| -fatty- 2850 27.09.2004 07:55 |
Some of the old timers (not you newbie scum) may remember that a year or so ago I attempted to contact Freddie in the spirit world by hooking up my modem to a ouija board and taking a certain amount of non-prescribed drugs. The first time I tried to contact Freddie I was a little surprised by his unwillingness to discuss his work, preffering instead to go into great detail about the countless young women he had murdered and hidden in his basement. It soon became apparent that I had dialled the wrong number and was in fact conducting an interview with the notorious killer Fred West. On the second attempt, I spent a good ten minutes having a conversation with Fred Dibnah about chimneys and traction engines. Despite being a boring bastard it occured to me that he isn't even dead, although after ten minutes of his endless chuntering, I began to wish I was. On Saturday evening I hooked the machime back up, took some drugs and eventually managed to track down the real Fredie Mercury. The following is a transcript of our conversation. Fatty: Hello, is that Freddie? Freddie: Speaking. Fatty: Freddie Mercury? Freddie: Yes, who's this? Fatty: Oh hello Freddie, My name is fatty and I was wondering if you could spare a few moments to answer a few questions for the good folks at Queenzone. Freddie: I'm sorry what did you say your name was? Fatty: fatty from Queenzone. Freddie: The same fatty from Queenzone who writes all those bullshit stories about me still being alive and working as a bus driver in Edinburgh? Fatty: err. Freddie: The same fatty from Queenzone who wrote the Gospel according to fatty? Fatty. I err em... Freddie: The same fatty from queenzone who thought it would be hilariously funny to recount the tale of how I broke the news of my having AIDS to the rest of the band? Fatty: Well I err emmm err... Freddie: Fuck off and die you fat repulsive wanker! (click) Unperturbed, I left it for a few minutes and tried again. The following is a transcript of the conversation that took place. Fatty: Hello, is that Freddie? Freddie: Speaking. Fatty: Freddie Mercury? Freddie: Yes, who's this? Fatty: Err..... This is Janet from Queenzone. Freddie: Oh hello my dear. It's funny I always imagined you as having an American accent. Fatty: Err...emmm...I'm starring in a play at the moment. It's a musical version of Braveheart on ice so I have to stay in character. That's why I have a Scottish accent. Freddie: Okay, I thought you were a woman too. Fatty: I have a cold. Freddie: Fair enough. What can I do for you my dear? Fatty: Well I was wondering if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions that have been cropping up on the Queenzone message board lately. Freddie: Certainly my dear. What would you like to know? In fact don't tell me. You want to know what Bohemian Rhapsody was all about. don't you?Well what happened was this. Way back in 1972 I was reading about a ma.... Fatty: Sorry Freddie, If I could just stop you there for a second but no bugger cares what Bohemian Rhapsody was about. Freddie: Oh... I suppose you want to know the truth about the infamous launch party of Jazz in New Orleans. Fatty: Not particularly, no. Freddie: So what do you want to know? Fatty: Well the big question on everyone's mind at the moment is did you ever shave your scrotum. Freddie: Come again? Fatty: Did you ever shave your bollocks? Freddie: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Fatty: Ok can I ask you another question? Freddie: So long as it's nothing to do with whether or not I shaved my clacker-bag. Fatty: It's not. Freddie: Ask away. Fatty: When you died were you clean shaven or did you have a beard? Freddie: Can I ask you a question Janet? Fatty: Who.... oh you mean me. Yes ask away. Freddie: I want you to imagine youreself lying in bed in unbearable agony, the ulcers in your mouth are so painful you c |
| Fenderek 27.09.2004 08:07 |
LM bloody AO!!! Isn't this brilliant...???!!! |
| BrianRules 27.09.2004 08:14 |
Very Funny, Fatty!!! You should be writing sitcoms for a living! Must be the non-prescribed drugs!! |
| The Mir@cle 27.09.2004 08:42 |
A nice way to kick the arses of some Queenzoners with to much time.... But I think that the people you're talking about, don't understand the message. |
| Brian_Mays_Wig 27.09.2004 09:24 |
Nice one! |
| Lester Burnham 27.09.2004 09:32 |
*rapturous applause* |
| iGSM 27.09.2004 09:36 |
I'd like to know what type of meat he rathered on sandwiches; pressed or non-pressed. And if he thinks Ben Stiller is funny or not. |
| Janet 27.09.2004 09:51 |
Love it fatty!!! |
| Lisser 27.09.2004 10:14 |
Bravo...bravooooooooooo!!! |
| Mr Mercury 27.09.2004 10:18 |
Brill as usual Fatty, but what I'd want to know is whether Freddie prefers flac to mp3 - its a constant argument on the "Sharing..." section. |
| Lester Burnham 27.09.2004 10:22 |
iGSM wrote: I'd like to know what type of meat he rathered on sandwiches; pressed or non-pressed.How is this any debate? Pressed, all the way. |
| Mitti 27.09.2004 10:23 |
ey... fatty is cool! :D |
| iGSM 27.09.2004 10:30 |
Yeah, I'm a pressed meat fan..no matter what it is it allllllllllllways tastes better pressed. Especially ice. |
| Daburcor? 27.09.2004 10:31 |
Great as always Fatty! It's good to see you posting again! |
| josue 14398 27.09.2004 10:35 |
Good one, fatty, lol |
| Brianmay1975 27.09.2004 10:49 |
Oh man I can only say LOL!!! Damn this was so funny.... You're great, Fatty!
