| Flashman 15.06.2004 17:52 |
In the recent 'Horror Movies' topic, our resident qualified Funeral Director and potential QZ HallOfFamer, Bob T. Shrek waxed lyrical about his former career in the undertaking game. His tales went down a storm here at The Towers. Indeed, I have passed some of them off as my own when in the company of ladies and it's bagged me a couple of lovely fillies this week, so they get the Flashman Seal Of Approval. I thought they deserved a topic of their own and hopefully with some encouragement, might entice ol' Bob to add a couple more. May I also add that this has been done entirely without Bob's leave, so I hope he forgives me. But if not, I want a deep magenta lining, genuine English Oak with REAL brass handles. And put a sock down my front, won't you? Wear gloves, though. TAKE IT AWAY, MR. BOB THE SHREK... "Once you've pulled a bloke out of a canal after a boat propeller has taken the top of his head off, picked up a bloke who has been dead on the toilet for 3 months and infested with maggots, picked up a woman who was burnt to death, picked up a bloke who jumped off a motorway bridge and hit by 6 cars before he touched the road, picked up a bloke who emptied both barrels of a shotgun through his head and numerous other lovely sights - horror movies are a bit tame! The 3 main types of coffin I sold were: a light wood veneer chipboard, mahogany and oak. The veneer was the most popular because it was the cheapest - afterall, all you are going to do is burn it or chuck it in the ground. The handles were bronzed - which means they were plastic, sprayed to look like bronze, and couldn't be used to carry the coffin. This was so that they would melt in a cremator. All coffins came with pale blue linings for men, pink for the ladies and white for children. The worst case scenario I had for a funeral was a bloke who had no legs and still weighed 462lbs - his son ordered an oak coffin, which is a heavy bastard for a normal sized adult. Because of his weight, the coffin had to be specially made and looked like the flight deck of a small aircraft carrier - it took 8 of us to carry it on our shoulders and even then we struggled. The only time we used lined coffins is for transportation abroad - and that is because it is a legal requirement. Why people would worry about worms is beyond me - they are dead! You'd be suprised at how many complaints we had by family members, when they went to view their nearest and dearest, that we had got the hair/make up wrong - totally ignoring the fact that we didn't have a clue what they looked like when they were alive! Rather than doing the make up, have a go at actually undertaking and perfect the art of taking the piss out of the mourners without them knowing - great fun ;-) " |
| dragonzflame 15.06.2004 18:58 |
I think that's a great idea. Flashy, you forgot the quote where he said, after you remarked about his being put off pizza, that pizza wasn't really an issue but spaghetti bolognese was. Mint. C'mon Bob, delve into the realms of your undertaker's memory and fish out those bodies from canals etc! The grosser the better! |
| -fatty- 2850 15.06.2004 19:17 |
Is it true that undertakers have to remove pacemakers before the body is cremated? fatty. |
| Bob The Shrek 15.06.2004 19:44 |
Absofuckinglutely, Fatty - those buggers explode! Potential QZ Hall of Famer, huh? - then I will have to think of something special - maybe a couple of victims of the Herald Of Free Enterprise or maybe the nutter who blew his head off (literally). The only problem is the risk of upsetting someone who has recently lost a loved one - but I am immune to it so I will carry on anyway. Just mention a way of dying and I will recount a job I have done - if I haven't done it, I will make it so plausible that you would think I had ;-) |
| -fatty- 2850 15.06.2004 20:07 |
My uncle passed away a few weeks ago and it would comfort me to beleive that the undertakers, while preparing him for his final journey, slapped that stupid fucking face of his four or five times before nailing the lid down. On a lighter note, what kind of explosion do these pacemakers cause? Are we talking fireworks, C4 or hydrogen bombs? I'd love to be at a funeral where they forgot to remove the pacemaker. I just want to know how far I have to sit from the front. fatty. PS. Welcome to the hall of fame Bob. I was the first inductee and I am still waiting for my scroll, medal and substantial cash prize. Flashy has assured me it's in the post and I truly beleive that he's the kind of guy you can trust. |
