Sergei. 07.06.2007 20:13 |
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her." |
deleted user 07.06.2007 20:15 |
Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman? A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments. A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first! Lame :P |
Micrówave 08.06.2007 18:25 |
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted. |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 08.06.2007 18:40 |
denzel:you shearing that sheep? jethro:no,get your own. |
sparrow 21754 10.06.2007 14:52 |
two guys walked into a bar, the next guy ducked. *hides from tomatoes* |
The prophet's song 10.06.2007 19:04 |
I got this one out of a christmas cracker: Q)If a cat has kittens, what does a ball of wool (or yarn) have? A)Mittens! hehe it sounded so much funnier after a few of mums christmas whisky chocolate mousse! |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 11.06.2007 07:04 |
god gets in contact with noah and says "here,noah me ol' china i want you to build me a new ark","sure" says noah,"do you want it the same as last time,full of animals?" "nah" says god "i want it full of fish,specifficaly carp and i want it 20 storeys high" "ok" says noah a bit bemused "let me get this straight.you want an ark thats full of fish and 20 storeys high.ok,i'll build it for you" he says "but on one condition,why?" "coz" says god,"ive always wanted a 20 storey carp ark"..... |
deleted user 11.06.2007 16:35 |
Doctor Doctor I woke up this morning with birds singing in my ear, a waterfall pouring down my face and tiny people having a picnic under the tree spouting out of my head Doctor: Ah I see, you simply have a beauty spot. |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 13.06.2007 15:27 |
a man walks into a doctors with a steering wheel between his legs. "doctor" he says,"youve got to help me.this thing is driving me nuts" |
7 seas of Whatever 13.06.2007 15:49 |
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
Ella! Formerly known as the Metal Maiden 13.06.2007 17:21 |
<font color=plum>Cookies?<h6>A Scientist wrote: Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."I heard that one before...somewhere... |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 13.06.2007 18:49 |
tiger woods is driving to a golf tournament in St Just when he notices that he's running out of fuel so he pulls over into the local garage. the attendant comes out to serve him and notices his nice shiny car... "thats a nice car" says the attendent,who doesnt recognise tiger woods, "yes" says tiger "its a BMW.it has all the latest gadgets in it" "wow" says the attendent "like what?" "well" says tiger "this button here tells me what miles to the gallon i do and this one tells me when im running out of fuel" "cool" says the attendent "yes" says tiger "i also need to use your bathroom,do you have one?" "yes" says the attendent "its over there" as tiger climbs out of his car his golf tee falls out of his pocket and onto the floor.. "whats that?" asks the attendent "its my tee,its what i place my balls on before i drive off" says tiger "wow" says the attendent "BMW think of everything dont they!" |
AspiringPhilosophe 13.06.2007 19:58 |
My grandpa tells this one whenever he meets anyone new, and it's corny. Grandpa: How many beans do you put in a bowl of bean soup? New Person: I don't know Grandpa: 239 beans go into a bowl of bean soup. Wanna know why that number? New Person: Yeah Grandpa: Because if you put in one more it would make it 2 farty (240) Either no one gets that, or I just killed the thread. :-( **looks sheepish** |
Freddies Delilah 14.06.2007 03:15 |
^ Teehee :) Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. What do you call a dog with no legs? Whatever you want - he's not going to come anyway |
deleted user 14.06.2007 15:06 |
A man gets into a taxi and it sets off. The speed limit is 30mph and the speedometer is heading towards 45. The man says nothing till it hits 50 and clears his throat nervously, 'Excuse me, I don't mind when we get there, so long as we get there safely,' The driver takes the hint, 'Do you know how to drive this thing,' Not knowing what to say, Passenger just says 'No,' 'Then shut up.' Silence until they hit a motorway, but the man notices the dial going past 70 (the speed limit)again he says 'Honestly, there's no rush,' and again the driver says, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?' The passenger says no. It's only when the speedometer reads 100 that the passenger shouts 'I want to live!' 'Do you know how to drive this?!' asks the driver 'YES!' 'Great, do you know how you get this out of first gear?' |
greaserkat 14.06.2007 15:15 |
what do you call a yellow school bus with black people inside? ANswer: A rotten banana |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 14.06.2007 19:45 |
a bloke goes into a taxidermists with 2 dead rabbits and says "i'd like these rabbits stuffed please" "would you like them mounted?" asks the taxidermist "nah" says the bloke "just holding hands will do" |
Sergei. 14.06.2007 19:49 |
