|January 27, 2004
London, England – Frizzy haired Brian May, one time guitarist and current soft drink pusher, was taken by surprise when he was told of the vitriolic response by Queen fans towards the new Pepsi ad featuring three of today's pop music icons, Britney Spears, Beyonce and Pink - why? Because they're singing Queen's signature tune "We Will Rock You."
"I don't see what the big deal is, to be honest" says May. "We sold out way back in 1982 on our 'Hot Space' album. As a band, we decided that we needed to suck the black community dry of their money by copping their tunes. I guess looking back it wasn't the greatest idea ever. Turns out a gay singer and a clog wearing guitarist wasn't what the funk/R&B fans were looking for."
However some 22 years later, the remaining band members seem to think they've learned from their past mistakes. "Oh yeah, on 'Hot Space' we were basically relying on the musical merits of those songs to sell it" says Roger Taylor, Queen's photophobic drummer. "Now all we need is to latch onto not one, not two, but three of the most popular singers around, licence them the rights to a 27 year old song, play dress up and watch the money roll in! My god, we didn't have to do anything for it! If we had known this all those years ago, we'd have closed up shop and sold our catalog to Michael Jackson. I mean he REALLY knows how to match up the right song with the right product. 'Revolution' and sneakers, bloody brilliant!"
The new Pepsi ad comes in the wake of the brilliant collaborations in recent years with the talented boy band 5ive. When asked about that duet (which once again used "We Will Rock You") making a "worst songs" list in the UK, May responds "Well, it's keeping us in the public eye isn't it?"
Jim Beach, who has been the band's manager for a few decades notes that "We're making more money now then we did when Freddie died. If you think death equals skyrocketing album sales, you've never whored yourself to major corporations before."
Beach also divulges details on future Queen releases – "Our musical, which has been a huge success in the UK and Australia will soon be opening in Finland, North Korea and (hopefully) China, though China allowing it to play there will depend heavily upon Brian and Roger publically championing communism....well, there are billions of potential consumers in China so that's a distinct possibility."
Queen's continued dominance of the marketplace also extends into the realm of DVD as their famous Wembley concert and two collections of their music videos all went to #1 on the charts. "See, we are following the basic business model of the major movie studios. Most of our DVDs feature grainy, washed out images, not to mention half of the picture being chopped off, but we know full well of the demand for Queen DVDs. Our fans will buy anything. In a few years, we will re-release them with brand new, high definition transfers and present them in full screen all so people will have to buy them again. Never do it right the first time because you can always sucker them for twice the money down the line. Thanks to 20th Century FOX for that one!"
A few years back, a collection of Freddie Mercury's solo work was released as a box set but notably absent were his duets with famed baby poker Michael Jackson. Brian May's only response? "We'll wait for the trial before deciding on releasing them. Oh, not to see if he's guilty or not, that hardly matters. We'd just rather wait for the media hype to reach a fever pitch. Jim Beach has a solid business mind you know."
Finally, one question that keeps coming from Queen fans is when will the box sets of rare material ever be released. "We'd love to do them. Our marketing research shows that with Pepsi backing us, public interest in Queen is sky high" says Taylor but before he continues, a noticeable grimace surfaces. "but we no longer have those tapes." When asked where they might be Taylor ca
"Never do it right the first time because you can always sucker them for twice the money down the line. Thanks to 20th Century FOX for that one!"
|You should make a poll about the Pepsi commercial, Michael :-)|
|ogre t raylot
|All too accurate to be funny.|
|post of the year =-)|
|Arnaldo "Ogre-" Silveira
|You're a baaad boy, Michael, baaaad boy! ;)|
|Brian's sweet sister
The cheek of it!!! He is curly! :p
|wow!!! i thought that was REAL!
i'm very gullible haha... good job. :)
|Brian's sweet sister
|you should work as journalist|
|Voice of Reason 2018
|Exactly - it could almost have been real!|
|For once I thought it was real.|
Post of the year??????? No, no - I'd say post of the whole decade:);):)
|Wholy crap...I thought that was real...I was about to burn my Queen albums for a moment there... ;-)|
|lol... that was great XD|
|you people always scare me with those essays! I first think they're true!
|Megamike The GREAT
|I too thought it was real, I mean it sounds plausible... and lets not forget the line about selling out with Hot Space.. hehehe... Wonderfully written.. 11 out of 10 for style.. You should write the press release for all their projects.. :) Great job!
of course this is coming from a guy that that sold most of his Queen collection for a ticket to a Robbie Williams concert... ;-)
Edit here... Meaning me that is.. thought I would clear that up..
|Fantastic stuff...thought it was real
Loves it...'When asked where they might be Taylor can only say "Our bass player has them and we don't have a fucking clue where he is, much less our master tapes."'
|Cripes I thought it was real too!
Fatty, you have competition here!
|OMG I haven't laughed so hard in ages
A Pepsi commercial featuring Roger in green hair would be ok, though
|Hah hah, veeeeery funny.
Take out the parts about Hot Space and selling out and you might have something going.
|(Sharply inhaling) It's not a real article??!|
|Christ! That was funny! LOL|
|Good Post. It would be funnier if it weren't so true. Was it e-mailed to Brian? If so ... If his handlers are smart they would never let him see it for fear of him going ballistic again.
I'm surprised that there haven't been any negative replies to this topic ...
|You're confusing this place with QOL again, Bull. They'd be pissed.|
|fat bottomed girl 7238
|Ever thought of becoming Queen productions public relations officer...LOL|
|Exact! I mean... EXCELLENT!!!|