| Bob The Shrek 15.06.2004 20:44 |
Rest assured that if your Uncle had a big nose, or the undertaker made the sawdust pillow a bit too big, they would have sat on the coffin lid and broken his hooter - or squashed his head to make the lid fit properly. I haven't seen a pacemaker go up but I believe it starts as a roman candle and builds up to a small C4 explosion. Those sitting in the chapel should be okay but anyone near the cremator has about enough time to shit themselves before being hit by 1000 degrees of hot air. To be fair, I am only a potential inductee - but if I mention that it's difficult to pick up a body that's lost it's head and arms and that the only way to get a good grip is to put your hand down the neck and grab the ribcage - I reckon that will get me in!!!!! ps Also, I could do all this without losing sleep, having nightmares, never gave a fuck and never put me off a greasy bacon sarnie, cup of tea or a fresh cream cake. |
| Daburcor? 15.06.2004 21:32 |
Wow! Did you ever actually stick YOUR hand down the neck hole to pick someone up?! Or have you just heard stories? '_' |
| iGSM 15.06.2004 21:44 |
Ooh, carbon monoxiding oneself? What about a shotty to the head? Or listening to William Hung? |
| Flashman 16.06.2004 03:03 |
Time to ask the question everyone is thinking but are too polite to ask: Any tales of necrophilia? Not casting aspersions on your good self of course Bob, but there are some strange folk out there. |
| dragonzflame 16.06.2004 05:27 |
What about an unfortunate mishap with a chainsaw? And just what does a body look like when it's been in the water for several days? (I seem to recall a description from somewhere about a raisin with four fat legs but I'll leave it to your expertise.) |
| Bob The Shrek 16.06.2004 07:38 |
Carbon Monoxide - I did a woman who ran a pipe from her car exhaust. I can remember the sooty deposits on the inside of the car windows, on her body and a large lump of congealed snot & blood hanging from her nose. She'd had some tablets and booze to help her on her way, if I recall. Shooting - did a bloke who emptied both barrels of a shotgun through his mouth. Took the top and back of his head off and splattered the walls and ceiling with blood and brains. We were responsible for the removal of the body, so it was down to the family to clear up the mess on the ceiling and walls! Never do more than you have to - LOL. Necrophilia - I used to do it until some rotten cunt split on me - old joke. Heard stories of some individuals who 'apparently' indulged but no, I never wanted to find out. There was a mortuary attendant in the Greater London area who had a suitcase full of photo's of nurses at a hospital, in various states of undress. Bodies in the sea - I had to pick up a couple who had drowned in the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster. They had been in the water for less than 24 hours but they were still in a state. Bloated, greenish in colour and various sea creatures had had a free meal off of them. Their faces had been half eaten away and there were several places on the body that had been attacked too. I can even remember their names still. |
| deleted user 16.06.2004 08:37 |
Wonderful stories, I must say!!! Just great!!! :-D :-D Keep up the good work!! |
| iGSM 16.06.2004 09:57 |
Yeah, what about work shop accidents? They're always good for a laugh. C'mon.. I've seen my old mans' Police Journals and workshop homicide just happens to be very interesting. |
| Bob The Shrek 16.06.2004 18:05 |
Is it true that a corpse can sit up? If you mean rigor mortis setting in and making the corpse sit up, then no, that doesn't happen. However, when a body is cremated, the heat will momentarily hit the muscles and the body will appear to move, start to sit up because the heat makes the muscles contract - but it is over in less than a second. Did you know, by English Law, 4 members of the family can watch the cremation if they request to do so. I am desperately trying to think of a workplace death I attended but I can't think of one. I did a suicide at a train station but I don't know if it was an employee or not - probably wasn't. |
| Bob The Shrek 16.06.2004 18:12 |
Dan - it was my brother who had to stick his hand down a body's neck and hold onto the ribs, to pick it up. |
| Daburcor? 16.06.2004 18:24 |