The Mir@cle wrote: A nice way to kick the arses of some Queenzoners with to much time.... But I think that the people you're talking about, don't understand the message.Unfortunately I also think they don't... |
| mariner10 27.09.2004 10:59 |
I'm a fan of all kinds of brilliance... yes, fatty, i'm your fan. |
| The Real Wizard 27.09.2004 11:08 |
Absolutely Brilliant, Fatty! You've always been one to bring such unique vibes to your topics. |
| Brian_Mays_Wig 27.09.2004 11:21 |
Fatty, you should have asked if he was the postman or the letterbox! |
| MayFan 27.09.2004 11:34 |
Hillarious!! Even after reading it 5 times!! Who is this fatty and why aren't you working for the BBC?!?!? Obviously, I haven't been around long enough to have the privilage of knowing this comedic genius! Hope to see more of this!! |
| Banquo 27.09.2004 13:05 |
Very funny but leave Fred Dibnah out of it. The man is a, you know, a fucking, you know, genius. |
| Brandon 27.09.2004 13:22 |
Brilliant!!!!! Finally, something worth reading! |
| deleted user 27.09.2004 13:29 |
After a hiatus, read yet another side-splitting work. Although I haven't posted that often before, I was lurking back then (for fear of humilation), and read the funniest things about the band we love. More!!! |
| love of my life 14018 27.09.2004 15:22 |
LMAO!!!!!!!!! Ah, boy........... That is wonderful!!!!!! Probably what he'd say, too. Although, if you had asked whether he was the postman or the letterbox, he may have come down to personally haunt you. I could think of worse things to happen than that. |
| Roger_in_Tigerskin_Trousers 27.09.2004 15:26 |
I don't care how much im gonna get abused, I thought it was awful. Do you guys have mental ages of 7? Not funny so not funny it's laughable. I do hope for your sake fatty, you are not older than 7. |
| rhapsody__87 27.09.2004 15:45 |
Fatty, you're awesome. Call him up again as, like, Hematose Suina or whatever their name is. I'm starting up a Fatty Fan Club -- anyone like to join? :-) |
| Introducing_Christina Lauren 27.09.2004 16:16 |
Hilarious, i enjoyed it. in all seriousness though the part about 'lying in bed dying' was deep, who ever posted that bullshit message about clean-shaven or not is an ass! |
| iron eagle 27.09.2004 16:29 |
Brilliant piece of work fatty |
| SergeantPepperDG 27.09.2004 16:29 |
HAHA! |
| deleted user 27.09.2004 16:40 |
Roger_in_Tigerskin_Trousers wrote: I don't care how much im gonna get abused, I thought it was awful. Do you guys have mental ages of 7? Not funny so not funny it's laughable. I do hope for your sake fatty, you are not older than 7.shut up fucker! you are talking to a genius. |
| Green Banana 27.09.2004 16:40 |
Brilliant! Good enough to make me come out of my lurkdom and post. |
| MayFan 27.09.2004 16:55 |
Ohh! I have a question for Freddie...ask him if he's talked to Elvis lately?? After all, Freddie did write CLTCL for the King, so they must be close. |
| brENsKi 27.09.2004 17:22 |
i have a much more important - and severely overlooked - question: Fatty - that modem of yours - did you hook up to the ouija board on bluetooth or USB? |
| LiveAidQueen 27.09.2004 17:50 |
Ohh Fatty :-):-) |
| Sir Archie 'Tiffany' Leach 27.09.2004 17:57 |
OI FLASHMAN!!! You can cancel the tickets for the Labour Party Conference. Fatty's back and telling stories almost as funny as you'd hear from Tony and his cronies down in Brighton. Besides it's cheaper and I can't be arsed. |
| deleted user 27.09.2004 19:12 |
LOL! Even though it may say I am a newbie, Fatty, I have read your work for a while now. (About six months or so. No, I am not stocking you...) And I must say, I am a big fan! You bring a sigh of relief to Queenzone. Thank you for humoring topics that so many others have been agressive towards.(They are just topics people!)You have guts. And I respect you for that. |
| deleted user 27.09.2004 19:16 |
Barry_UK wrote:Enough said!Roger_in_Tigerskin_Trousers wrote: I don't care how much im gonna get abused, I thought it was awful. Do you guys have mental ages of 7? Not funny so not funny it's laughable. I do hope for your sake fatty, you are not older than 7.It's called humour :-) Fatty another brilliant piece..more |
