I was perusing through my extensive library the other day looking for some literary inspiration, you know the sort a bit of Chaucer or Milton when the site of Das Kapital caught my eye.
No good reader don't think your favourite knight of the realm has gone red it was what I found beside said book. A video tape of the most disgusting kind.
No not that you dirty tyke, but Spinal Tap II. For the less knowledgable amongst us its not a rompingly funny sequel to the original. It's the actual actors playing music live or alternatively known as 'jumping the shark'. I wouldn't mind but I gave it to Flashman as a present last Chrimbo still complete with the £1 price tag. The toerag must have slipped it in whilst I had my back turned. Thats gratitude for ya.
That said quicker than I could say 'Wake up and smell the salt' I popped the little blighter in an envelope marked 'Saucy Magazine inside' and addressed it to The Towers.
Chortle.
Guffaw (Ed's voice)
Sorry, subscription's full. I'm the editor, so I should know. And no use in asking anyone if I'm reputable, because I'm telling you I am. And you have to believe me because I'm an editor of a scrappy little newsletter with big ambitions.
Are you implying that I'm unworthy of a small town magazine? That I'm on the level as Erin Brokovitch? Or that I have some kind of legalistic view on the way that hats should or should not be worn in public? It's people like you who hold honest citizens from wearing their hats on their arms and those who find it a need to have a groin hat. God, you would have expected this behaviour in the 1398's but not in this day and age. Why don't you meld in to the walls and just sing a song, a song sixpence! GAIL FORCE WINDS!
And that's all I have to say about thay-t.
Oh...Rule Brittania and what not.
Oh look at you, Mr. Freespirit For Everyone (If You Have The Time). If it weren't for you, I would have sold those eggplants to the registry who were holding my sister captive, but no, you had to go and tell them how to get richer, thicker, fuller eggplants in thirty-ought six weeks, thus paling my contributions in the process. My sister still hasn't found her thumb, at least until I told her it was still attached to her hand. She cursed revenge on a fellow named Cyril, but I can only assume she meant Cameron, as she pronounced it as such. So I'm here to avenge my sister's missing thumb, even though she found it right where she left it, to which I have to say, have you got any Grey Poupon?
I thought you'd say that, Lester...if that IS your real name. Never fear, you will get your revenge....from me! That is. To say that. Too long have I suffered this. Plus you and your 'ailment' of Cameronnosandwichitis.
Ah, Spinal Tap 2 - the expactations we had! After 5 minutes or so our faces must have dropped so much that any passing spectators would have presumed debt collectors were at large.
I slipped that back about four months ago Archie, you old brute. Shows how often your cleaner Florence does the library. Mind you, she's got her her plus points - 2 big ones in fact - and she ain't a bad ride for pushing sixty (it was a bet - I lost).
It could have been worse, lad - I could have left you 'The Last Dragon'.
Bruce Leeroy!?
What I really should have left on Archie's bookshelves is some sort of guide to punctuation.
I shall certainly endeavour to keep it up, young iGSM. That's why I keep a stash of Viagra in the bathroom cabinet.
I recommend that you take it with Prozac, then you're not too disappointed if it doesn't work.
Oh by the way Florence has been dismissed. She knew all about the blasted video and thought it would be a bit of a weeze.
She's not laughing now though is she?
Well she is actually took me to a tribunal and got £10,000.
But she won't be laughing tonight cos she's off to see Syd Little.
I can't believe I'm going to see a Darkness tribute act with this man tomorrow night. The things that pass for entertainment in this neck of the woods...