In an update to my earlier post, there is no Queen news to report today.
Brian and Roger sat about twiddling their thumbs. Brian had tried sitting outside in the garden for a bit, but soon went in when it started raining. Roger complained of a bit of a stiff neck after sleeping funny.
John farted. Twice.
Todays News:
Roger took great delight in demolishing a Lego tower which his young nephew spent 2 painstaking hours to build.
Brian played himself at darts, finishing one set with a twenty, treble nineteen, double fourteen for a career best 105 checkout.
John thought he had appendicitis, but it turned out to be just very bad wind.
This morning, John decided to compile a list of 'Things To Do before turning 60'. But he just ended up doodling.
Roger set about knocking a wall down in his kitchen so that he can extend the conservatory. After sweating his bollocks off for two hours and much cat-kicking, he telephoned a reputable builder.
Brian spent the morning reading QueenZone, searching for posts by his favourite poster Flashman. He attempted to join the board, but both the usernames he tried (Turd Ferguson and bolensdriver) were already taken. Later, he was surprised, but not ashamed to discover candid photos of his wife on 'Robbs Celebrity Oops'.
Today's News:
Anita was furious when she discovered that Brian had been using her curling tongs again and banished him to the spare room. He was happy enough and invented a dice-based cricket game, trouncing Australia with Brian's All Stars.
Roger spent all morning preparing for a forthcoming popular car-boot sale this Bank Holiday Monday. He has three dozen fold-up torches and a set of left-handed golf clubs that he is desperate to offload.
John went to see his doctor about his embarassing flatulence problem. He is diagnosed with 'Irritating Bowel Syndrome' and forced to stand downwind.
John wrote 18 songs this morning, 5 of which he was sure were Top 10 material. He ripped them all up and threw them on a bonfire in his garden before crying himself to sleep in a deckchair. His wife kept well away.
Roger and his new pal Daft Kenny made an early start in their 'Red Dwarf' inspired Monopoly board pub crawl of London. Last week they made it as far as Trafalgar Square before having a punch-up as to whether it was The Strand or Leicester Square next. Today they remembered to take a board. Roger stood in some dog shit outside the first pub and he has already fallen out with Kenny. They are still on Old Kent Road.
Brian pretended to be ill so that he didn't have to go shopping with Anita, corresponding only in grunts until 10 o'clock. Now he has the house to himself as planned and can indulge his passion for Anthea Turner's Step To Fitness DVD. Brian has the most powerful right forearm in the South of England.
Roger decided to get his own back on former pal Daft Kenny this evening by ringing every pizza parlour in Surrey with bogus deliveries to Kenny's house. But before he had chance, a wagon load of horse manure was deposited in his driveway. Roger was sure he could make out Kenny in the driver's seat as the wagon pulled away, but he could hardly see a thing because he had those stupid fucking shades on, even though it was pitch black. Some time later, the cat hobbled away, resolving never to return.
John's wind problem has grown intolerable. His wife won't be seen near him and he has been disowned by his children. He has decided to go to Bali.
Brian finished off the Cricket World Cup he has been playing for the last 3 weeks, using the dice-based game he invented some time ago. Brian's All Stars beat Sri Lanka in the final, although Brian did cheat - taking three extra rolls to get the six he needed with one ball to spare. He worked himself up to such a frenzy, that when his captain Jimi Hendrix was adjudged LBW, he leapt up in the air and almost knocked himself out on the roof beams.
John spent most of the day alone on the beach in Bali, soaking up the sun and contemplating life. Well, to be honest, nobody would go anywhere near him because he had raw fish for lunch and it is playing havoc with his digestive system.
Roger went around the village pasting 'Missing' posters of his cat on trees and lamposts offering a £10 reward for its safe return. Later in the day, Daft Kenny went around the village doctoring the posters by drawing little Hitler moustaches on the cat and changing the contact number to that of a sexline. On his way home he discovered Roger’s cat shivering in its own filth under a bush, and decided to take it back with him. At this very moment he is flicking through the telephone directory looking for any Chinese Restaurants that might be interested in taking it off his hands.
This morning, Brian attended an interview with a view to becoming a contestant on the next series of TV’s “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here”. His application was refused on the grounds that his hair would constitute a fire hazard. He very politely made out that he wasn’t too bothered and that it probably wasn’t his scene anyway, but before he sped off in his car he threw a stone through the studio window. Unfortunately, he throws like a girl, and it ended up two floors shy and into Studio 7, knocking out one of Matthew Kelly’s teeth as he presented TV’s “I Used To Be A Minor Celebrity, And Now I’m Still No Good, Don't Get Me Out Of Here”.