| mrjordy 27.09.2004 20:22 |
Fabulous phone interview, Fatty. Just brilliant. |
| high-flying-adored 27.09.2004 21:17 |
YES! Hahahaa! That was absotivelyposolutely terrific. I give you many kudos and dance accordingly, so as to entertain you for all the lovely relapses of the terrific non-prescribed drugs. (You ought to write sitcoms or something, I do agree.) Nice way to kick some serious butt. :) |
| thePresence 27.09.2004 21:24 |
Brian_Mays_Wig wrote: Fatty, you should have asked if he was the postman or the letterbox!LOL |
| Saint Jiub 27.09.2004 22:40 |
Excellent work Fatty. Your comedic timing is genius. |
| MetzgerR 27.09.2004 23:11 |
That was absolutely hilarious, and, as sad as it is, most definitely needed here! Denki denki! |
| Roy ® 28.09.2004 02:27 |
Brilliant, Fatty hits the wrigth point. |
| Lara 28.09.2004 03:18 |
..comedic genius for f... sake?! It was to be cynical,I guess. It's like The Mir@cle said-they don't get that. Anyway,a very good shot,Fatty. |
| Penis - Vagina 28.09.2004 03:27 |
fatty wrote: Freddie: I want you to imagine youreself lying in bed in unbearable agony, the ulcers in your mouth are so painful you can hardly breathe, let alone speak. Your eyes have clouded over and you can't see your hand in front of your face. Now do you honestly think you would give a flying fuck if you looked like Grizzly fucking Adams or not?hilarious |
| Lawyeris 28.09.2004 06:29 |
"On Saturday evening I hooked the machime back up, took some drugs and eventually managed to track down the real Fredie Mercury." Mrs FATTY, are you agitate for being on drugs? |
| Sonia Doris 28.09.2004 10:51 |
looooooooooooooooooool Good job! |
| queenrocks! 10902 28.09.2004 13:24 |
That was fucking brilliant. |
| Rick 28.09.2004 14:31 |
This is really brilliant, man, I love this!!! Keep up the good work, Fatty! I love it! |
| KillerQueen840 28.09.2004 14:37 |
When I first started reading this I thought off the back that this was gonna be some more garbage that I don't like but you did a magnificent job. Bravo! |
| -fatty- 2850 28.09.2004 16:25 |
Roger_in_Tigerskin_Trousers wrote: I don't care how much im gonna get abused, I thought it was awful. Do you guys have mental ages of 7? Not funny so not funny it's laughable. I do hope for your sake fatty, you are not older than 7.Dear Mr or Mrs In_Tiger_Skin_Trousers (Is that your real name?) I'm sorry that you found my wee joke in poor taste. Rest assured that it was never my sole intention to annoy you. What hurts me the most is not the fact that you failed to find my story amusing, it's the fact that you had to resort to petty name calling and poking fun at seven year olds. It's bad enough that children throughout the world have to endure 12 months of being seven without being ridiculed for it. Most of the folks I know have all been seven at some point of their lives and gone on to lead productive lives, with the exception of six year olds and they still have the harrowing experience of being seven to come. Although I wasn't around in 1953, I have it on good authority that Freddie himself underwent just under 12 months of being seven and he turned out just fine. So say what you like about me. I can take the slings and arrows but lay off the seven year olds. Okay. I hope this hasn't soured what I hope will become a wonderful friendship between our good selves and I wish you and your family well. Your pal fatty. |
| SergeantPepperDG 28.09.2004 16:53 |
Oooh! BURN! *goes back to normal business* |
| high-flying-adored 28.09.2004 16:55 |
