a lot of arteries and veins blocking the view. According to approximations, this stuff will stay in you for at least another forty to fifty years. And, if all else fails, a nice stiff drink does wonders. I recommend a double Jack Daniels on the rocks. - Lester |
OgreBattleField1980 16.06.2005 09:59 |
which character are you Marial? |
iGSM 16.06.2005 10:22 |
Are we talking Ox with sideburns or full beard Ox? |
OgreBattleField1980 16.06.2005 17:55 |
Yourself , in mortal kombat ... thats interesting ... i used to dream about playing inside of a john madden football game ... but never that dramatic |
The Real Wizard 17.06.2005 12:48 |
MK: Kabal is the man. |
Fenderek 28.10.2005 11:14 |
It's nioce to dig out some classics :) |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 11:27 |
Haha, this was a good time. I especially liked the part where I *falls asleep* |
Lisser 28.10.2005 12:21 |
Dear Lester, I've fallen and I can't get up. What do I do now? Will you buy me a hawt dawg? |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 12:25 |
Lisser wrote: Dear Lester, I've fallen and I can't get up. What do I do now? Will you buy me a hawt dawg?Lisser, There are many products out there to assist you in situations where you've fallen and find yourself unable to get up. First, for the males, I recommend Viagra; for the ladies, watch any midday local programming station which cater to the elder generation and search for commercials advertising Safe Alert (I believe). Usually, these commercials will start with an old woman at home who falls and finds herself to be a proverbial turtle on the back. She will despair, and then the commercial will cut to another scenario where she has a little remote or something with her at all times. When she falls again, she presses the remote and the police will come for her, undoubtedly throwing her into the slammer for disturbing their coffee break. Safe Alert has guaranteed that they will pay for your first bail, no questions asked. (Note: I am not affiliated any way with Safe Alert.) As to your needs for a hawt dawg, I'm standing right here. Yours, Lester |
Lisser 28.10.2005 12:36 |
Lester, I swear...you are always guaranteed to make me spit my Pepsi out all over my keyboard. I look like such an idiot at work laughing at my monitor!!! :) |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 12:39 |
Good to know I've still got 'it', whatever 'it' is! 8-) |
iGSM 28.10.2005 13:15 |
Herpes. It is herpes. |
OgreBattleField1980 28.10.2005 14:09 |
omg i cant believe this topic sprung back up from the Ash's . Welcome back once more Lester .. hows the weather in pennsylvania by the way? |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 14:18 |
iGSM wrote: Herpes. It is herpes.Dear iGSM, Bone. - Lester OgreBattleField1980 wrote: omg i cant believe this topic sprung back up from the Ash's . Welcome back once more Lester .. hows the weather in pennsylvania by the way?Dearest Ronald, I too am surprised this came out of nowhere. And to think, it all started because of... well, I can't remember why. The weather in PA is... hold on, let me check. Dreary and bubbling just under 50 degrees. Fall is upon us, my friends! - Lester |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 14:39 |
<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: Dear Lester: How should I stop eating a lot??? Cheers Marial-BDear Marial-B, There are many ways to solve this problem. I emailed my friend, Bob "The Bobmonster" Carter, your request. Here is what he responded: "ORIGINAL MESSAGE: from Lester Burnham Shithead, Someone asked me how she could stop eating a lot and, knowing what I know about you, Mr. Cheeseburger, I thought you could help us out. Also, who's providing the keg on Saturday night? Tarheel McGhee or Rainer?" Bob wrote: "Your email has been processed and will be answered in the manner in which it was received. Until then, please visit our website and enjoy all of our other fun and exciting products we have to offer! Thanks for your interest, and we will get back to you as soon as we can." Clearly, Bob has gone batshit here and has no clue what he's talking about. The only reason I can come up with is because he stopped eating so much, which brings us full-circle and puts us into a bit of a Catch-22. I'll take initiative and say that you can send all of your unused foodstuffs to your local charity; say, The Lester Burnham Fund For The Hell Of It, or the iGSM Australian Save-The-Wallaby Foundation. For a full list of charities, please consult someone else. Yours, Lester |
Sonia Doris 28.10.2005 15:28 |
Dear Lester, I'm dreaming Ancient Greek Tragedies. Every night an annoying bird comes and eats my liver... How can I stop that? Oh, about the tape: Mr. Belly Rubber, don't worry, all the earnings of the video will be bewteen us three, and about yourself, you weren't drunk and you didn't show too much skin like on other videos... We do need a sequel though... Your truly, Sonia |
rachael mae. 28.10.2005 15:41 |
Dear Lester, I've never written you a letter before. Yours truly, Rachael |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 15:55 |
<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dear Lester, I'm dreaming Ancient Greek Tragedies. Every night an annoying bird comes and eats my liver... How can I stop that? Oh, about the tape: Mr. Belly Rubber, don't worry, all the earnings of the video will be bewteen us three, and about yourself, you weren't drunk and you didn't show too much skin like on other videos... We do need a sequel though... Your truly, SoniaSonia, I've known many annoying birds in my lifetime, but many of them pick at my wallet. It is truly very frustrating. Oh, you mean actual birds? Like, the animal? Hm. Well, I suppose you could always ask it very kindly not to pick at your liver, because you do need that, or you could always leave out a dummy liver on the side of your bed and hope that it picks at that. While you're at it, send me a book on Greek mythology so I know what you're talking about from now on. Yours, Lester |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 15:56 |