greaserkat wrote: what do you call a yellow school bus with black people inside? ANswer: A rotten bananaLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! XDDDD |
Sergei. 14.06.2007 19:55 |
Kid:Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers! Mum:Shut up and eat your french fries! Kid:Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again? Mum:Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested. Kid:Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard? Mum:Shut up and shoot again! |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 14.06.2007 20:06 |
did anyone else hear the janet n john tale on Wogan yesterday? |
Carol! the Musical 17.06.2007 14:17 |
John comes back from the office, only to find his wife naked in bed. He is puzzled and asks, "Why on earth are you indecent? The neighbors could come knocking, and you'd be there lying naked in bed! Put some clothes on!" His wife then burst into tears and begins babbling about something or another. "I-I'm n-not dressed because *snif* I haven't got any pretty dresses! You hardly buy me any clothes anymore! I was ashamed to wear my old, ripped up dresses, so I opted not to wear anything!" The man becomes frantic and pities his wife. He runs to hug her and then makes a dash for the closet. "But, honey! You've got plenty of beautiful dresses! Look! Just look at this dashing blue one.. the red one... the striped one... Ricardo..." ------------------------------------------------- John comes back from work again and find his wife naked once more. She's panting hard and fanning herself. "Come on, Josephine! Why are you naked again? I bought you some new clothes already!" The woman is panting and out of breath, but she manages to gasp out, "I took my clothes off because it was so hot... *pant* I think I may be having a heart attack.. *pant*" John becomes frantic once more and runs out of the room to seek help. He bumps into his two young children, who cry, "Dad! Dad! Uncle Pete is naked in the closet!" John runs back tothe closet and scolds, "Good Lord, Pete! My ife is having a goddammed heart- attack and you're here scaring the children?!" ----------------------------------------------- XDXDXDXD |
Kensington Love 18.06.2007 00:24 |
A young man went to visit his uncle for the weekend. The first morning they had bacon and eggs for breakfast. The young man noticed before serving his food that there was a bit of old dried food on his plate. He said to his uncle,"this plate doesn't look clean." His uncle responded,"It's as clean as cold water can get it, now eat." Later, when it was lunch time, the young man came in to eat and noticed what appeared to be dried egg still on his plate. He again went to his uncle. His uncle said,"I told you, it's as clean as cold water can get it, now just eat." Fast forward to dinner time. The young man decides he will go out for dinner. As he attempts to go out the door, his uncle's dog begins barking like mad and refuses to let him by. The young man tells his uncle,"the dog won't let me out." The uncle turns round and yells, "COLD WATER, GET YOUR _ _ _ OUT OF THE WAY!!" ;) |
AspiringPhilosophe 18.06.2007 09:33 |
GAH! That is disgusting!!! |
Kensington Love 19.06.2007 00:22 |
LOL ;) |
Kensington Love 19.06.2007 21:08 |
Miami Vice wrote:I'm the lucky one,darling;)Kensington Love wrote: LOL ;)On top of it all you have a sense of humor. Flash is a lucky guy! |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 19.06.2007 21:26 |
jethro and denzel are walking along the cornish coastal path to porthleven when jethro falls 10 ft down an old tin mine shaft.. "you ok?" asks denzel "yeah,i think so" says jethro "have you broken anything?" asks denzel "no" says jethro "theres sod all down here" |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 20.06.2007 10:16 |
2 policemen are walking down the street when they see jade goody getting the crap beaten out of her by 6 blokes. the first copper turns to the other one and asks "shall we go and help?" "no" says the second copper "6 should be enough" |
FriedChicken 20.06.2007 11:41 |
Q: When are you allowed to spit an arabic woman in the face A: When her moustache is on fire |
Carol! the Musical 20.06.2007 22:31 |
Paul McCartney wrote: There was a man who got lost while he was visiting Ireland. He looked around and saw a small house. He walked to it to ask for help, following a little wooden fence leading to it. He got closer and realised it was a pub, so he went inside and asked for a beer. The pub was empty except for the man and the bartender, so he was served quickly. As he drank, the barkeeper began talking to him. -Hey, son. Did you see that fence on the way over here? -Yes, I did. Why? -I made that fence. How was it, was it well- made? -Oh yeah, it was a fine fence. Good craftmanship there. -Yeah, but do they call me Jones the Fence- maker? NOOOO! The guest notices how bitter the barkeeper sounds. He tries to drink his Guiness in peace when he is interrupted once more. -You see this bar, son? - Yeah, I do. -I made it outta pure mahogany. All on my own. How does it hold out? -Oh, it's, uh, very sturdy. Really well- done. -Yeah, but do they call me Jones the Bar- maker? NOOOO! The man tries once more to have his drink. He isn't intrrupted this time, and he has a gulp. He's ready to take another gulp when the bartender pipes in again. -How's yer beer, son? Is it good? -Yeah, yeah, it's a great drink. A fine drink. -I made it meself. I make all the drinks here all on me own. -And they're really great drinks. -Yeah, but do they call me Jones the Beer- maker? NOOOO! The barkeper turns around and runs his hands across his face looking very frustrated. "You fuck ONE goat!" |
