lifetimefanofqueen wrote: I've been a bit down lately, can someone try and cheer me up if u know any good jokes please?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway--he can't get out.
a piece of string went into a bar and said 'barman, pour me a drink.' The barman said... 'im sorry, i cant, ur a piece of string... i cant serve string.' So the string went outside, wriggled around, tied himself up, and skuffed his feet on the ground. he went back in to the bar and again said 'barman, poour me a drink.' Again the barman said 'im sorry, i cant serve a piece of string. pls leave the bar' the string said ...
"what??? im a frayed knot!'
A snail crawls up over the lip of a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a beer. The proprietor says "We don't serve snails...get outta here!", and flicks him off the bar and sends him soaring out the door.
Comes around to New Year's Eve again the following year, and the place is hopping. The same snail pulls himself up over the bar, stares down the proprietor and says...."What'd you do that for?!".
Somebody told me this joke and said he got it from the internet:
A man dropped his axe while crossing a river. He sat on the bank and cried. A genie surfaced from the river and asked him what's his problem.
After learning the problem, the genie went into the river and brought up a golden axe and asked the man "Is this your axe ?". The man replied no.
The genie went down again and brought up a silver axe and again the man answered no.
The genie went down again and this time found the man's axe. The man said "Yes".
The genie said that since the man was so honest, he gave both the gold and silver axes to him.
The man crossed the river again this time with his wife. The wife fell into the river. The man sat on the bank and cried. The genie appeared and asked him what's his problem.
After learning the problem, the genie went into the river and brought up Miss Universe USA and asked the man whether she is the wife.
The man said "Yes". The genie replied "You're a liar". The man replied: "Well the last time I was honest, I ended up with 3 axes. Now I cannot afford to have 3 wives."
Is anyone laughing ?
A couple of buddies are out on the golf course enjoying the day. One guy, Tom, pulls out a cigar and his friend, Bill, quickly pulls out a huge foot long lighter to light it up.
"Whoa! That's a huge lighter! Where did you get that?" Tom asks.
"Oh god. This genie gave it to me. I don't even want to talk about it." Bill replies.
Just then, a very old, very wizened genie pops out of thin air.
"Oh hell, here we go", says the owner of the huge lighter, rolling his eyes.
"May I grant you a wish?", the genie asks a surprised Tom.
"Don't go there. I'm telling you", Bill warns.
"Why not?" he says to Bill, and "I can have anything I want?" Tom asks the genie.
The genie says "Pardon, sonny?", and Tom repeats his question excitedly.
"Yes, anything you want!" says the old genie.
"Okay! I want a million bucks!!" says Tom, over the moon.
"Your wish is my command!" cries the genie, and with a poof he is gone.
From the south comes the sudden and mistakable quacking of a massive influx of ducks, and soon they're swarming the men and the course, cacophony, feathers and poop everywhere.
"What's going on??! shouts Tom over the din "I did't ask for a million ducks!!!"
Bill holds up his massive lighter and yells "I warned you. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic??"
I am sure some of you may have heard of this before. It is a lesson on being precise in what you ask for.
A man asked a genie for his manhood to be so long that it could touch the floor. The genie said "No problem" and promptly cut off the man's legs.
Aaargh !
What do mice take with them on a picnic?..............................A Thermouse flask.
Which day of the week is a mouse's favourite?.................................Chewsday.
Immagine a cartoon with a husband rat and wife rat and they're on a desert island with their suitcase, a ship sailing away into the distance. The wife rat says to the husband rat, "No, dear, I said we'll have to HAVE dessert after tea!"
There's plenty more where that came from.............unfortunately.
Paddy gets a new job as a delivery driver, one day he goes into work and gets a delivery of 10 monkeys to go to the zoo,
on his way to the zoo his van breaks down at the side of the road, he called the AA who say they will be there in an hour.
as he's stood at the side of the road he sees murphy going past in his car
He flags murphy down and says "my vans broke down mate can you do me a
favour and take these monkeys to the zoo, i'll give you £50"
murphy says yes and drives off
45 mins later paddy sees murphy come round the corner with all the monkeys still in the car,
"i told you to take them to the zoo"! said paddy,
Murphy says "i did but iv still got £20 left so im taking them to the pictures"!
Sir GH wrote: Watch Gilbert Gottfried, George Carlin, and Mitch Hedberg clips on youtube. That should do it.
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Or Treasure Moment performances. As far as absurd comedy goes, there's nothing quite like it.