fatty wrote:Damn. Again, a stroke of genius. Nice retort -- ach, I wish my timing were as good. :) Heehehee. And the seven-year-olds also must fear the rejection of suddenly becoming eight, which is an impending doom no one can really escape ...Roger_in_Tigerskin_Trousers wrote: I don't care how much im gonna get abused, I thought it was awful. Do you guys have mental ages of 7? Not funny so not funny it's laughable. I do hope for your sake fatty, you are not older than 7.Dear Mr or Mrs In_Tiger_Skin_Trousers (Is that your real name?) I'm sorry that you found my wee joke in poor taste. Rest assured that it was never my sole intention to annoy you. What hurts me the most is not the fact that you failed to find my story amusing, it's the fact that you had to resort to petty name calling and poking fun at seven year olds. It's bad enough that children throughout the world have to endure 12 months of being seven without being ridiculed for it. Most of the folks I know have all been seven at some point of their lives and gone on to lead productive lives, with the exception of six year olds and they still have the harrowing experience of being seven to come. Although I wasn't around in 1953, I have it on good authority that Freddie himself underwent just under 12 months of being seven and he turned out just fine. So say what you like about me. I can take the slings and arrows but lay off the seven year olds. Okay. I hope this hasn't soured what I hope will become a wonderful friendship between our good selves and I wish you and your family well. Your pal fatty. Terrific. :) |
| 7Innuendo7 28.09.2004 17:22 |
ROFLMAO! 7 yr olds sometimes have a better developed sense of humor than adults, eh? |
| onevsion 28.09.2004 18:42 |
nice! |
| Zander05 28.09.2004 19:08 |
fatty, I must say that that's very f*cking funny! Good job! :-) |
| deleted user 28.09.2004 19:12 |
Oh dear... |
| Brian_Mays_Wig 28.09.2004 19:44 |
I piss myself even looking up the replies! R_I_T_S_T, chill out, this is what Fattys all about and its fucking good work. Fatty doesnt post much but when he does its well appreciated. I hope to share a drink with him someday, hes a good guy. |
| KillerQueen840 28.09.2004 20:53 |
Not only it was funny, I think it was actually a piece of work to learn from...you know staying out of Freddie's personal life and everything that he kept private for HIS own reasons. Once again, magnificent piece of work! |
| high-flying-adored 28.09.2004 22:06 |
Hahahahaaa .... kick butt! Good show. |
| toodey 29.09.2004 07:59 |
great work, hilarious. |
| FriedChicken 29.09.2004 09:10 |
Fatty you are the best! You make Queenzone worth coming to every day! |
| not very important person 29.09.2004 09:43 |
Are you fuking crasy????!!!!!! This is the disgasting dirty shit!!! All of you must be perverted stupid guys to like this! Fuck all of you becase Freddie wouldnt like it at all!!!!! |
| Brianmay1975 29.09.2004 12:19 |
not very important person wrote: Are you fuking crasy????!!!!!! This is the disgasting dirty shit!!! All of you must be perverted stupid guys to like this! Fuck all of you becase Freddie wouldnt like it at all!!!!!Be sure he'd have liked it more than the "Was Freddie the postman..." and "Did Freddie shave..." topics man! I dunno why on this forum the word "disgusting" is so oftenly misspelled (remember someone spelled it "discusting" last week!). About Roger I Tigerskin...: man you've lost your sense of humour and I can only say one thing to you: shut up when you can't understand, cos Fatty's post is so so great! |
| Lester Burnham 29.09.2004 12:32 |
Quoted from Fatty's post about Freddie's diaries, with a bit of tweaking to make it appropriate to this post: "The [preceding] extracts...are entirely fictitious and although based on real events, 99% of what you are about to read is in fact complete bullshit. It never happened. I feel obliged to point this out simply because I have in the past written quite obviousley false accounts of Freddie's life that have been taken by certain gullible members of the Queen Fan community as the gospel truth and this in turn has lead to confusion, accusations of slander and the odd death threat. "So please bear in mind that what you...read is the combination of an over active imagination, eating cheese before bedtime, the use of non-prescribed drugs and the sincerest hope of bringing a smile to the faces of those who can take my stories with a pinch of salt. "Should you find any of the following stories offensive in any way, then please accept my sincerest apologies. Alternatively, you may feel the need to question your own perceptions of reality and if you are in any way offended by such ridiculous stories, the problem lies with yourself and not with me. So get a fucking grip." Could not be more apporpriate to some of the humorless twits here. |