<font color=#CC0066>SomebodyToLoveMe wrote: Dear Lester, I've never written you a letter before. Yours truly, RachaelDear Rachael, After clicking on your profile, I have decided that you should have written me a letter sooner. sup 8-) - Lester |
OgreBattleField1980 28.10.2005 17:32 |
Dear Lester, I said the same thing you said about her profile as well. Very nice indeed . Infact I cant go a day without talkin to her , very kind and sweet she is. Ron |
mrjordy 28.10.2005 19:14 |
Lester, I think I just heard on the news that breast cancer is now contagious AND AIRBORNE! If this is true, what can be done? I am assuming that only you have the answers. Sincerely, Jordan |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 19:26 |
OgreBattleField1980 wrote: Dear Lester, I said the same thing you said about her profile as well. Very nice indeed . Infact I cant go a day without talkin to her , very kind and sweet she is. RonDear Ron, She seems very nice indeed. I will have to add her to my MSN list. And then go on MSN. Fun times! - Lester |
Lester Burnham 28.10.2005 19:32 |
mrjordy wrote: Lester, I think I just heard on the news that breast cancer is now contagious AND AIRBORNE! If this is true, what can be done? I am assuming that only you have the answers. Sincerely, JordanJordan, You bring up an interesting topic, and I appreciate that you assume I am the only one with the answer. To satisfy your need, I sat down with a breast and talked to her, hoping to get a more insider's look into the whole thing. Here is the transcript of that interview: Lester: "So, let me start by thanking you for the interview." Breast: "Not a problem." L: "I suppose you know why we're here today." B: "I do, yes." L: "Well, then. Let's jump right in. Tell me what happened." B: "OK. I was walking down the street, protected by a few layers of cloth - I think one was cotton, and the other was cashmere." L: "Ooh, I love cashmere." B: "Me too. Anyway, I saw something through the layers of clothing, and all of a sudden I was hit with this... thing. I don't know what it was, but it didn't initially hurt or anything. Then... then..." (voice breaks) L: "It's okay, if you would like to..." B: "No, I'm okay. Well, the thing was cancer, and it... it... had its way with me." L: "I'm sorry?" B: "The cancer raped me." L: "Oh." B: "Yeah..." (sobs) L: "Here." (hands a tissue) B: "Thank you. Well, thankfully, I got myself checked out, and was able to prevent anything serious from happening, but others aren't so lucky." L: "How can other breasts be safe from cancer?" B: "They can't be. Sorry to be so grim, but it just can't happen." L: "Well, thank you, Breast. Have a good day." B: "You too." I then proceeded to shake the breast's hand, which she mistook as me copping a feel. And, with any luck, they'll let me out in twenty months, eighteen with good behavior. - Lester |
The Real Wizard 29.10.2005 01:15 |
Lester Burnham wrote: I then proceeded to shake the breast's hand, which she mistook as me copping a feel. And, with any luck, they'll let me out in twenty months, eighteen with good behavior.And the catholic priests are still walking the streets, groping various things. There is no justice. Hmm, once you are free to grope again, I wonder what would happen if you touched a priest's breasts? Oh wait, it's not 2535, so the church doesn't have female priests yet. In fact, by that point, the church has been replaced by various computer-worshipping cults. They have great faith in the power of computers in their age of being born with ESP. In the meantime, maybe you should search for some other objects to feel for the next 18-20 months. I've heard shovels and treasure maps can be useful in jail cells. Most misguided post ever. Time for bed. |
Just You and Me 29.10.2005 08:07 |
dearest lester, i realise that you may never read this because this is a bit of an old topic. it's really quite the same as the closetful of santa letters i have downstairs. i'm a relatively new queenzoner so i am hesitant to ask this question. i feel you are the only one i can go to. you see i'm in france for the year. and people in my town back in iowa still think i'm living in my old house. i call my mother to tell her i made it safe and she freaks out and threatens to call the police. i really don't know what to do. confused, mary |
rachael mae. 29.10.2005 08:27 |
OgreBattleField1980 wrote: Dear Lester, I said the same thing you said about her profile as well. Very nice indeed . Infact I cant go a day without talkin to her , very kind and sweet she is. RonYou're too sweet ;) *hugs* |
rachael mae. 29.10.2005 08:27 |
the_hero wrote: Lester, you truely are amazing... lol*agreed* |
Lester Burnham 29.10.2005 08:46 |