Carol! the Musical 23.06.2007 14:03 |
Bump. It's too good a joke to pass up. xD |
samfred 24.06.2007 12:07 |
Good joke History Girl. Outta interest are you scottish? |
samfred 24.06.2007 12:43 |
SEX IN THE JUNGLE One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?" "Tarzan check for bees!" |
samfred 24.06.2007 12:48 |
PRIESTS CONFESS THEIR SINS Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!" |
samfred 24.06.2007 12:52 |
SMART IRISHMAN An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone." |
MarkieKnopflie 24.06.2007 13:06 |
I HAVE ONE TOO BIP BAP BULLET MY MOTHER IS A BIRD MY FATHER IS SATAN THATS WHERE I"M THE CHILD OF |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 24.06.2007 19:12 |
ive always wanted a penis like a coloured man so i dangled a big jar of goose fat from it tied to a long piece of string.it worked too,my penis went black... |
MarkieKnopflie 25.06.2007 15:37 |
a penis is called a tetter or trumpet |
Sergei. 07.07.2007 16:38 |
Why did Oscar Wilde's and Julia Child's son get sent to prison? He was too much of a Wilde Child. :O Why did the police have to stop the grapes' party on the beach? They were raisin hell. Soooo corny. xD |
Killer Queenie 07.07.2007 16:56 |
Here is a sad one my cousins husband told me: Two men walk into a bar Ouch - it was a metal bar! Oh dear... I really should run now... |
~im a fool~ 07.07.2007 17:00 |
<font color=0099FF>Killer Queenie wrote: Here is a sad one my cousins husband told me: Two men walk into a bar Ouch - it was a metal bar! Oh dear... I really should run now...my ex boyfriend told me that...are you my ex boyfriend? lol! i had a joke but i forgot... |
~im a fool~ 07.07.2007 17:03 |
^^ whoops. ur a girl. sorry... lol!! |
Smitty 07.07.2007 21:20 |
TETTERETET wrote: I HAVE ONE TOO BIP BAP BULLET MY MOTHER IS A BIRD MY FATHER IS SATAN THATS WHERE I"M THE CHILD OFWhat... The... Hell...? |
The prophet's song 08.07.2007 05:38 |
My great grandad told me this one: What makes a hormone? When they don't get paid! |
Joeker 08.07.2007 13:53 |
what do you call a buncha white guys running down a hill? An Avalanche. what do you call a buncha black guys running down a hill? Mudslide. what do you call a buncha Mexicans running down a hill? Jailbreak. |
Aquillas 08.07.2007 15:17 |
It's a few minutes before Sunday service. Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate. Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is. He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?" The man replies: "Yep, sure do." "Aren’t you afraid?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't," says the old man. "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan. "Don’t doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone. "Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan. "Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?" "No." Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years!" |
JoxerTheDeityPirate 08.07.2007 17:37 |
Logan wrote: It's a few minutes before Sunday service. Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate. Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is. He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?" The man replies: "Yep, sure do." "Aren’t you afraid?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't," says the old man. "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan. "Don’t doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone. "Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan. "Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?" "No." Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years!"the old man had to be cornish :-] |
Miss Multiples aka colfarrell1 09.07.2007 11:00 |
joxerthesnaileatingpirate wrote:sounds like something my family would say about the sisters of my step dad.. btw hello joxer.. I liked your joke on the tope of the pageLogan wrote: It's a few minutes before Sunday service. Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate. Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is. He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?" The man replies: "Yep, sure do." "Aren’t you afraid?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't," says the old man. "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan. "Don’t doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone. "Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan. "Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?" "No." Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years!"the old man had to be cornish :-] |
inmydefence 09.07.2007 11:04 |
ok.... put your dirty minds aside.... What has two legs and bleeds alot??? Half a dog. |