Eeeeewwww... By the way, Can I be a Shrek? I'm fat and I'm ugly! Get back to me on that. |
| geeksandgeeks 16.06.2004 18:51 |
Bob, if I remember correctly, you live in the UK, but did you happen to hear anything about the Walker County Crematorium on my home turf? If not, read this. This is some sick shit. link Georgia is, without a doubt, the most fucked-up state in the fifty. |
| dragonzflame 16.06.2004 19:44 |
Please describe the train suicide! How long does it actually take for a body to be reduced to ashes? And does it smell like a barbeque (as I've heard)? We're a perverse bunch, thanks for thinking up this one Flashy! |
| Bob The Shrek 17.06.2004 05:56 |
Dan - yeah, okay you can be a Shrek for a while - the position is temporary and payment to 'The Coven' is required. The train suicide was at Weybridge, Surrey. Myself and my partner were called out one evening, by the Coroners Office, to pick up the body - if you could call it that. They had to switch the electricity off so that we could search the track and surrounding area - not easy when it is dark and relying on torchlight. We didn't need a body bag, a bucket would have done. There wasn't a single piece of body more than the size of a hand, most of it being splattered along the track for a quater mile. The only reason we knew it was a bloke was because my partner, Jim, picked his bollocks up. There is no way we got all the bits picked up - I imagine some was stuck to the front of the Intercity 125 that hit him - but the rodents and birds would soon clear up the bits we missed. Very messy. When a body is cremated, the coffin, the skin, muscles etc are gone within 2-3 seconds. All you are left with is the skeleton, which is left in the cremator for about 30mins, to make the bones more brittle. They are then transferred to a crusher, looks like a washing machine with 3 big ball bearings in, and this breaks down the bones to produce the ashes. Does it smell like a barbeque? I have no idea, I have a crap sense of smell, ever since I fell off a bus and used my face to break the fall! |
| iGSM 17.06.2004 09:25 |
How about hangings? Drug overdoses? How about car accidents and the fetid smell of faeces...or so I'm told? I could just sit in front listening to you for hours..provided you'd talk. |
| Daburcor? 17.06.2004 09:36 |
Bob The Shrek wrote: Dan - yeah, okay you can be a Shrek for a while - the position is temporary and payment to 'The Coven' is required.Man, To hell with THAT! 'The Coven' already takes enough of my money as it is! I may be clouded by my love of 'Shrek 2', But I'm no fool. ;) |
| Flashman 17.06.2004 15:21 |
Dragonzflame wrote
We're a perverse bunch, thanks for thinking up this one Flashy!Actually, I think it might have been young geeksandgeeks who suggested the idea in another topic, I have simply elaborated on it. However, I am willing to accept all the credit if need be. I suppose Bob has played a small part, too. |
| Bob The Shrek 17.06.2004 20:08 |
Leave my small part out of it ;-) |
| Margo 17.06.2004 20:46 |
I can't believe that I belong to a message board in which a topic about undertakers can take up more than one page. Or the fact that I read it. wow- we are such sick people.... |
| Maz 18.06.2004 00:59 |
So, just to be clear, when I'm spreading someone's ashes around as their last request (which I do on the weekends for community service), I'm also spreading coffin bits here and there? That just strikes me as odd. But then, most of what Bob has gleefully shared with us is odd. |
| Bob The Shrek 18.06.2004 01:48 |
And spreading someones ashes, at the weekend, as a community service isn't odd????? :-p No, the coffin isn't included. The cremator works at about 1,000 degrees centigrade and in seconds the coffin and human flesh are history. It is only the skeleton that is put in the crusher to produce the ashes. |
| Bob The Shrek 18.06.2004 02:07 |
I'll tell you what is worse than the smell of faeces - the breath. Air can sometimes get trapped in the lungs and when you pick a body up for the first time, my god, it's Satan's breath. Absolutely rancid. Never had to pick up someone who has hanged themself - although I did have to go round someone's house after their husband had hanged himself. The police took the body down, took it to the mortuary but left the rope attached to the roof beams and hanging through the loft hatch - they had cut the rope and forgot to remove the rest of it. The wife was in a right state and phoned us up and asked someone to come and remove the rope - so I did. Why did she ring us and not the police, I hear you ask - she worked for us!!!! I didn't attend too many road crashes because, normally, an ambulance is called and they will transport the body to a hospital morgue or public mortuary. |