Just You and Me wrote: dearest lester, i realise that you may never read this because this is a bit of an old topic. it's really quite the same as the closetful of santa letters i have downstairs. i'm a relatively new queenzoner so i am hesitant to ask this question. i feel you are the only one i can go to. you see i'm in france for the year. and people in my town back in iowa still think i'm living in my old house. i call my mother to tell her i made it safe and she freaks out and threatens to call the police. i really don't know what to do. confused, maryDear Mary, I am going to run this letter through the Babelfish translator for a hilariously inaccurate French translation. J'ai juste reçu votre lettre d'Iowa quand je me suis rendu compte que vous l'aviez envoyée d'Iowa, France. Y a-t-il vraiment une ville appelée l'Iowa en France ? Ceci peut causer une partie de la confusion. Cependant, il n'y a aucune raison de se ronger, parce que si votre mère appelle la police, vous êtes en France. Je suis sûr que la police de l'Iowa fera très peu, à moins que votre mère appelle la police française, dans ce cas vous êtes inquiété parce que j'ai entendu elles sont le groupe le plus méchant jamais. Si vous vous avérez justement entendre une de ces sirènes ennuyantes pleurant en bas de votre rue, je me cacherais si j'étais vous. All the best, Lester |
iGSM 29.10.2005 10:51 |
< That's not a real fund. *embezzles money* |
Sonia Doris 29.10.2005 11:04 |
Dear Lester, Thank you for the advice with the bird. I tried to defeat it tonite, but it stole my liver. Could u tell me how I could get it back? Sincerely yours, Sonia |
Just You and Me 29.10.2005 11:50 |
dear lester, no idon't think there is a town called iowa in france. it didn't occur to me that i needn't worry about her calling the police. and i don't think she would call the police over here. thanks. yours, mary |
rachael mae. 29.10.2005 16:12 |
Lester Schmester xD |
Lester Burnham 29.10.2005 17:53 |
<font color=#CC0066>SomebodyToLoveMe wrote: Lester Schmester xDHey now, no name calling! Rachael... Schmachael! Yeah! I'll answer letters a little later tonight. Keep 'em coming, if you so desire. |
rachael mae. 30.10.2005 04:28 |
For a second there, I thought you called me Michael Schumacher.... |
OgreBattleField1980 30.10.2005 08:44 |
lmfao @ Michael Schumacher. Howdy again ...ill be quiet now |
rachael mae. 30.10.2005 09:07 |
Howdyyyyyyyyyyyyy :D |
Lester Burnham 30.10.2005 10:08 |
<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dear Lester, Thank you for the advice with the bird. I tried to defeat it tonite, but it stole my liver. Could u tell me how I could get it back? Sincerely yours, SoniaDear Sonia, You must first recite the line of a popular song, written and recorded sometime between 1930 and 1932, while tapdancing on one foot with a sawblade between your teeth (the line you recite must be completely comprehensible). Only then will the bird be so amused that it will die laughing and drop your liver. Yours, Lester |
Lester Burnham 30.10.2005 10:09 |
Just You and Me wrote: dear lester, no idon't think there is a town called iowa in france. it didn't occur to me that i needn't worry about her calling the police. and i don't think she would call the police over here. thanks. yours, maryDear Mary, Anytime. - Lester |
iGSM 30.10.2005 10:26 |
Lester, I talk to this jerk in Pennsylvania who thinks I enjoy his humour and his debonair. Is there anyway I can rid myself of this joker and make a buck off him? |
Lester Burnham 30.10.2005 10:28 |
iGSM wrote: Lester, I talk to this jerk in Pennsylvania who thinks I enjoy his humour and his debonair. Is there anyway I can rid myself of this joker and make a buck off him?iGSM, I would recommend slapping him silly until he's so stunned he gives you his ATM code. Because you're from Australia, I'm going to speak a little slower. I W-O-U-L-D R-E-C-O-M-M-E-N-D S-L-A-P-P-I-N-G H-I-M S-I-L-L-Y U-N-T-I-L H-E-'-S S-O S-T-U-N-N-E-D H-E G-I-V-E-S Y-O-U H-I-S A-T-M C-O-D-E. If you don't know what "ATM" stands for, then there is no hope for you. - Lester |
OgreBattleField1980 30.10.2005 10:40 |
Dearest Lester, Have ya ever thought that this topic has become too old now? Especially the replys ... its starting to be like an Ann Landers or Ask Amy section of a newspaper. Either your the next Dr Phill or someone auditioned you to become part of Dionne Warwicks Psychic Friends hotline. Either way this topics been a bunch of laughs ..and the wierd thing is I started this topic just to say a mere hello to you and to ask if I was annoying. Thanks for everything and making bad day turn good by making me laugh. Ron |
Lester Burnham 30.10.2005 10:43 |
OgreBattleField1980 wrote: Dearest Lester, Have ya ever thought that this topic has become too old now? Especially the replys ... its starting to be like an Ann Landers or Ask Amy section of a newspaper. Either your the next Dr Phill or someone auditioned you to become part of Dionne Warwicks Psychic Friends hotline. Either way this topics been a bunch of laughs ..and the wierd thing is I started this topic just to say a mere hello to you and to ask if I was annoying. Thanks for everything and making bad day turn good by making me laugh. RonDear Ron, Knowing that I'm providing entertainment to the people of Queenzone is reason enough for me to continue answering questions. If I can make at least one person laugh, then I must be doing something right. - Lester |
OgreBattleField1980 30.10.2005 10:47 |
Rightio! For the last year well .. acctually as far back as I can remember in the times ive come to this site even before I was a member here .. your replys and threads have always been a bit interesting .. and almost always funny. Kinda reminds me of the way I am at work. |
iGSM 30.10.2005 10:47 |
Thanks Lester. :) |
Sonia Doris 30.10.2005 20:17 |
Dearest Lester, Thank you for the advice. I will try that tonite. Hopefully the bird won't think of it as a trick and ignore it... Anyways, I miss my liver. I had a very hard time living without it and I entered a deep depression and almost killed myself with a Tic Tac overdose combined with Apple juice. Could u recommend me a nice place where I can get away from this awful addiction? Yours trully, SOnia |
Lester Burnham 31.10.2005 10:20 |
