| -fatty- 2850 29.08.2009 20:52 |
It's not all that uncommon in certain parts of London, Liverpool and Manchester for nutters to gun down members of the public but drive by shootings are still something of a rarity on the leafy streets of Edinburgh's suburbs. I was taking a stroll along a quiet street in the south side of the city this afternoon when I heard a noise that I've only ever heard in those films where John Wayne is hiding behind a rock while the injuns take pot-shots at him from the hills. This noise was followed by a screech of tyres as my would be assassins made their escape in a small red hatchback car. My finely honed survival instincts took over in a split second, although to the untrained eye it may have looked as though I was sobbing uncontrollably while I shat my pants. A passer-by called the police and they later found a steel ball-bearing in the gutter which they think had been fired from an air rifle. They also informed me that had it hit me in the head I might have been killed. Part of me thinks I'm very lucky to be alive but there's also a part of me that wishes I had been shot in the shoulder, leg or some other non-life threatening part of my body so that I could have a cool scar and make up stories about how brave I was and despite all the blood I kept insisting it was just a scratch. The police seem to think that it was just the actions of some mindless twats but I've drawn up a list of people who I've pissed off and might want to have me killed. At the moment it's a pretty long list, about 29,000 names in fact but I'll most likely blame it on the missus in the end. fatty |
| Yara 29.08.2009 21:38 |
Funny thing is that if you kept the whole story as it is, but replaced Edinburgh with "São Paulo" or "Rio de Janeiro", you'd be celebrated as the new Émile Zola or win the Pulitzer Prize for "Best Embedded Reporting". Within a matter of days you'd receive a letter from one of the most prestigious Universities in the country, sponsored by the state just like almost everything else in Brazil, including my job, to lecture on the new trend of "Embedded Sociology". They'd take you to have a glance at some slums and you'd go back to the U.K with some frightening stories about a lawless bloody savage land. Of course, it wouldn't take a week before the Independent or the Guardian called you to write about it in a front-page column. Some people would frown at you and say that you were making up the facts. You'd stand proudly by what you wrote just to discover, much for your disgrace, that the editor of the journal had been thinking about sending you back to Brazil to do some further reporting. Next day you'd probably write an article explaining it had all been a misunderstanding and that your piece was more akin to literary journalism - that words as "rifle", "machine gun", "bazookas" and "grenades" were not to be taken literally: "rifle" or "machine gun" was just a generic metaphor for violence! "Children killed" meant that, because of lack of proper education, the nation's future was being nipped in the bud. The list with the "29.000" people who could have shot you was a keen play on the demographic data to express the thought that each destitute kid was a potential criminal - but you'd talk about free-will and how you didn't actually subscribe to sociological determinism. You tell me what would be the next stop in your career. |
| john bodega 29.08.2009 23:47 |
Christ, I thought this'd be a well crafted parody of "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" or something. That's an eye opener. I used to go through my city late at night without any worries but after seeing what happens to transit guards and bus drivers here, I've become a stay-at-home. Fuck partying. |
| Crazy LittleThing 30.08.2009 00:30 |
fatty: I'll be in the UK at once or twice between now and the end of the year. If it means that much to you, I can swing up to Edinburgh and administer some kind of cool scar for you, gratis. Not that I'd want to inflict any pain or anything. I can catch a performance of WWRY while it's in town. Oh, wait. That would be inflicting pain on myself. On the bright side, at least the police appear to have responded to your complaint this time. Glad you're OK, and I hope it was a random event not to be repeated. Holy cow, what's this world coming to? |
| Penetration_Guru 30.08.2009 07:12 |
I have an alibi. (just saying...you know) |
| magicalfreddiemercury 30.08.2009 08:32 |
Sheesh. Things like that never happen in New York. They fired a ball bearing? Ha. Amateurs. |
| catqueen 30.08.2009 09:51 |
Yikes. |
| Lady Nyx 30.08.2009 11:24 |
well- glad you are ok, fatty! |
| Freya is quietly judging you. 30.08.2009 13:36 |
Was it Leith Walk? Oh no, wait. You said south. |
| «¤~Mrš. BÃD GÛŸ~¤» 30.08.2009 15:00 |
fatty, what on earth have you done to piss off that many people?? |
| Bo Rhap 31.08.2009 20:20 |
Thats a quiet area too. You want to come to Glasgow. |
| Erin 31.08.2009 22:06 |
