I'll begin, with some quotes from Mitch Hedberg (who recently died, unfortunately):
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
"I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
"I went to the store to buy a candle-holder, but they were out. So I bought a cake."
"I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen."
"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips..."
"I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question."
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger."
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"Why's the alphabet in that order? Oh, it's the song."
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose."
All by Steven Wright. Funniest dead..pan comedian ever. I actually cried myself to death once at the locking his keys out of his car one and the leg falling asleep during the day. Funniest thing ever.
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Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
- The anchorman :)
Sydney: Write this down. E. M. E. T. I. B. Got it? Now, reverse it.
WILL: good guys or bad guys?
SYD: neither. my father.
SYDNEY: my math skills are above average, but i can't do advanced calculus in my head.
SLOANE: that's why you're going in with marshall.
MARSHALL: marshall who?
SARK: the new boss has a dreadful personality, don't you think?
SYD: i've seen worse.
SARK: am i supposed to take that personally?
- Alias =))