EvilTwin wrote: Dearest Dearest Lester, It is Halloween. If I come to your house what will you put in my bag of goodies? ;)Darling EvilTwin, If you came to my house, I would let you root around in my bag of treats until you found some goodies you liked. -LB |
Lester Burnham 31.10.2005 10:23 |
<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dearest Lester, Thank you for the advice. I will try that tonite. Hopefully the bird won't think of it as a trick and ignore it... Anyways, I miss my liver. I had a very hard time living without it and I entered a deep depression and almost killed myself with a Tic Tac overdose combined with Apple juice. Could u recommend me a nice place where I can get away from this awful addiction? Yours trully, SOniaDear Sonia, You won't believe this, but my father died because of a Tic Tac / Apple Juice overdose, except he was freebasing with peanut butter. It was a terrible addiction, and when I saw what he went through, I vowed to myself to stay away from all breath mints for the rest of my life, regardless of the odor of my breath. I recommend you go to the Certs Clinic and take a walk around, especially in the Welch's Ward, and you will see what your life will come to if you don't kick the habit. Only you can save yourself. - LB |
Fenderek 31.10.2005 10:58 |
Dear Lester! I found life difficult after becoming Lebanesse... Other Lebanesses don't believe me when I tell them I'm one of them and want to get together and it always ends with a slap on the face... Don't know why they consider me a racist or think that I'm taking the piss out of them... I hoped that my life will make sense- I always wanted to be Lebanesse- but I find it diffult to adjust. Is it natural? Does it happen to everybody? Or maybe I'm doing something wrong? Unfortunatelly your book didn't cover that part... One more question- why the hell are they on about the carpet all the time? Is it the main industry in that country? Yours Fenderek |
Lester Burnham 31.10.2005 11:03 |
Fenderek<br><h6>Not a REAL fan</h6> wrote: Dear Lester! I found life difficult after becoming Lebanesse... Other Lebanesses don't believe me when I tell them I'm one of them and want to get together and it always ends with a slap on the face... Don't know why they consider me a racist or think that I'm taking the piss out of them... I hoped that my life will make sense- I always wanted to be Lebanesse- but I find it diffult to adjust. Is it natural? Does it happen to everybody? Or maybe I'm doing something wrong? Unfortunatelly your book didn't cover that part... One more question- why the hell are they on about the carpet all the time? Is it the main industry in that country? Yours FenderekDear Fenderek, I was afraid of this. I should have mentioned that the Lebanese are very particular about their kind and don't take very kindly to converts. Seeing as this topic is nearly five months old, I can't remember if you're a convert or not, but essentially, it's not you - it's them. They're comfortable with who they are, and it will take a lot more than a cursory "I like Lebanese too" comment to make them accept you. As for the carpet, it's just a way of life. You should just sit and watch them sometime, it truly is fascinating stuff. Why they do it? I guess they're just working with what they were given. - LB |
Sonia Doris 31.10.2005 13:55 |
Dear Lester, I've tried that, and a miracle happened: I didn't feel the need to have 10 boxes of Tic Tacs a day... But recently I've discovered that climbing hills on storms with a giant metal pole is fun and energetic. Is it me or somebody is trying to send me a message? Definetely thankful for your advice, Sonia |
Lester Burnham 02.11.2005 14:09 |
<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dear Lester, I've tried that, and a miracle happened: I didn't feel the need to have 10 boxes of Tic Tacs a day... But recently I've discovered that climbing hills on storms with a giant metal pole is fun and energetic. Is it me or somebody is trying to send me a message? Definetely thankful for your advice, SoniaDear Sonia, I'm sorry I didn't get to your message until just now - I hope I'm not too late! I would have to say that you've just discovered an ancient pasttime of Zimbabwe, as they created a game called "Zap The Zim", more or less in the fashion that you described. You're right - it IS fun and energetic, and the Zimbabweans (?!) even discovered they could power entire villages on just one game. Unfortunately, the greedier they got, the less of them there were around, and eventually they all died off - but their villages were all very well-powered! What I would recommend you do is share the experience with someone close to you, as it really is a powerful experience. You could even charge them, if you wanted. - LB |
The Mir@cle 03.11.2005 02:51 |
Lester Burnham wrote: Dear Sonia, I'm sorry I didn't get to your message until just now - I hope I'm not too late! I would have to say that you've just discovered an ancient pasttime of Zimbabwe, as they created a game called "Zap The Zim", more or less in the fashion that you described. You're right - it IS fun and energetic, and the Zimbabweans (?!) even discovered they could power entire villages on just one game. Unfortunately, the greedier they got, the less of them there were around, and eventually they all died off - but their villages were all very well-powered! What I would recommend you do is share the experience with someone close to you, as it really is a powerful experience. You could even charge them, if you wanted. - LBDear Lester, I think you are a great person and you give wonderful advices. You helped my girl a lot! She's doing fine since she got back her liver and faced her Tic Tac addiction. But now she keeps asking me to climb hills with her on storms with giant metal poles. I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm scared to say no. I think I'll be electrocuted anyway. What do I have to do? Yours sincerely, Martijn |