Air rifle, eh? I used to play with one in my backyard as a kid. ;-) Seriously, though.. Glad you are alright, fatty. |
| The Real Wizard 01.09.2009 00:41 |
-fatty- wrote: My finely honed survival instincts took over in a split second, although to the untrained eye it may have looked as though I was sobbing uncontrollably while I shat my pants. Clever. Now nobody will know that you actually shat your pants! Glad you're still with us. |
| pittrek 01.09.2009 04:12 |
test reply. ignore |
| inu-liger 01.09.2009 20:30 |
Maybe Britt was behind this pathetic attempt... |
| john bodega 02.09.2009 09:04 |
Inland Revenue. Just saying..... |
| its_a_hard_life 26994 02.09.2009 15:18 |
Hope your alright now. The title of this thread made me LOL though. xD |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 03.09.2009 11:13 |
inu-liger wrote: Maybe Britt was behind this pathetic attempt... my QZ sweepstake has him at 4/7 bookies favourite.here are the other odds Hilary Clinton 3/1 [mistook Fatty for that SNP bloke Alex Salmond] Colonal Gaddafi 5/1 [mistook Fatty for Gordon Brown] Ronnie Corbett 7/1 [mistook Fatty for Roy Chubby Brown] Jimmy Krankie 10/1 [shot at Fatty for nicking his 'fandabbydozzie' catchphrase] Gordon Brown 14/1 [mistook Fatty for David Cameron] Fatty 16/1 [failed suicide attempt/plea for help] 18/1 the kids that kept kicking the football against his gate last year resulting in his letter to the police being published in a Scottish Daily paper 20/1 the police for last years embaressment with the newspaper [see above] 25/1 bar.. |
| Holly2003 03.09.2009 18:16 |
I suspect Fatty has a new book out and it's a publicity ploy. Either that or Barry Bulsara is out on bail. |
| Crazy LittleThing 03.09.2009 19:46 |
JoxerTheDeityPirate wrote:Excellent work Oddsmaker Joxer! As you probably know, I've bet the house, the farm, and my next five paychecks that it's the cop. Or the wife. And a tenner on his publisher, too.inu-liger wrote: Maybe Britt was behind this pathetic attempt...my QZ sweepstake has him at 4/7 bookies favourite.here are the other odds Hilary Clinton 3/1 [mistook Fatty for that SNP bloke Alex Salmond] Colonal Gaddafi 5/1 [mistook Fatty for Gordon Brown] Ronnie Corbett 7/1 [mistook Fatty for Roy Chubby Brown] Jimmy Krankie 10/1 [shot at Fatty for nicking his 'fandabbydozzie' catchphrase] Gordon Brown 14/1 [mistook Fatty for David Cameron] Fatty 16/1 [failed suicide attempt/plea for help] 18/1 the kids that kept kicking the football against his gate last year resulting in his letter to the police being published in a Scottish Daily paper 20/1 the police for last years embaressment with the newspaper [see above] 25/1 bar.. |
| YourValentine 04.09.2009 03:14 |
It was TED. He was tired of fatty and his rastafarian Queen gang. We all knew it would happen some day. Seriously: I am glad you are okay and random shooting happens with air guns in your city and not machine guns. |
| inu-liger 04.09.2009 03:26 |
Hmm, 'TED' rings a bell. Care to refresh my mind, Barb? :-P |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 04.09.2009 04:45 |
inu-liger wrote: Hmm, 'TED' rings a bell. Care to refresh my mind, Barb? :-PQuasimodo rang the bell,Ted got the pasties |
| YourValentine 04.09.2009 06:50 |
TED was the first QZ troll - you should remember him, Richard. I think he molested you and Chad on the old interactive news page. TED was from Ireland I think and he kept complaining that rastafarian Queen gangs with huge ghetto blasters broke into his house all the time. His famous line was SMELL THE FUCKING COFFEE I can't believe you do not remember him :-) fatty wrote various stories about him - so he is my No 1 suspect - because the Guru has an alibi ;-) |
| inu-liger 04.09.2009 07:01 |
YourValentine wrote: TED was the first QZ troll - you should remember him, Richard. I think he molested you and Chad on the old interactive news page. TED was from Ireland I think and he kept complaining that rastafarian Queen gangs with huge ghetto blasters broke into his house all the time. His famous line was SMELL THE FUCKING COFFEE I can't believe you do not remember him :-) fatty wrote various stories about him - so he is my No 1 suspect - because the Guru has an alibi ;-) I figured as much he HAD to have been from the "early days"! (I've been lurking around here for around 9 years, so some things do fade over time :-P ) Those were the days...so long ago, lol! I do remember him a bit more now, though I don't recall him poking much at me then. I do remember the old interactive news pages though. |
| Holly2003 01.07.2010 18:09 |
SO have Edinburgh's finest solved this yet, or are they still down the chippy stuffing their gobs and making racist jokes? |
| thomasquinn 32989 02.07.2010 13:55 |
Holly2003 wrote: SO have Edinburgh's finest solved this yet, or are they still down the chippy stuffing their gobs and making racist jokes? ==== Since when does the victim have to do the investigating? ;-P |