|A nun travels in the train and when she has to get out a little boy jumps up, opens the door for her and helps with the bags.
"Thank you very much for the help" says the nun, "that is very nice of you". "No problem", answers the boy. "Batman's friends are my friends, too!"
|LOL Not bad Barb!!|
|Shaaaaaaaaaaame, the nun got cussed. Hahahaha. XD|
|a man takes his 2 dead rabbits to a taxidermists and says to the man behind the counter
"i would like my 2 rabbits stuffed please".
"certainly" says the man behind the counter,"would you like them mounted as well?".
"no" replies the man with the rabbits,"just holding paws will be fine"
|Bob The Shrek
|An old man goes to the doctor and asks him for a prescription of Viagra and would he mind cutting them into quarters.
'Not a problem' says the doc 'but I must advise you that you won't get a full erection and be capable of having sex if I cut each tablet into four'
'Young man' says the old man 'I am 96 years old, why in the hell would I want a full erection? I just want it to stick out enough to stop myself pissing on my slippers'.
|My favorite joke is Treasure Moment's band|
|An older walks in a drug store.
- 5 what?
- viagra. my russian lady friend is coming over tonight.
Next day, same man walks in:
- no. patches. she never showed up.
|Adolfo and the spiders from Mercury
Mr.Jingles wrote: My favorite joke is Treasure Moment's band+1
Mr.Jingles wrote: My favorite joke is Treasure Moment's bandba-zing!
|John S Stuart
Mr.Jingles wrote: My favorite joke is Treasure Moment's bandNO: That is beyond a joke.
|This is one my Dad used to tell me when I was little. It's pretty lame, but I always liked it when I was a kid. It's a long one...
There once was a little boy who was born as just a head.
Day in and day out, he would sit in the windowsill and watch all of the other kids playing outside.
One day, while the boy was watching the other kids, his mother came in.
"Mom..." he said, "...why didn't God give me a body?"
"I don't know." she replied. "But if you pray hard enough and ask him for one, maybe you'll get one!"
So, that night, the boy closed his eyes and begged God for a body.
The next morning, the boy awoke to find that he now had a body! He rolled out of his bed and down the stairs to his mother.
"MOM! I HAVE A BODY! I HAVE A BODY!" he cheered.
"That's wonderful!" she replied as the boy rolled to the window.
That night, the boy prayed for a pair of arms. When he awoke the next morning, he had arms. Again he told his mother and she was most excited. He then told his mother that he was going to go to bed early that night so he could ask God for legs.
The next morning, the boy awoke with legs. He jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs through the front door, and into the street. BAM! He was hit by a speeding truck and died instantly.
The moral of this story? Quit while you're ahead.
|John S Stuart
Dan Corson II: esreveR nI wrote: There once was a little boy who was born as just a head.On his 18th birthday...
NOT another bloody scarf?
On his 21st birthday...
NOT another bloody hat?
Who is the f*cking joker who bought a pair of socks?
|United states marine corps were retiring old officers. The amount of money they would get for the retirement payment would be the distance measured between two points of their body, and the officer could name the two points. The centimeters would be multiplied by 100.
First one said" From my left middle finger to my right", and spread his hands as wide as possible.
He got 17000$.
Second one said, " From my big toe to my right index finger", and raised his hand as high as he could. He got 21000$.
Third one was a war-weary general, serviced in Vietnam and god knows where..
" From the tip of my prick to my testicles "
The sergeants who had measured the two other officers told him that others had named a bit different places that are a bit further from each other.
The General stuck to his words.
Well, the sergeants pulled down his pants and started to measure the distance, but then one of them shouted:
-GODDAMMIT, where are your testicles!!??
-In Vietnam, said the general.
|What do you call 3 asians pushing a car?
- asian power
What do you call 3 mexicans pushing a car?
- mexican power
What do you call 3 white guys pushing a car?
- white power
What do you call 3 black guys pushing a car?
- a stolen car
YourValentine wrote: A nun travels in the train and when she has to get out a little boy jumps up, opens the door for her and helps with the bags. "Thank you very much for the help" says the nun, "that is very nice of you". "No problem", answers the boy. "Batman's friends are my friends, too!"Just as I was about to say "I don't get it", I finally got it. LOL
Telling nun jokes is a bad habit.
|A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.
"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first.
When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
|nun jokes are fine but just dont get into the habit|
|A man just had sex for the first time of his life.
He calls his father and tell him about it.
The father says "Congratulations! Do you have any questions about it?" and the man replies "Yes, I got one question: When does it stop hurt in my ass?".
|Hahaha I liked most of those jokes.
I like this one. It's an ice breaker:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree??
Because it was dead!
XD I know it's terrible, but no harm in starting a conversation about monkeys, death, and trees.
Trust me, I've used this already XD
LOL @ bob the shrek, mr. jingles, yankovic, and mr. mercury! Those made my day!
Mr.Jingles wrote: My favorite joke is Treasure Moment's bandsurely unintentional comedy doesn't count?
|Mab Meddows Mercury
|Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
|continuing the classroom humour:
teacher is teaching geography and asks her class to make a poetic sentence with somewhere in the world in it.
Mary puts up her hand and says
"i went to Scotland on my hols but the weather there was very cold"
"well done" says the teacher "now,can someone make a poetic sentence with Timbucktoo in it?"
Eddie puts up his hand and says
"me and Tim went on vacation to rainy Kent and met some women in a tent,we couldnt think of much to do,so i bucked one and Tim bucked two"
|John S Stuart
|A salesman doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking" he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.
|Chuck Norris refers to the pile of dead ninjas on his front lawn as 'brokeback mountain'|
YourValentine wrote: A nun travels in the train and when she has to get out a little boy jumps up, opens the door for her and helps with the bags. "Thank you very much for the help" says the nun, "that is very nice of you". "No problem", answers the boy. "Batman's friends are my friends, too!"Wow, I guess what they say about germans and humour is really true after all :P
|An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.
There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines (strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know
|John S Stuart
|A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 5th March, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!