| geeksandgeeks 18.06.2004 11:26 |
Flashman wrote: Dragonzflame wroteNo no. You don't get all the credit. I'm just as sick as you, sir! ;)We're a perverse bunch, thanks for thinking up this one Flashy!Actually, I think it might have been young geeksandgeeks who suggested the idea in another topic, I have simply elaborated on it. However, I am willing to accept all the credit if need be. I suppose Bob has played a small part, too. Bob, has anyone ever ordered something so obscenely fancy and elaborate that it was disgusting? |
| Maz 18.06.2004 13:13 |
That would make more sense. Death is such a tricky business, I suppose. |
| Bob The Shrek 18.06.2004 17:20 |
Geeks - nothing fancy or elaborate but I did have a guy whose Dad had died and he had flown over from America (where he was working) for the funeral. He had his Dad dressed in an old airline pilot's uniform and asked me take some pictures of him, in his coffin, so he could show his kids when he got home! I did it because he paid me in cash but I thought that was a bit sick. I had to have a word with the manager of the local film processing lab - to warn him of the content. |
| dragonzflame 18.06.2004 18:57 |
People who work in photo processing labs mus see some crazy shit. Is it true that sometimes bodies that have been in the water for some time explode once they're out of the water? Do you know anyone that's happened to? |
| Flashman 18.06.2004 19:01 |
I've had something similar following dodgy curries. |
| Bob The Shrek 19.06.2004 00:17 |
Never heard of bodies exploding after being in the water for a while but I will check with my brother to see if he has heard of anything. Talking of curries, I did a road traffic accident somewhere in Berkshire, can't remember the town name but I remember the road layout, where a Saab had taken a hump back bridge at speed, lost control and crashed into a lamp post (streetlight for the Americans). There was muck all inside the car and initially we thought they had either shit themselves or the bodies of the 2 victims had burst open on impact. Turned out that they were returning home after collecting a curry from the local take away. As a side note, I was going to write a book about the things me, my brother and brother-in-law had seen and done whilst undertaking. I even had a name sorted - The Lighter Side of Death - and recount the funnier, more peculiar jobs we attended. The trouble is, my memory is lousy and it just isn't as funny when you write it, compared to actually telling a story - not that it would ever have made the Times bestsellers list! |
| Bob The Shrek 19.06.2004 00:48 |
One of the incidents that reminds me of spaghetti bolognese happened in Hayes, Middlesex (near Heathrow Airport). As you drive into Hayes town centre there is a bridge over the railway, the station is on the bridge and at the bottom of the bridge is a turning on the right hand side that takes you to a small industrial area next to the railway lines. An articulated lorry was pulling out of that side road and as we all know, because of the length of the trailer, the driver had to pull out into the middle of the road to be able to get the trailer clear of the pavement. As the lorry was turning some young lad on a silver Yamaha RD250, who obviously thought he was Kenny Roberts, went up and over the bridge way too fast, slammed on his brakes, skidded and hit the lorry right where the cab and trailer are attached. The bike and his body slid under the lorry, his head went backwards - on it's own. Nice! We left his head in the crash helmet, just in case the pathologist needed evidence to confirm a cause of death ;-) |
| Banquo 19.06.2004 03:59 |
I can't be the only one who is thinking Kenny Roberts? Who? Didn't he play R2 in Star Wars? Anyway a wonderful topic. Can you remember your first time dealing with a dead body Bob, was you nervous, scared or did you just get on with it? I can imagine there are plenty of jokes to play on newbies in the undertaking world. |
| iGSM 19.06.2004 04:48 |
It was Kenny Baker who played R2-D2. |
| Banquo 19.06.2004 06:46 |