Lester Burnham 02.12.2005 15:25 |
The Mir@cle wrote: Dear Lester, I think you are a great person and you give wonderful advices. You helped my girl a lot! She's doing fine since she got back her liver and faced her Tic Tac addiction. But now she keeps asking me to climb hills with her on storms with giant metal poles. I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm scared to say no. I think I'll be electrocuted anyway. What do I have to do? Yours sincerely, MartijnMartijn, I'm so sorry it took me this long to respond to your question - I hope I'm not too late. Basically, you'll want to include yourself in your girlfriend's activities, even if it includes being electrocuted. I'm not a Casanova of any stretch of the imagination, but one thing I've learned is that you sometimes just need to say yes despite your better judgement. Who knows - you may discover you like being electrocuted. Besides, I'd rather be burned to a crisp than have a woman mad at me. - LB |
Lester Burnham 02.12.2005 15:45 |
That seems to have fucked up the order of posts, but oh well. |
Lester Burnham 02.12.2005 15:50 |
Alex Solan wrote: How do you do Mr. Lester, Two questions: 1. I am too sexy for my own taste, wot can I do to decrease my "sexyness"? 2. What should I wear tonite? 100% cotton or silk undies? Cheers. Mr. Alex Solan.Mr. Alex, Normally, I would say only one question at a time, but I'm not normal, now am I? 1. I have indeed noticed your sexiness, so speaking as a strictly heterosexual (just wanted to scotch those rumors) man (despite what my father says about me), it's best not to decrease your sexiness, but rather use it to your advantage. There's a whole group of us sexy folk who have free cab rides, get free meals, have the doors opened for all of us at all times, and get front-row seats to concerts. These are just a few of the benefits of the Sexy Club - I'm surprised you haven't gotten an application. Email me about it, and I'll have one sent your way. b. I'd go commando, personally. I've been freeballing it since 1987, and I've had no complaints thus far. All the best, Mr. Lester |
The Real Wizard 02.12.2005 23:48 |
Lester Burnham wrote: b. I'd go commando, personally. I've been freeballing it since 1987, and I've had no complaints thus far.lol! Freeballing... Lester, First I have a proud announcement: I have recently discovered certain joys in something which you have found much joy for years. It is a band called The Who. I listened to Quadrophenia for the second time, and the last two tracks especially were sheer musical bliss! Now, here is my problem: Music is no longer an interest, nor is it a hobby, nor is it an obsession. It has become a lifestyle. At the moment I'm 23 and it's lucrative enough, but I often worry about the future. In your infinite wisdom, do you think this could become a career which I could support a family with? Would having to become Lebanese fit into the picture somehow? |
Sonia Doris 04.12.2005 07:53 |
Dear Lester, Thank you again for your kind advices. I have a new problem now. I want to go sleigh riding from high hills, but my problem is there is no snow. Should I go on anyways, in mud and hope it will snow while I go downhill or just go figure skating on the Black Sea? I have to add that I'm not afraid of sharks or polar bears. Looking forward for a lifesaving reply. Yours trully, Sonia |
Lester Burnham 04.12.2005 12:26 |
Sir GH<br><h6>ah yeah</h6> wrote: lol! Freeballing... Lester, First I have a proud announcement: I have recently discovered certain joys in something which you have found much joy for years. It is a band called The Who. I listened to Quadrophenia for the second time, and the last two tracks especially were sheer musical bliss! Now, here is my problem: Music is no longer an interest, nor is it a hobby, nor is it an obsession. It has become a lifestyle. At the moment I'm 23 and it's lucrative enough, but I often worry about the future. In your infinite wisdom, do you think this could become a career which I could support a family with? Would having to become Lebanese fit into the picture somehow?Bob, Welcome to the insanity of being a Who fan. I have, on multiple occasions, something that I like to call a Who-gasm (or Whorgasm, though both terms are trademarked to me, so don't think of stealing them, you bounder), which is essentially an all-day listening party of everything they have released. It is a remarkable experience, and leaves me stunned and shattered, but I highly recommend it. I urge everyone to try it some day. Now, I could gush about the talents of Messrs. Daltrey, Townshend, Entwistle, and Moon all day, but I won't, because I'm a busy man. Anyway, you may not know it, but the Lebanese offer a kind of musician's compensation package, which includes a lifetime acceptance to their society and a devoted following of listeners. For example, check out Melissa Etheridge, k.d. lang, or the whole Lillith Fair gang: the followers of these musicians are extremely devoted and fanatical, and I must say, without even hearing a second of your music, they will accept you as one of their own. You have no need to worry about the future, as long as you're Lebanese. Now, if I may be serious for a moment: I sent you an email a few weeks ago; did you ever get it? Also, if you're interested in some rare Who stuff, let me know - their live shows are far more explosive (sometimes literally) than their albums. Yours, Lester |
Lester Burnham 04.12.2005 12:31 |
