| Flashman 26.06.2004 19:11 |
The poor wee thing seems to have been a bit down lately, and I hate to see a sort in distress. She's usually a little ray of sunshine, so let's see if we can't turn that frown around. Let's have a few jokes to cheer her up. Here's one for starters: A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning." |
| Lisser 26.06.2004 19:56 |
you made me smile! I am kinda down too. thanks :) |
| Daburcor? 26.06.2004 21:29 |
Has she been down? Well, Get better Manda! :) |
| Flashman 27.06.2004 05:59 |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, . . . "Nothin', but you left your Injun running." |
| Banquo 27.06.2004 06:53 |
Two peices of Sidewalk (pavement) were in a bar when a red piece of tarmac walks in, they quickly run for the toilets. After 10 minutes they venture out. The barman asks them why they hid when the red tarmac walked in. They reply 'that red tarmac he's a bloody cycle-path' |
| Mayboy 27.06.2004 07:25 |
lol Get Better Soon Amanda :) |
| Spiderleg Synthia 27.06.2004 10:13 |
Do we like Michael Jackson jokes? Okay then Q. Why can MJ never win a race? A. No matter how hard he tries, he always comes in a little behind. |
| Bob The Shrek 27.06.2004 10:28 |
Would a ritual killing help? |
| Fidel 27.06.2004 10:55 |
Miss James down? I don't know? Maybe if toss pots like you Flashman would piss off then there would be no problem. While you're at it take your aliases and that wank Charles Baer with you! |
| Flashman 27.06.2004 13:11 |
Jelousy vous obtiendra nulle part, mon ami. A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." |
| rhapsody__87 27.06.2004 13:34 |
Feel better Amanda! I don't have any funny jokes so just read theirs! :-) |
| deleted user 27.06.2004 14:23 |
Whatever you people do, don't make a blonde joke as she will not like that. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, Why the long face?" Why is six afraid of seven? Because 7 ate 9! Cheer up babe, I'll see you soon... ;) |
| Flashman 27.06.2004 16:12 |
*Rises to bait* Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why was the blonde's belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....? A: A blond doing cartwheels. Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort. Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant? A: She blew it both times! Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige? A: Lipstick on the cucumbers! Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? A: About 2 cans of hair spray Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.' |
| nil 27.06.2004 16:18 |
SO MANY BLONDE JOKES! *cries* :P |
| nil 27.06.2004 16:20 |
lol most of it is true though! |
| ~Silje~ 27.06.2004 17:09 |
Cheer up Alli! Whatever makes you down, we all want you to become our ray of sunshine once more. ;-) *Gives big hugs* Come on, my wonderful hugs help, don't they? Always do! |
| deleted user 27.06.2004 19:10 |
I warned you and Flashman did not heed that warning... Now you will most likely feel the wrath of manda and I've seen a mild version of it in person. It is scary. She growls and everything, lol. |
| Mary Austin 28.06.2004 00:22 |
Oh yes...I know that growl. It's a scary one. Glad that you're feeling a bit better, Alli Dally, just keep thinking of being shimmery and shiny and sparkly and...*takes a deep breath and sinks back in her chair, swinging her boa* :-D |
| Flashman 28.06.2004 17:31 |
There's obviously just no cheering up some people. Miss James, are you still with us? Have you cheered up yet? The suspense (and the tired old jokes) is killing us. :- A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, "This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hits her husband and says, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying, "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looks at her and says... "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." |
| Janet 28.06.2004 19:20 |
Miss James wishes me to convey the message that she is feeling better, thank you...but that she is currently 'unavailable'." :-) |
| Flashman 29.06.2004 02:37 |
Have you locked her in your wardrobe again Janet? This can't go on, y'know. |
| Daburcor? 29.06.2004 03:21 |
Ah, Flashman, Let her have her fun! Janet's too cool NOT to be able to lock whomever or whatever she pleases in her wardrobe. You'll just have to live with that, my woman-obsessed friend. You should know that by now anyway. Besides, I'm sure Amanda's having a blast in there anyhow. ;) |
| Janet 29.06.2004 07:13 |
Dan's right Flashman, my wardrobe is a happening place! ;-) |
| Daburcor? 29.06.2004 07:19 |
But, Are there barracudas in there? |
| Janet 29.06.2004 07:26 |
Well..no..but just about everything else you can think of! ;-) |
| deleted user 27.07.2004 11:29 |
I'm nearly a month late in replying, but oh well. Janet, can I come out yet? ;^) |
| Janet 27.07.2004 15:52 |
Comon out, girl!!! :-) |
| deleted user 27.07.2004 17:17 |
O-tay! Btw, I quite like your signature, Janet. :^D |
| Bob The Shrek 27.07.2004 17:47 |
I am still waiting for permission to kill someone, Miss James. |
| deleted user 27.07.2004 18:10 |
You wanting to kill someone? That's not like you, Bob! |
| Flashman 28.07.2004 12:29 |
Funny, I started this topic and yet I have no recollection of who this Miss James character is. Hang on, I've just been handed a piece of paper - thankyou, Hudson, go and polish the Bentley, I'm in the mood for chasing grannies off-road tonight. Ah! Miss James is that dizzy blond moo who showed her turncoat character by pissing off to QOL for a month and boasting about how wonderful her new beau is, thus breaking Sir Archie Leach's dumb old heart. I've no quarrel with her, after all - I break hearts easier than I break wind, but it's Sir Archie I feel for, the old doughnut. He has his soft side does our Arch, y'know - he's kinda Nazi but nice. He ain't been right since his "angel from o'er the sea" knifed him in t'back so cruelly and went on to rub his face in it with her declarations of love. He must snap out of it - he's up all hours singing laments for lost loves and he's even started listening to Country music. He's beyond even my reach now. Anyway, fuck him. |
| Sir Archie 'Tiffany' Leach 28.07.2004 13:02 |
I'm tickety boo old bean, not a worry in the world. Please stop dissing me because I'm trying to download some Atomic Kitten. |
| The Real Wizard 28.07.2004 15:02 |
You guys are hilarious. |
| deleted user 28.07.2004 20:50 |
Let's face it, Flashy, you can hook Sir Archie up with someone with a snap of your fingers. I'm sure he's well taken care of... And I'll boast how wonderful my beau is whenever I want, thank you very much! ;^) |
| Sir Archie 'Tiffany' Leach 29.07.2004 11:14 |
'Let's face it, Flashy, you can hook Sir Archie up with someone with a snap of your fingers. I'm sure he's well taken care of...' You'd think so wouldn't you. However, always the bridesmaid never the bride old bean. |
| deleted user 02.08.2004 22:37 |
Aw, you need to get up front closer to the bride where you can catch the bouquet, Sir Archie. :^D |
| Sir Archie 'Tiffany' Leach 03.08.2004 17:53 |
Not good for my hayfever old bean. Rather snag a bridesmaid! |
| deleted user 03.08.2004 19:35 |
Good point. Sounds like a plan! |