| -fatty- 2850 06.11.2007 18:53 |
Apparently this has been doing the rounds for the past couple of weeks. And is normally sent with the heading "Genuine police complaint" Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain sir, your obedient servant ?? ?? ?? The reply from the police: Mr ?? ?? ??, I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? Community Beat Officer The final reply from the angry resident Dear PC ?? ?? ?? First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leithsuch as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 06.11.2007 19:51 |
lol true,so true.. we had a similar problem here in my village.the local vegetables occasionally known as teenagers decided that the village bus shelter would make an ideal football goal during the summer holidays last year and were kicking the ball at the tourists waiting to go to Penzance.One of the tourists complained to the local invisible constabulary who reported it to the bus company and the council. nothing was done until 4 months after the amoebas went back to school,where the law abiding citizens of the village were greeted one wet,windy,wintry morning with the sight of an empty space where the bus shelter used to be.the bus shelter stayed cleverly covert from the village until this May when it returned just in time for the peak of the tourist season with a brand new coat of paint.all eyes in the village are now watching with baited breath to see whether or not the bus shelter will disapear this year for a winter break and a new varnish while the local populus shiver in the south westerly wind and rain that normally arrives around now. |
| Mr Mercury 06.11.2007 20:00 |
Joxer, keep us lot up to date with the bus shelter. I too am curious to know if it disappears as well. As for the local constabulary, ours is made of chocolate and melts when the heat is on. |
| write your letters in the sand 07.11.2007 14:23 |
I'm tellin' ya: A fatty action figure would be a license to print money. |
| Holly2003 07.11.2007 18:35 |
fatty wrote: P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department. The original author is yours truly. fatty.You should have simply spoken to the youthful scamps in a brotherly or fatherly tone. I sure they would've responded positively to a well-reasoned complaint about the social consequences of their unreasonable behaviour. |
| -fatty- 2850 08.11.2007 12:59 |
Woohoo. It even made the front page of the Edinburgh Evening News. link I wonder if they'll ask me to go to the jungle and eat wasps now. fatty. |
| -fatty- 2850 08.11.2007 13:02 |
And from Today's Daily Record link Does anyone fancy becoming my agent? fatty. |
| JoxerTheDeityPirate 08.11.2007 13:13 |
fatty wrote: Woohoo. It even made the front page of the Edinburgh Evening News. link I wonder if they'll ask me to go to the jungle and eat wasps now. fatty.if you do and you get the chance,beat seven shits out of those geordie twats! |
| .DeaconJohn. 08.11.2007 13:48 |
Some comments on the EEN page: "his complaint letters are a true work of genius - I hope he breaks his anonymity and is employed in a high-paid media position" "The guy who wrote the email is a star, keep up the good work Mr ?????. That was one of the best/funniest things I have read in a long time. I was in stitches. Maybe he could get a job working for the Scotsman/EEN as the standard of the reporting is rank awful at times" "This was the funniest email I have ever been forwarded - The guy has missed his calling in life as a comedian - Billy Connoly eat your heart out" This is your big break fatty - get in contact with one of the papers and see if they will let you write a weekly column - under a pen name of some sort of course. I'm being serious - go for it. Strike while the iron's hot! |
| YourValentine 08.11.2007 14:47 |
Great job, fatty - I almost expected you to complain about some Rastafarian Queen fans terrorising your neighbourhood with their ghetto blasters :) How many books have you written in the mean time? |
| Erin 08.11.2007 15:11 |
Hilarious! ;-D fatty, you are the man! |
| Mr Mercury 08.11.2007 15:20 |
YourValentine wrote: How many books have you written in the mean time?Barb, I believe Fatty is now the proud author of 4 books. They are Shut Yer Pus, A Smack In The pus, The Hoormaister's Handbook and his new one Baminals. All can be purchased from Amazon of course (and most other good book stores).... Hows that for promotion Fatty? |
| -fatty- 2850 10.11.2007 15:10 |
.DeaconJohn. wrote: Some comments on the EEN page: "his complaint letters are a true work of genius - I hope he breaks his anonymity and is employed in a high-paid media position" "The guy who wrote the email is a star, keep up the good work Mr ?????. That was one of the best/funniest things I have read in a long time. I was in stitches. Maybe he could get a job working for the Scotsman/EEN as the standard of the reporting is rank awful at times" "This was the funniest email I have ever been forwarded - The guy has missed his calling in life as a comedian - Billy Connoly eat your heart out" This is your big break fatty - get in contact with one of the papers and see if they will let you write a weekly column - under a pen name of some sort of course. I'm being serious - go for it. Strike while the iron's hot!You're not going to believe this but last night a reporter from the Evening News turned up on my doorstep with a job offer. Seriously, due to popular demand they actually want me to write a column for them. This has got to be the weirdest week of my life and that's coming from someone who used to take LSD. I'll keep you posted. fatty. |
| Mr Mercury 10.11.2007 16:38 |
Yes that Lemonade Soda Diluted is wicked stuff, fatty. Great news about the job offer!! |
| Erin 10.11.2007 17:37 |
Congrats, fatty! This sounds like a great opportunity. :-) |
| Erin 10.11.2007 17:38 |
Doh! |
| Bob The Shrek 11.11.2007 00:08 |
Take the job Fatty and you can write in your column about a fat, bald, English Queen fan getting married at Gretna Green in October next year! |
| IanR 13.11.2007 21:41 |
Bob The Shrek wrote: Take the job Fatty and you can write in your column about a fat, bald, English Queen fan getting married at Gretna Green in October next year!What? Elton John's getting married again?!! Oh, it says 'Queen FAN'. Sorry Bob! |
| Saint Jiub 14.11.2007 01:03 |
Fatty - Congrats on the job offer. Your police e-mail is one of your best works that I have seen on QZ. I have no doubt that your column will be a success if you take the job. Gym Bitch aka Mike Van aka Rip Van Winkle |