He's like a combination of cheesecake, kittens, cute babies, Bohemian Rhapsody, a buy-one-get-one-free coupon, a soothing massage, a mother's love, finding $10 in the street, having an orgasm, pizza with everything except mushrooms, seeing a fat old lady falling, staying in bed on a Sunday, and having your feet licked by your dog while reading a great book.
No, I'm a git, as geeks correctly suggested.
However,
1. I know I'm a git
2. I'm not always a git
3. I try to only talk about what I KNOW about. SOmetimes I fail, but the attempt gives me, I feel, a certain inherent respectability (for my opinion, if not my actual existence)
Right, that's me psycho analysed. Who's next?
MY Psychoanalysis:
1) I am insane.
2) I'm a bit weird.
3) I talk to myself.
4) Myself talks back.
5) Sometimes I talk to myself, and myself is thoroughly irritating me by also talking to myself when I am trying to talk to myself.
6) Other times myself is trying to talk to me and I am trying to say something entirely different to myself.
7) I am trying to talk to myself right now, but that's multitasking, and myself is occupied anyway.
8) Have I confused anyone yet?
You know, the other day I was browsing some old files I have backed up on a CD-ROM, and I came across none other than some episodes of the mad-as-cheese Queenzone soap opera "Zoners" that did the rounds here back in the barmy summer of 2001...
I only have copies of the episodes I wrote or co-wrote with CrazyLittleThing, and I shan't freak anyone out with the disturbing full texts of any of them, but from the cliffhanger to episode two, this era-defining moment does survive...
SCENE FIVE
At the edge of town, a stranger wonders in, with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He drops it, grinds it under his heel and walks with calm and sophisticated grace down the main street, like Clint Eastwood in a cowboy movie. This man has style. This man has a mission.
PENETRATION_GURU: It’s time to sort things out……..
End of part two!!!!!!
From episode six...
SCENE THREE
A dark and dingy basement somewhere. Lit only by a single candle, PG, OPPOSITION and DARK_MYUUTWO sit around a table, looking grim. DARK sucks a lollipop, PG drags on a cigarette. PG extinguishes the candle and goes and switches the light on.
PG: Dark, I know you're a tight little scrooge, but please, the leccy bill can't be THAT bad
OPPOSITION: So they’re not after us at all?
PG: No, they were here looking for Deacon.
OPPO: Shit.
PG: So what do we do now?
DARK: How about a game of cards?
He slaps his Pokemon collection onto the table. PG slaps him.
OPPO: Well, we can’t risk letting all these purple vinyl Bo Rhap forgeries onto the market while they’re still sniffing around.
PG: We should still get them ready though. Dark, remember to pop down the charity shop and buy several copies of Rolf Harris singles. And whilst you're at it, get some purple spray paint too. Make sure it's a good make, mind, we wouldn't want to be found out.
OPPO: Stairway to Heaven should do, it sounds a bit like Bo Rhap.
DARK: He actually did Bo Rhap once
OPPO: Really? That'll do then. They won't be able to tell the difference, everyone knows Queen fans are gullable. Look at them, buying GH3 and the platinum collection. Trust me, it'll work.
DARK: Yeah, they’re well fick.
OPPO: Shut up Dark. What about Debbie?
PG: There’s no way they can trace Debbie’s murder back to us, and maybe it will make them leave anyway.
OPPO: Maybe… Why are they after Deacon anyway?
PG: Apparently they want to hunt him down and force him to record with them and Robbie Williams just so Queen fans will have no excuses not to buy it.
DARK: Yay! Robbie!!!! He’s almost as good as 5ive!
OPPO hits DARK with a copy of the Solo Collection. DARK falls stunned to the ground as PG and OPPO head off to the bootlegging factory. Once they’ve gone, JOHN DEACON sneaks out from behind a crate full of tapes of the 1969 Ibex gig and runs outside as fast as he can.
...there's no way I'm letting any full episodes out of captivity. Most of them aren't very funny anyhow.
I remember Zoners and I was in the very first episode. Shanyaks and I played a couple of alcoholics who ran a burger van. Unfortunately I only lasted a couple of episodes before the writers saw fit to kill me off in a bizzare window cleaning accident that left me impaled on a giant phallus.
Well after Zoners I was typecast and the work just dried up. I released a single but it failed to chart. Then I appeared in a sit-com on ITV but the viewing figures were abysmal and it got moved to a slot between 'Prisoner Cell Block H' and 'When Babysitters Attack'.
It didn't get a second series.
These days I mainly do voiceovers for adverts, daytime quiz show appearances and the panto has been good to me.
I have heard a rumour that some female ex Zoner has written a biography in which she claims I attempted to sexually assault her with a rubber chicken and a bucket of eels. Still they say there's no such thing as bad publicity.
fatty.