I was joking I see Kenny Baker nearly every week as he lives very near me. He looks so different in real life than he does in Star Wars. |
| iGSM 19.06.2004 10:20 |
Uh..yeah.. I knew that.. I was...verifying for everyone else..*runs* |
| geeksandgeeks 19.06.2004 10:49 |
Ever buried anyone semi-famous? |
| Bob The Shrek 19.06.2004 11:18 |
Kenny Roberts was a Motorcycling World Champion back in the days when I had hair on my head and I could look down and still see my toes. The first dead body I handled was actually before I became an undertaker. I had applied for the job and was waiting for the interview. My brother was already an undertaker and had to go to Eastbourne to pick some old dear up from a nursing home. I went with him, got her out of the fridge and put her in the coffin - didn't bother me in the slightest. It was an easy job for me. I didn't do anyone famous - my brother did Sir Michael Redgrave and he also had Patsy Kensit as a mourner in his limo. I cremated or buried my Grandad, 3 Aunts, 2 Uncles and a friend of mine. |
| Mrs.Taylor 19.06.2004 16:46 |
I'm sitting here eating and LMFAO!!! Where I used to work at a burglar alarm company, one of our customers was the mortuary and coroner's court, and our engineers were shit-scared of being called out to it at any time, day or night. And thank God the Herald of Free Enterprise didn't go down when I was on it (it nearly did) ... sounds like the sea water would have ruined my complexion! |
| Flashman 19.06.2004 18:23 |
Thankyou Bob, for sharing with us these fine tales, some of which were eye-openers even for a despicable blackguard like myself. Your time is much appreciated. So, what are you about these days, young Bob? I gather you have now left the undertaking game. Lottery win, was it? Come and see old Flash if ever you need some investment tips, you know it makes sense. |
| dragonzflame 19.06.2004 19:09 |
I'll never be able to look at spaghetti bolognese in the same way again :-) |
| Bob The Shrek 19.06.2004 19:28 |
I stopped undertaking back in 1989 - doing all the crap that I have mention for the princely sum of £3.20 an hour wasn't my idea of fair pay for a difficult job. I moved from West London just before Christmas, after being made redundant, and now live in Suffolk, where I wile away my time asking strangers rediculous questions everyday as a market researcher. That and making people gag on old undertaking stories! If the pay was a bit more realistic I would still be an undertaker. It is the best job I couldn't afford to keep ;-) |
| Bob The Shrek 20.06.2004 03:44 |
I never lost a moments sleep as an undertaker, nor did I have nightmares, bouts of depression or anything like that. It was a job, plain and simple. As I said on another post, the best way to deal with it is not to treat the bodies as human beings but lumps of meat. That might sound like an awful thing to say but if you are dealing with several dead bodies a day, whether on funerals or spending the day picking them up from hospitals or mortuaries (snatching), then you can't afford to let it get to you. You wouldn't last a month in the job, I learnt that very quickly. |
| Banquo 20.06.2004 06:58 |
Thanks Barry at least someone got the joke. |
| Bob The Shrek 21.06.2004 04:22 |
Okay - checked with my brother and he concurs with me - bodies in the water don't explode, they just get bloated - unless they are in a Jaws movie and also swallow an aqua lung. Remind me to tell you about the day I left a foot in the oven. |
| geeksandgeeks 21.06.2004 11:19 |
Tell us about the day you left a foot in the oven! *pays attention* |
| Maz 21.06.2004 12:05 |
Allright, I'm game. What happened when you left your foot in the over? |
| dragonzflame 21.06.2004 18:28 |
Bob The Shrek wrote: Okay - checked with my brother and he concurs with me - bodies in the water don't explode, they just get bloated - unless they are in a Jaws movie and also swallow an aqua lung. Remind me to tell you about the day I left a foot in the oven.Thanks for the clarification, I can add that to my memory bank of 'Why CSI Is A Load Of Tosh'. So far, it's the body thing, the fact that they released and cremated a body before it was ID'd (duuhh) and the fact that they wear their Gucci suits and Manolo Blahniks into autopsies. Pfftt. Now: the foot? |
| Bob The Shrek 21.06.2004 20:31 |