| mamamia 29.09.2004 14:06 |
very funny. i like it. |
| Brian_Mays_Wig 29.09.2004 14:21 |
not very important person wrote: Are you fuking crasy????!!!!!! This is the disgasting dirty shit!!! All of you must be perverted stupid guys to like this! Fuck all of you becase Freddie wouldnt like it at all!!!!!Eat shit. |
| deleted user 29.09.2004 16:43 |
not very important person wrote: Are you fuking crasy????!!!!!! This is the disgasting dirty shit!!! All of you must be perverted stupid guys to like this! Fuck all of you becase Freddie wouldnt like it at all!!!!!loosen up, BIATCH! if i ever see you, i'd give you a BIATCH slapping! |
| MayFan 29.09.2004 17:26 |
I just spent the last half hour reading the original "diaries" thread and I about pissed myself!! The part about he thought he had been talking to Brain in a cocktail dress when he met Anita Dobson is priceless!!! I bow in complete humility to your comedic genius! |
| love of my life 14018 29.09.2004 18:31 |
not very important person wrote: Are you fuking crasy????!!!!!! This is the disgasting dirty shit!!! All of you must be perverted stupid guys to like this! Fuck all of you becase Freddie wouldnt like it at all!!!!!Yes, yes, we're all fuking crasy! What else would we be? Er, might you define that for us? Freddie probably would've gotten quite a kick out of this, or at least the clever disclaimers. Didn't get to finish the diaries, but the electrocution thing was too good!!!!!!!!!! |
| Albyboy 29.09.2004 18:37 |
Love Of My Life wrote: Yes, yes, we're all fuking crasy! What else would we be?OOOOHHHH YEEEESSSSS!!!! I LOVE THIS MOOD!!! :-) Albyboy |
| deleted user 29.09.2004 19:31 |
I guess some people don’t appreciate Fatty’s work… |
| deleted user 29.09.2004 20:58 |
Excellent work, Fatty, as ever. :^) Goodness gracious me, Janet...you gotta dirty mind! ;^) |
| Regor 30.09.2004 06:15 |
I don't understand why some people just don't get the point - this is so funny and at the same time such a slap in the face of those who think they have to talk about c***s and b***s and Postmen... this is my first "fatty"-impression and I love it ! I immediately searched the archives and the "secret diaries" are so damn funny, I could read them 24/7 ! Fatty, write a book !!! Great Stuff !!! |
| Fred Rocks 30.09.2004 07:20 |
Helloooooooooooooooo.How are you? Fancy E-mailing me? lv Loz |
| Lester Burnham 30.09.2004 08:39 |
Was it necessary to quote the link of Freddie's diaries again? Now the sizing of the window is screwed up for another page. |
| Lester Burnham 30.09.2004 10:17 |
Psyche Star wrote: Lester, Is that link stretching the page much? I only have a 15 inch monitor. The previous page isn't stretched at all and on this page it is only stretched a little. Not enough to make it difficult to read the page. Just asking.No, you're right. I just like bitching about something for no particular reason. |
| Lester Burnham 30.09.2004 11:52 |
No worries, just one of those days, if you get my drift. Meant no harm. |
| Fenderek 17.10.2005 07:55 |
Reminder |
| 7Innuendo7 18.10.2005 07:23 |
hilarious! |
| john bodega 18.10.2005 08:48 |
"most of them who dislike it probably kiss their Freddie poster each night. *stepfords*" I could sigh at that one but I want to save my oxygen. Look, just because I find fatty's stuff bland and uninspiring doesn't mean I actively hate it or anything. I hope fatty continues, mainly because so many people here enjoy the stuff. You don't have to be an asshat to think fatty isn't funny. |
| blerp 19.10.2006 15:19 |
Haha, that was great! But what's sad is that I always miss these awesome stories. I mean, he put this up on my birthday, so...yeh. |
| The Fairy King 19.10.2006 15:30 |
LOL i remember this one. |
| Gone. 20.10.2006 12:55 |
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! xD xD xD xD ! ROFL! xD! |
| Baneé 20.10.2006 20:54 |
Fatty, you´re the best comedian ever!! I vote you as a President!!! LOVE YOUU!!!! |