<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dear Lester, Thank you again for your kind advices. I have a new problem now. I want to go sleigh riding from high hills, but my problem is there is no snow. Should I go on anyways, in mud and hope it will snow while I go downhill or just go figure skating on the Black Sea? I have to add that I'm not afraid of sharks or polar bears. Looking forward for a lifesaving reply. Yours trully, SoniaSonia, I say go for it, but first, take my patented potion - "Lester's Illusionary Snow Sleigh Elixer Revisited" (the fact that it spells "LISSER" is completely incidental, but it IS trademarked, so Miss Lisser, I'm going to need you to pay me royalties for further use of your name on this board or anywhere else) - and make sure to use my own sleigh, "Lester's Sleigh Drum" (again, the spelling of "LSD" is completely unintentional, though hilariously incidental). Once inside my sleigh, and with the elixir in your system, you can go sledding through the desert of Saudi Arabia and the experience will be completely winter-like. Just watch out for the camels, or Sand Snow Men, I like to call them. (Lester Burnham takes no responsibility for any camel-related accidents, nor any overdoses of any kind and their outcomes. If anything should happen while on a LISSER, the manufacturer is waived of any responsibility, and any kind of incident is in the rider's hands. Not that anything would happen, but I'm just saying, is all.) Godspeed. - Lester |
Sonia Doris 04.12.2005 12:55 |
Dear Lester, Thank you very much for sharing these things to me. :D How can I get my hands on a LISSER and LSD? Are they expensive? Are there any special prices? Could I get a discount? If there is no problem, could you send me a brochure to chose the right model? I am very interested in this proposition. Finally I will find a way to fulfill my dream! Have you already thought about commercials for these things? Thanks for making my day! Sonia |
Fenderek 14.12.2005 07:32 |
Dear LEester! I don't know what's happening and what to do with it! I started to like a certain song called "Body Language" and I think it's got something to do with me becoming Lebanesse. I can take anything- carpet thing, meeting rasizm- but nobody told me THIS can happen! I loose a will to live... What's next- "Pain Is So Close To Pleasure"???????? What can I do? How can I save myself? Tom |
iGSM 14.12.2005 08:57 |
Dear Lester, Why do you suck? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude? Can you sign your name on my skeleto(r)n? What does Heather Leather mean? How many states in America start with a 3? Who is making those noises in the attic? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude? I want all those written in Australian. |
Lester Burnham 17.12.2005 19:55 |
Fenderek wrote: Dear LEester! I don't know what's happening and what to do with it! I started to like a certain song called "Body Language" and I think it's got something to do with me becoming Lebanesse. I can take anything- carpet thing, meeting rasizm- but nobody told me THIS can happen! I loose a will to live... What's next- "Pain Is So Close To Pleasure"???????? What can I do? How can I save myself? TomTom, I am sorry I didn't receive your letter until just now. I was actually on tour with Genesis, circa 1975, who were promoting their Lamb Lies Down On Broadway album. I was Phil Collins, but now I'm back as Lester and ready to answer your letters. Wait, you like 'Body Language' now? Sorry, I don't associate myself with those who like the song. The only way you can save yourself - and consider this a freebie, as I really should have stopped talking to you by now - is to cut out the center in your brain known as the BL lobe, which will remove any previous knowledge that a song such as 'Body Language' exists. Fortunately, you will also forget that 'Party', 'Staying Power', 'Delilah', and 'The March Of The Black Queen' exist. Well, fortunately for the first three, unfortunately for the last, but you've gotta give and take a little. - Lester |
Lester Burnham 17.12.2005 19:58 |
iGSM wrote: Dear Lester, Why do you suck? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude? Can you sign your name on my skeleto(r)n? What does Heather Leather mean? How many states in America start with a 3? Who is making those noises in the attic? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude? I want all those written in Australian.iGSM, Your answers, in Australian: "Why do you suck?" - Cor, mate, it's because of this 'ere ol' matey snipe woo chargrove snee. "Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude?" - pass the beer, eh, I've gorta destroi me livah. "Can you sign your name on my skeleto(r)n?" - It's all in the brain which canort farthom me east wellington fram bor. "What does Heather Leather mean?" - innit she the 'ore from across the plynth? "How many states in America start with a 3?" - 'alifornia, 'assachussetts, and 'arolina? "Who is making those noises in the attic?" - 'ere, it's ol' Uncle Ernie, eh? "Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude?" - cos she ain't the 'ore from across the plynth. Luv, LB |
Sonia Doris 18.12.2005 05:29 |
Dear Lester, Why didn't u answer my letter? :P Sonia |
Fenderek 19.12.2005 03:55 |
