I have just returned from one of my frequent trips to the future and I came across a new feature on Queenzone. An obituary section. I realise that not everybody wants to hear about their own deaths as it it can take the fun out of your remaining years (or weeks in Harvey Goldsmith's case) but some of them were really interesting. With that in mind, I have decided to withold the actual dates. I hope you enjoy these.
BOB THE SHREK
Following years of prolonged agony at the hands of a mystery illness which causes ones internal organs to develop large painful boils that burst causing blood poisoning and a truly horrible death, Jake Britt finally died at home on xx/xx/xx with his countless imaginary friends by his side.
Not that anyone cares mind you. The sad news however is that Mr Robert Shrek, upon hearing the news laughed so much that he suffered a severe splitting of the sides and his head fell off.
Mr Shrek leaves behing a big fucking Harley and an almost full pack of fags.
After being bitten by venomous snakes on an almost daily basis for over sixty years, Brandon succumbed to an illness brought on by an allergy to a new type of band aid on xx/xx/xx. Brandon leaves behind four ex-wives, 22 children and a banjo.
The entire world was plunged into mourning on xx/xx/xx when officials posted a notice on the gates of the Reform Club that Lord Flashman had passed way peacefully in someone elses bed.
His Royal Majesty King William has ordered that all flags in the country be lowered and a state of mourning lasting no more than seven years will begin on Tuesday. Sir Elton John has been removed form his chryogenic tank to re-write his hit song 'Goodye Yellow Brick Road' in an ever lasting tribute to the late great Flashman. It will be called 'Goodbye You Drunken Old Toad' and will be sold to raise funds for a 700 foot high solid gold statue to be erected in the centre of Hyde Park. The funeral will be a private family affair well away from working class oinks but should young women want to throw themselves off tall biuldings as a sign of grief, that will be acceptable.
Within 24 hours of releasing a statement in which he revealed that he had been diagnosed as having a slight cold, Freddie VTB passed away surrounded by close friends on 24/11/xx at his home in Holland. His funeral will be held next week and is to be a private ceremony conducted in Parsee and include musical tributes from Montseratte Cabelle and Aretha Franklin. A tribute concert at Wembley Stadium is expected to be announced later in the year although no bugger is expected to turn up for it.
After being killed by the swords of a thousand men on xx/xx/xx, Banquo will be thrown out with the bath water at a ceremony to which all friend and family are invited.
On xx/xx/xx Ted Smegma was killed by a gang of Scottish Rastafarian Queen Fans he caught stealing from his shop. Ted had suffered for years at the hands of these thugs and on several occasions asked for assistance on this very web site. Queenzoners should hang their heads in shame for not waking up and smelling the coffee sooner.
Dark passed away on xx/xx/xx after contracting blood poisoning from a paper cut inflicted by a Pokemon card. Dark succesfully sued the makers of Pokemon and won close to one billion dollars in damages. Sadly he spent every last cent on more Pokemon cards and couldn't afford the tube of Germoline that would have no doubt saved his life.
Years of smoking in dark corners took their toll and Penetration Guru died on xx/xx/xx as a result of lung cancer and vitiman D defficiency.
Crushed to death under 4 metric tonnes of birthday cards on xx/xx/xx. Family flowers only.
For the eighth time in the past two years, Fatty has faked his death in an attempt to avoid paying a fine he recieved at Edinburgh Sherrif Court for public decency offence
That is outrageous, Fatty!! Shows incredibly poor taste! You know my Banjo will be buried with me. And probably one of my ex-wives too. I mean, what good is a woman anyway once her husband is gone anyway?
PS: Am I the only one who feels honored when remembered by Fatty? Especially considering I was bitten by the snake ages ago!!
I might have known I'd pop 'em rogering some lusty young sort, but hopefully not for a while.
Mind you, I was clutching my heart t'other week riding a feisty Irish redhead and I'll admit it wasn't a pleasant feeling.
Luckily, it turned out to be just wind.
Nasty affair - almost blew my hat off.
OK. Thomas Quinn died last night in his Netherlands home. The cause of death was a massive heart attack from making too much dirty with his wife(58+ times that evening). He leaves behind a very...very satisfied wife,15 kids,and an extensive Queen Collection which he leaves solely to It's Me Freddie Mercury. Assuming of course that he's MUCH older than 16. There you go..........Me?