“WHATEVER else I am, I am not a racist,” says Robert Kilroy-Silk. “My record will testify to itself… I probably have done more to improve race relations in this country than any other single institution.”
Tragically few people are aware of this heroic record, however, since scarcely anyone reads the Sunday Express -- not even the paper’s own editors, who printed his recent piece about Arabs without noticing that it had already appeared last April. His efforts to promote racial harmony deserve a wider audience, and Lord Gnome is happy to oblige. Here are Kilroy’s thoughts on…
The English. Don’tcha love ’em? “Now that the fabulous victory of the English rugby team has rekindled, or rather demonstrated, the depth of English national pride, we must never let it be repressed again,” Kilroy declares (14 December 2003). “It is time that we English… stopped allowing ourselves to be put upon. We are beginning to find ourselves. We must now make ourselves heard.”
The Irish. In 1992 the Daily Express apologised for printing a Kilroy column which described Ireland as “a country peopled by peasants, priests and pixies”. (9 Nov 1992.) He has been wary of going public on the subject ever since, though a couple of years ago his Sunday Express column included a swipe at “no-mark countries such as Belgium and Ireland” (28 Jul 2002) -- “no-mark” being a favourite Kilroy expression of contempt.
The Scots. No better than the Irish. “The Scots suffer from a bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to the English,” Kilroy reveals (19 May 2002). “Scotland is dying,” he adds. “Between a quarter and a third of its graduates escape every year, mostly to England!… They cannot bear to live in their own country” (9 Mar 2003).
Pakistanis. “Here we go again,” Kilroy sighs. “The minister responsible for defining the British identity, Michael Wills, still obviously feels the need to pander to the multicultural lobby, even at the cost of making himself look ridiculous. He solemnly proclaimed: ‘The essence of being British is that you can be British and Pakistani, British and Scottish, British and Geordie.’ What a dumbhead… Will someone please inform him that Scots are British, that Geordies are British, but that Pakistanis are not. They’re Pakistanis!” (23 Dec 2001). And Kilroy takes a dim view of the Pakistanis. “Rather than promote peace and understanding between people, the Pakistanis want to generate hate,” he writes. “But then what else can we expect from Pakistan?” (7 Jul 2002)
French. Not Kilroy’s favourite race -- “devious” (2 Feb 2003), “treacherous… not to be trusted” (16 Feb 2003) and “self-regarding” (9 Mar 2003). In short, they are utterly unlike the British and Americans, who “can be relied upon to keep their word and to act with altruism to a degree that would seem foolish to the French” (13 Apr 2003).
Germans. Kilroy finds the Germans “truculent” (2 Feb 2003). As he asks: “Is there no limit to their brazen cheek?” (13 Apr 2003).
Russians. They are “opportunist” (2 Feb 2003) and “posturing” (9 Mar 2003). But maybe not quite as bad as the French.
Africans. No bloody good at all. “Africa’s plight is mostly the fault of Africans,” Kilroy notes (5 Oct 2003). “Most of what is good and decent in Africa has been provided by Europe and the United States.”
Iraqis. What a rabble! “They are not grateful for being liberated. They do not appreciate that the coalition forces are attempting to build a decent, democratic, civilised country. They certainly do not appear to be either able or willing to contribute to its reconstruction. Why should we put British lives on the line for this lot? They are not worth the life of one British soldier, not one. All they seem to do is moan, incessantly, about their lack of amenities” (29 Jun 2003).
Asylum-seekers. “The barmy liberals like Diane Abbott don’t like the word ‘swamped’ when used by the Home Secretary to describe schools and GPs’ surgeries being overrun by asylum seekers wh
“Can we ask why whites are usually better swimmers than blacks?”
It's funny how these kind of people never consider economic circumstances when labelling minority groups.
Who is this guy? A columnist I assume?
This is one of a series I'm doing of quotes from great British eccentrics. Sid Waddell was first, Kilroy-Silk currently, number three will probably be Tony Blair: there's a rich and risible seam of "weapons of mass destruction" quotes to mine.