The following statements were actually made during
From the Internet; source(s) unknown.
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice
not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself:
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I
stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one
who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen
chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
uror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think all prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that
you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and
another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too, were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not adamn thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court.
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son...the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, C
heh, my dad is a Police Prosecutor and he told of a funny incident where he was laughing so hard he had to leave the court room to compose himself.
There was a German man on trial for stealing but unfortunately he only spoke German. So the Magistrate asked the court 'Is there anyone in here who is fluent or semi-fluent in German?'. One man put his hand up and the Magistrate asked him to the front of the court. The Magistrate then asked the 'interpretor' to ask the German man what his name was. So as everyone waited with baited breath the 'interpretor' went up to the German man, stepped back and said 'VOT IS CHOOR NAMEEEEEEEEEEE!'. The Magistrate charged him with contempt of court and my dad had to leave the court room for just over half an hour to stop himself thinking of it.
I tell that story to all my friends and they love it!
that's a tree right? hmmm......a switch...***small gasp*** Some ones gonna SPANK meeeeee!
****smiles deviatly****starts to giggle****
Funny how you say that, Rosanna, about your 'sister'. I'm sure she'd love to give you advice on people who illegally spam message boards that they have nothing to do with otherwise. Tosser
Nimmy you never stop do you??