Lester Burnham wrote:Dearararaar Leshter.Fenderek wrote: Dear LEester! I don't know what's happening and what to do with it! I started to like a certain song called "Body Language" and I think it's got something to do with me becoming Lebanesse. I can take anything- carpet thing, meeting rasizm- but nobody told me THIS can happen! I loose a will to live... What's next- "Pain Is So Close To Pleasure"???????? What can I do? How can I save myself? TomTom, I am sorry I didn't receive your letter until just now. I was actually on tour with Genesis, circa 1975, who were promoting their Lamb Lies Down On Broadway album. I was Phil Collins, but now I'm back as Lester and ready to answer your letters. Wait, you like 'Body Language' now? Sorry, I don't associate myself with those who like the song. The only way you can save yourself - and consider this a freebie, as I really should have stopped talking to you by now - is to cut out the center in your brain known as the BL lobe, which will remove any previous knowledge that a song such as 'Body Language' exists. Fortunately, you will also forget that 'Party', 'Staying Power', 'Delilah', and 'The March Of The Black Queen' exist. Well, fortunately for the first three, unfortunately for the last, but you've gotta give and take a little. - Lester I foollloooweeed your advize- and cut ze brain- but cut abittoo muuuuuch............. Bajjjj- Tom... |
Lester Burnham 19.12.2005 11:13 |
<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote: Dear Lester, Thank you very much for sharing these things to me. :D How can I get my hands on a LISSER and LSD? Are they expensive? Are there any special prices? Could I get a discount? If there is no problem, could you send me a brochure to chose the right model? I am very interested in this proposition. Finally I will find a way to fulfill my dream! Have you already thought about commercials for these things? Thanks for making my day! SoniaSonia, I am so sorry I didn't notice your letter before. I've been answering these so sporadically, but... enough about me. A brochure has been sent your way, but you will have to pay $65 (American) shipping and offer the delivery person a plate of your cookies. It's worth it, though, for the LISSER and/or LSD. I have considered doing commercials for these, but the only celebrity spokesperson I could nab was Richard Simmons, who has a horrible lisp, and every time he pronounced the product it would generate a loud hiss, rendering the audience deaf for a random period of time. The commercials will happen eventually; I remain hopeful. Yours, LB |
Lester Burnham 19.12.2005 11:16 |
<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote: Dear Lester I found myself in a big doubt. I was buying ligerie for myself to make a surprise for my man, when I saw some nice costumes as a schoolgirl outfit and a police woman outfit. I dunno what to choose??? What would suit me, an innocent act or a tought act??? And another doubt, do guys like pink ligerie in girls??? I know they like Black and red, but I wanted to do something different than the slut show xD. Kisses Marial-BMarial-B, Before I answer this question, I'm going to need to see pictures, and lots of them. Thank you. - LB |
Lester Burnham 19.12.2005 11:18 |
Fenderek wrote: Dearararaar Leshter. I foollloooweeed your advize- and cut ze brain- but cut abittoo muuuuuch............. Bajjjj- Tom...Tom, Ahh, it's working perfectly already. All memories of... those songs are now exiting your brain, never to return. And don't worry about cutting too much of your brain out; this just means you have the IQ and mentality of the average Queenzoner. I won't think of you any differently, though. - LB |
Fenderek 19.12.2005 11:56 |
Lester Burnham wrote:What songs?Fenderek wrote: Dearararaar Leshter. I foollloooweeed your advize- and cut ze brain- but cut abittoo muuuuuch............. Bajjjj- Tom...Tom, Ahh, it's working perfectly already. All memories of... those songs are now exiting your brain, never to return. And don't worry about cutting too much of your brain out; this just means you have the IQ and mentality of the average Queenzoner. I won't think of you any differently, though. - LB |
Lester Burnham 19.12.2005 12:30 |
Exactly. |
Fenderek 18.06.2008 10:38 |
Ah good old times... |
Erin 18.06.2008 10:45 |
Dear Lester, If you are really gone from QZ, why have you added an avatar and display message? Yours Truly, Erin |
The Real Wizard 18.06.2008 12:23 |
Dear Lester, Answer Erin's question already, you right twat. We're all dying to know. Best regards, Sir GH |
Lester Burnham 18.06.2008 14:19 |
I have no idea what any of you are talking about... |
Ale Solan 18.06.2008 15:13 |
Lester, how many time do I have to boil eggs? |
Donna13 19.06.2008 10:45 |
Well, it was very nice of Lester to answer all those silly questions. This was funny. Thanks. |
Freya is quietly judging you. 19.06.2008 12:42 |
He's alive! |
Freya is quietly judging you. 19.06.2008 12:42 |
Double post. I haven't done that for years. Epic fail. |
PieterMC 19.06.2008 13:17 |
Lester Burnham wrote: I have no idea what any of you are talking about...He lives! |
Lester Burnham 19.06.2008 13:27 |
Ahh, so much for slipping back undercover of the night... Thanks, Erin, for discovering my activity, and thanks, Fenderek, for bumping this gosh darn thread! ;) Anyway, yes, hello everyone! Ol' Lester is back, though I can't promise for how long I may stay. I'm sure you're ALL wondering what exactly I've been up to since I left here in a blaze of lights. Well, I lost my job*, and now I'm selling my house** 'cause I can't afford it no more. But don't cry for me – this is all for the best, and I'm actually quite happy about it. It's opened up a world of opportunities for me, and I think I'm going to do the unthinkable... ...move to Manchester and sling beer in a pub with my Australian Doppelgänger, iGSM. That's right, the two of us are going to finally meet... well, first in July, when he and a mutual friend of ours visit me for a few days. Like I said, I don't know how long I'll be sticking around. I do like the improvements that QZ has undergone (though I'm disheartened to read that I've posted over 5600 times; I can't imagine any more than a dozen of those posts have been intelligent), and I've been poking my head around QOL a bit, so it's only fair that I muck up this board too with my inane drivel. We shall see...! Oh, and I can't promise that I'm going to answer anymore letters in this thread, so please don't post them. Life's busy when you're unemployed... I have all these TV shows to catch up on! How's everyone else been? * "Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, 'Whoops! Where'd my job go?' I [WAS LAID OFF]. Someone pass me the asparagus." ** "I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today..." |
