|As it's a boring Sunday Morning, lets have some jokes to lighten to mood! I've stolen some from another forum!
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and sees a giraffe standing there, so he walks over to it, pushes it over and starts walking out.
The bartender goes. "Oi, you, you can't leave that lyin' there".
The man replys "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
A man walks into a butchers having won on the horses. Feeling lucky, he goes to the butcher "I'll bet you twenty quid that you can't touch the meat on the top shelf".
The butcher thinks about it, but then declines the bet.
"Sorry mate, the steaks are too high"
The M1 and M6 are both in a pub discussing who it the hardest. Then a red piece of path comes into the bar and they both shit themselves and hide under a table. When the path leaves, the barman goes "I thought you too were both hard, so why did you hide?". "Yeah, but that guy is a cycle-path"
Whats the differance between Casper and Michael Jackson ?? ones white and scares kids.......the other is a friendly ghost
Why was the chav staring at the orange juice carton?
Cos it said "concentrate" on the side!
Three blokes sleeping in a bed laying side by side. in the morning when they wake up, the bloke on the left says "last night i dreamt i was being wanked off" they man on the right says 'that's weird, me too!'
then the bloke in the middle says 'oh, well last night i was dreaming of skiing"
police raided michael jackson's neverland ranch the other day. they found class A drugs in the kitchen, class B drugs in the bathroom and class 4c in his bedroom
an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar.
the bartender turns round and says 'is this a bloody joke?'
a cat and a rooster are walking over a bridge...the cat falls in and is soaked, the rooster cant stop laughing.
the motto? wherever theres a wet pussy theres a happy cock
|After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I'm usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."
|An elderly woman goes to a supermarket to get some cat food. The clerk says she cna't buy it until she proves she has a cat, because old people have been known to eat cat food. In a huff, she goes home and gets her cat. A week later, she returns to the store for some dog food. Again, she is asked for proof of dog ownership, as old people eat dog food too. Angrily, she goes to her house to fetch the dog. That next day, she returns carrying a box with a small hole punched in the side. She tells the clerk to insert her finger in the hole. Upon doing this, she removes her finger, sniffs it and exclaims, "This smells like poo!" The old woman replies, "Now may I buy a roll of toilet paper?"|
|A couple of Michael Jackson jokes (I don't actually think he's guilty but I never let the truth get in the way of a good joke):
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a supermarket bag?
One's white plastic and dangerous to children, the other's a supermarket bag.
When is it bedtime in Neverland?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
I suspect you know the rest.
|Would it be Doctor? Arf arf.
My favourite joke A sausage and an egg are in a frying pan when the sausage says 'Jesus its hot in here' to which the egg replies 'fuck me a talking sausage'.
|Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
|A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow said "No".
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."
|Bob The Shrek
|What's the diffence between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson?
Scargill hasn't seen a miner's helmet in 20 years
|Mr. Shrek...pardon my french but WHERE IN THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN????
Ah, now I feel much better!
I'm off to Florida on Monday Shreky so you better get in touch somehow or you are in deep doo doo.
|Bob The Shrek
|I have been back in London, working (until next week), and have been staying with my brother. Sharing a house with 2 internet crazy nephews, an ebay mad brother and a sister-in-law that is a workaholic, means that my chances of getting online are rare.
Added to that, every other weekend, I am travelling up to Sheffield to get my flat ready for me to move in at the beginning of May.
Then there is the fact that Queenzone hasn't held my utmost attention for a while......
|I wish I could take credit for these but like eggy I nicked them from another forum!
A few male chauvenist jokes (sorry ladies):
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None - It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was' Always'
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
It's called a Wedding Cake
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
And now some proper ones ;o)
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? One - he holds the bulb & the world revolves around him.
Why are men like carpets? Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do