Got a call from the Coroner to pick up an old lady, who had died in a house fire, and take her to the public mortuary in Fulham, West London. It was about 10pm when me and Jim turned up at the house and staright away we knew it was going to be a messy one - all the police were standing outside in the pissing rain. Jim went in first to have a quick look while I got the stretcher out of the van and got all the paperwork together. He came back out and said that the stretcher was a waste of time and get the plastic coffin, masks and gloves instead. We walked towards the house and I remarked, in a not so quiet voice, 'Trust our luck to get a fucking burner in this weather' - little did I know that who I thought was the plain clothes detective was, in fact, the old lady's son - ooops! We went into the kitchen and sitting in a wheelchair was the largest barbeque spare rib I had ever seen. Apparently, the old lady (who only had one leg) basically lived in the kitchen and used to have the oven on, with the oven door open, to heat the kitchen up. The police reckon she had a heart attack and slumped in her wheelchair, causing it to move towards the oven and her remaining leg went into the oven. Over a period of time her body fat had heated, her clothes caught fire, then the kitchen and the rest of the house. Now, she had already lost one leg, so when we took a look at her we didn't think it was so strange that her right foot was missing. Never gave it a second thought - especially as, when we tried to pick her up, she split open on the side of her torso and the insides were falling out. We had to put her back down, scoop the crap up and chuck it all in the plastic coffin along with the old lady. We had a quick word with the police, who were all still outside, to let them know where we were taking her and that was it, job done and back home for a fry up and cream cakes. The next day the son came in and made enquiries about funeral arrangements. At the same time he made a comment about the oven and asked if someone could pop round and check it. As I had done the removal, I was nominated to go round to the house again. The first thing that struck me was that the son had blocked the kitchen door by jamming a chair under the door knob - despite the fact that half the building was missing and the other half was burnt to fuck! Sure enough, when I looked in the oven, there was her foot, half hidden amongst other shit in there. I hadn't bought any gloves with me and so I had to pick it up, wrap it in plastic and take it back to the funeral depot. We kept hold of the foot until the Coroner released the body. I felt sorry for the son, in a way, because she had been burnt to buggery in the fire and then we charged him to do it again ;-) |
| Maz 22.06.2004 01:26 |
How expensive is cremation, particularly when compared to a tradtional burial? Just shopping around. Also, I've heard through various academic contacts of mine that England is undergoing a "crisis" in finding suitable burial spaces for an evergrowing population of dead people. Is that really the case? |
| Bob The Shrek 22.06.2004 03:50 |
I don't know about current prices because I haven't done it for so long. Cremation is normally cheaper than a burial becuase there are less fees to pay, no grave to dig and no headstone to pay for. I imagine there is a crisis in finding consecrated, or churchyard, burials because of lack of space. However, burials in ordinary graveyards are a different matter. When you purchase a burial plot in a non-consecrated cemetery, you only buy that plot for 99 years. In theory, councils could dig up older graves and re-use that plot. In fact, there was outrage many years ago when a cemetery in South West London did just that and also smashed up the old headstones and used them to pave a pathway. Legally they had every right to do so, morally they fucked up. |
| iGSM 22.06.2004 08:21 |
Throw 'em in the Thames. Stupid name being spelt with a th but pronouced with a te..Bah. Back to the pavillion. |
| Maz 22.06.2004 11:47 |
About 10+ years ago, we had a huge flood in the area. I remember the video footages of coffins and remains floating down the river. Sure upset alot of people, that flood did. |
| Bob The Shrek 22.06.2004 15:44 |
I remember seeing an episode of Quincy on the same subject. |
| Nickipee 22.06.2004 17:34 |
If you chuck 'em in the Thames, they float downstream to the English Channel (La Manche for all you Europeans), except they don't really make it that far...mostly they wash up in Gravesend...which is how it got its name. |