Erin 19.06.2008 13:43 |
Lester Burnham wrote: ...move to Manchester...Say whaaa? I suggest you use this time to finish your Milli Vanilli bio. |
PieterMC 19.06.2008 14:44 |
Lester Burnham wrote: Ahh, so much for slipping back undercover of the night... Thanks, Erin, for discovering my activity, and thanks, Fenderek, for bumping this gosh darn thread! ;) Anyway, yes, hello everyone! Ol' Lester is back, though I can't promise for how long I may stay. I'm sure you're ALL wondering what exactly I've been up to since I left here in a blaze of lights. Well, I lost my job*, and now I'm selling my house** 'cause I can't afford it no more. But don't cry for me – this is all for the best, and I'm actually quite happy about it. It's opened up a world of opportunities for me, and I think I'm going to do the unthinkable... ...move to Manchester and sling beer in a pub with my Australian Doppelgänger, iGSM. That's right, the two of us are going to finally meet... well, first in July, when he and a mutual friend of ours visit me for a few days. Like I said, I don't know how long I'll be sticking around. I do like the improvements that QZ has undergone (though I'm disheartened to read that I've posted over 5600 times; I can't imagine any more than a dozen of those posts have been intelligent), and I've been poking my head around QOL a bit, so it's only fair that I muck up this board too with my inane drivel. We shall see...! Oh, and I can't promise that I'm going to answer anymore letters in this thread, so please don't post them. Life's busy when you're unemployed... I have all these TV shows to catch up on! How's everyone else been? * "Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, 'Whoops! Where'd my job go?' I [WAS LAID OFF]. Someone pass me the asparagus." ** "I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today..."Nevermind all that crap. According to your profile pic it looks like you had a sex change! |
Lester Burnham 19.06.2008 14:58 |
PieterMC wrote: Nevermind all that crap. According to your profile pic it looks like you had a sex change!Well duh, what do you think I've been up to for the last 2 months??? |
PieterMC 19.06.2008 15:00 |
Lester Burnham wrote:I should have taken a screenshot. Now you've changed it back.PieterMC wrote: Nevermind all that crap. According to your profile pic it looks like you had a sex change!Well duh, what do you think I've been up to for the last 2 months??? |
Fenderek 20.06.2008 11:40 |
Lester- you're not serious about Manchester, are you? If you are- we need to have beer as well, live not far from there :) |
Lester Burnham 20.06.2008 11:46 |
Fenderek wrote: Lester- you're not serious about Manchester, are you? If you are- we need to have beer as well, live not far from there :)I'm afraid I very well may be! I just need to find a way to get over there... damn the UK and their many types of visas!!! |
Freya is quietly judging you. 20.06.2008 11:51 |
Hang on... Are you talking English Manchester??? |
Erin 20.06.2008 11:57 |
I've got an idea. Freya, if you marry Lester he can move to the UK no problem. |
Freya is quietly judging you. 20.06.2008 11:58 |
I was thinking that, he could be my Thai bride. Or something. |
Lester Burnham 20.06.2008 12:00 |
Freya is quietly judging you. wrote: Hang on... Are you talking English Manchester???I am indeed! I wanted to become an expat, but I don't think I can support myself on my scribblings. Erin wrote: I've got an idea. Freya, if you marry Lester he can move to the UK no problem.Haha, well that's one way in, and preferable to marrying iGSM... Not sure if I can afford a ring just yet or anything, but we'll talk. |
Freya is quietly judging you. 20.06.2008 12:06 |
Wow. Manchester's awesome. Especially the accents. When I was up there a couple of weeks ago I started speaking like a notherner. I was confused, but also rather happy about it. It took me a good week or so to stop thinking in a Manchester-y type accent. |
Lester Burnham 20.06.2008 12:12 |
I'm sure they'll all swoon over my non-regional Pennsylvania accent. Though I say "water" as "water", and not the Philadelphia way ("wudder"). |
Erin 20.06.2008 12:13 |
Freya is quietly judging you. wrote: Wow. Manchester's awesome. Especially the accents.Do they all sound like Liam and Noel Gallagher there? |
Erin 20.06.2008 12:16 |
Lester Burnham wrote: I'm sure they'll all swoon over my non-regional Pennsylvania accent. Though I say "water" as "water", and not the Philadelphia way ("wudder").Good thing you have a non-regional accent. My brother-in-law is from PA, and his parents have god awful "Yankee" accents. ;-) |
Freya is quietly judging you. 20.06.2008 12:18 |
Erin wrote:Pretty much! But not quite so... nasal.Freya is quietly judging you. wrote: Wow. Manchester's awesome. Especially the accents.Do they all sound like Liam and Noel Gallagher there? |
Lester Burnham 20.06.2008 12:30 |
Freya is quietly judging you. wrote: Pretty much! But not quite so... nasal.Hmm... not sure I can take a year of that. I might have to rethink my strategy... |
Freya is quietly judging you. 20.06.2008 13:03 |
Oh :( Does this mean the wedding is off? |
Lester Burnham 20.06.2008 14:03 |
Nah, I can get over an accent. Besides, I'm perpetually in love with girls with an authentic British accent. |